Ahh...Family Dynamics

[Oxman]

What do you do when you have family members (my nephews mom) that only call when they need me?

She has always been this way. At one point over time, between my nephew and her I had 6 calls to her to say hi and since he was 16, a few texts to him just to say hi and stay involved. Not one response. By the way, she'll text,but when called back it goes right to voice mail. Now since he just got himself into a bit of some legal issues she calls me with the standard "I don't know what to do". Well, everything I suggested in the past few years ie. counseling, would have prevented this. But she never does what I tell her to do when she says I don't know what to do.

Why does she call me? My brother (his father) past away a few years ago and I've always been there for him since he was born. But over the years he's grown a little more angry for several reasons. One his mom. She has 2 volumes to her voice with him, off and yell. She's a bit compulsive when it comes to anything with dirt on it and gets up his a** about it. So all this has built up into a bunch of resentment in addition to his HUGE sense of entitlement. Which is something I've tried to stop since he was a kid. I would tell everybody to stop giving him things. Well, now that grew into entitlement. And now he's 18, angry and entitled. All of this I saw coming and tried to prevent but no one would listen.

 

[Screaming_Emu]

Family like that is challenging. Here's my general opinion on things like this. Goes for family or friends.

My front door is always open for family. If family needs help, I'll do whatever I can to the best