For the married women

[RICHARD5]

How long would you wait while being geographically separated from your husband? It used to be "our plan" that I would pursue commercial aviation as a career transition. This has involved a separation. Now my wife is saying I abandoned her.

Obviously there are other issues, but what I'm asking is how long would it take before you lost faith in him?

 

[teetee]

I sent you a PM

 

[MQAAord]

I think it completely depends on the individual.

When my mom & dad were first married, he was promptly shipped off to Vietnam for 2 years. They got to talk about once every 6 months. No email in those days, and shortwave radio calls were few and far between.

Today we're used to "instant contact", cell phones, text messages, email... it's a different world!

So I don't think there is one answer for your question. Sounds like you two have hit a rough spot, and I hope you can work it out.

 

[Kristie]

did you set a time limit at the beginning or leave it open ended?

 

[NotCoolEnufToFly]

I think it depends on whether you HAVE to be away or chose to be away and how long you had previously talked about this seperation period lasting (like Kristie said). I personally don't see the point of "being together" if you ELECT to live away from one another. When Oliver and I decided that we wanted to be together we also had to decide who's career would come first, it just didn't make sense for us to be together if we both insisted on doing our own thing. I think a brief seperation isn't bad if it's warranted. There's no need to move your whole family if you just need to CFI for 6 months to build hours or something and then you're not planning on staying in that location any longer, but I do definitely think you should TRY to at least find something close enough to be able to visit. Of course there are times when there is no choice, such as military, and that's completely different.

 

[skydog]

How long would you wait while being geographically separated from your husband? It used to be "our plan" that I would pursue commercial aviation as a career transition. This has involved a separation. Now my wife is saying I abandoned her.

Obviously there are other issues, but what I'm asking is how long would it take before you lost faith in him?

You have abandoned her. If you made this decision to separate without knowing exactly where you were going, how long you would be, and when you would come back, then you have abandoned her.

Short absences (of known duration) are one thing. But an open ended separation is quite another.

Either go get her, or go home. You're a husband first.

 

[Maximilian_Jenius]

You have abandoned her. If you made this decision to separate without knowing exactly where you were going, how long you would be, and when you would come back, then you have abandoned her.

Short absences (of known duration) are one thing. But an open ended separation is quite another.

Either go get her, or go home. You're a husband first.

But, don't wait too long or else:

"Ain't no use in going home; Jody's got your girl and gone. ..."

 

[jtrain609]

You have abandoned her. If you made this decision to separate without knowing exactly where you were going, how long you would be, and when you would come back, then you have abandoned her.

Short absences (of known duration) are one thing. But an open ended separation is quite another.

Either go get her, or go home. You're a husband first.

Bro I know you're angry with the world, but you're not helping him.

 

[Kristie]

how do you figure he's not helping? I thought it was actually really insightful. you need to have a length of time for any type of separation and continually discuss if that length is going to need modifying otherwise one party in the group is liable to start getting insecure with the situation IMO.

 

[NotCoolEnufToFly]

how do you figure he's not helping? I thought it was actually really insightful. you need to have a length of time for any type of separation and continually discuss if that length is going to need modifying otherwise one party in the group is liable to start getting insecure with the situation IMO.

I agree! An indefinite seperation is pretty much the same thing as abandoning and even if you have all the intentions in the world to return and take care of business, if you can't tell her when she won't be able to help but have feelings of abandonment. At some point, as unfortunate as it may be, you may have to pick.

 

[jtrain609]

how do you figure he's not helping? I thought it was actually really insightful. you need to have a length of time for any type of separation and continually discuss if that length is going to need modifying otherwise one party in the group is liable to start getting insecure with the situation IMO.

Because he's attacking him, not giving any constructive criticism. He's saying that HE made the decision to separate from her when THEY BOTH made the decision to separate for this.

 

[RICHARD5]

The way this has progressed is a serious matter, but who did what is all water under the bridge. We did have it worked out. Then life happens. You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

At this point she says we're done although I still have hope. (I always have hope, I'm very perseverant. Perhaps that makes me naive.)

I think she is reacting to emotion. It doesn't matter what I think.

Thanks for all your considerate responses.

 

[SeatClutcher]

How long would you wait while being geographically separated from your husband? It used to be "our plan" that I would pursue commercial aviation as a career transition. This has involved a separation. Now my wife is saying I abandoned her.

Obviously there are other issues, but what I'm asking is how long would it take before you lost faith in him?

Too many factors involved to be able to answer this.

But, have you wondered how long you would wait if she were the one whose goals were the cause of the distance, or at what point (if any) you would start to feel like she'd essentially left you?

I think she is reacting to emotion. It doesn't matter what I think.

Emotions are a pretty big factor in a relationship. We love people because of the way they make us feel, and tend to want to leave when they don't make us feel good, anymore. It's all emotion.

 

[KLB]

[/b]

But, don't wait too long or else:

"Ain't no use in going home; Jody's got your girl and gone. ..."

Someone's been listening to Johnnie Taylor. Personally I get tired of "standing in for Jody".

 

[Maximilian_Jenius]

Someone's been listening to Johnnie Taylor. Personally I get tired of "standing in for Jody".

Lol, well that and my family is a military family so I've heard it all.

Reading this thread just made me think of that.

 

[skydog]

Because he's attacking him, not giving any constructive criticism. He's saying that HE made the decision to separate from her when THEY BOTH made the decision to separate for this.

Dude asked for opinions; I gave him mine. He (or you) doesn't like it: tough. Isn't it you who always says the truth only hurts if it should?

Getting married means something. Having children means something. Those are lifelong commitments of the first priority. These days it seems more and more people treat marriage and family as a lark; a throwaway. So yeah, I get a little ticked when I see a husband, wife or parent acting selfishly; not considering the bigger picture of how their actions will affect their family.

 

[RICHARD5]

Dude asked for opinions; I gave him mine.

I asked for opinions from married women. Implicit in that is such a person is qualified to answer in a meaningful way, to shed some light...towards better understanding my wife. Are you a married woman? If not, I didn't ask for your opinion.

Getting married means something. Having children means something. Those are lifelong commitments of the first priority. These days it seems more and more people treat marriage and family as a lark; a throwaway. So yeah, I get a little ticked when I see a husband, wife or parent acting selfishly; not considering the bigger picture of how their actions will affect their family.

It appears you think that describes me. How amazing that you got that from the little I said about my wife & I.

By design I didn't include a whole bunch of information about our marriage but the implication of me saying it formerly was "our plan" is we had talked and planned. Apparently, you decided the opposite of that because you think I simply unilaterally decided to shove off.

Anyone who knows me knows how committed I am to marriage.

How you got to the point where you think I am something entirely different is a mystery.:banghead:

 

[skydog]

How long would you wait while being geographically separated from your husband? It used to be "our plan" that I would pursue commercial aviation as a career transition. This has involved a separation. Now my wife is saying I abandoned her.

Obviously there are other issues, but what I'm asking is how long would it take before you lost faith in him?

Ok, fair point. I passed over the fact that you were soliciting the advice of married women only.

But, since I've already opened that can of worms, I'll answer your question. The answer is this: If she was willing to let you leave for an undetermined length of time, and apparently didn't feel the need or desire to go with you, then that's when she lost faith in you. I can't imagine that any woman who was committed to her husband and family would allow herself to be separated from her husband under the circumstances you described.

Nor can I believe that any committed husband would even think of leaving his wife and family behind under those same circumstances.

The way I see it, however important your wife may be to you, it seems your flying career was more important.

 

[jtrain609]

Ok, fair point. I passed over the fact that you were soliciting the advice of married women only.

But, since I've already opened that can of worms, I'll answer your question. The answer is this: If she was willing to let you leave for an undetermined length of time, and apparently didn't feel the need or desire to go with you, then that's when she lost faith in you. I can't imagine that any woman who was committed to her husband and family would allow herself to be separated from her husband under the circumstances you described.

Nor can I believe that any committed husband would even think of leaving his wife and family behind under those same circumstances.

The way I see it, however important your wife may be to you, it seems your flying career was more important.

So military wives have pretty much lost faith in their husbands?

Or when I went out for a five day reserve rotation, had two days off and then another five days on reserve, got my day rolled and couldn't make it home, I had just given up on my wife? It's really an undetermined amount of time there, we never knew exactly WHEN I'd be home most of the time.

These assumptions are asinine. Different relationships have different complexities and can handle different amounts of stress, and that amount is not determined by some random guy on the internet who knows little about the situation but is assuming the worse and lambasting some poor guy who's wife is leaving him.

 

[SeatClutcher]

The answer is this: If she was willing to let you leave for an undetermined length of time, and apparently didn't feel the need or desire to go with you, then that's when she lost faith in you. I can't imagine that any woman who was committed to her husband and family would allow herself to be separated from her husband under the circumstances you described.

Nor can I believe that any committed husband would even think of leaving his wife and family behind under those same circumstances.

The way I see it, however important your wife may be to you, it seems your flying career was more important.

As a married (happily so!) woman, I can agree with what you wrote if, and only if, the time is in fact "undetermined." That is, if Ian were to say, "Kris, I gotta go do this thing. I could be gone two months, I could be gone ten years. I really don't know," I might think he was a little too okay with leaving me.

On the other hand, if there were something he needed to do for himself, for me to say "No! I must be with you!" and, in effect, keep him from trying to achieve his goals or see his dreams through, that would not be love. That would be selfishness. The same would hold true were he to try to keep me from achieving my goals or dreams just so we could be in close physical proximity.

That someone has things s/he wants to do with her/his life doesn't mean those things are more important than the love interest - they can easily be equally important. How strong can we be as individuals if we forsake our own needs and give up on what we hope to do just so we can be a couple? And what kind of person would ask someone to not do something they love?

Isn't the best part of being in a relationship that you have someone who loves you and wants to see you do things that make you happy?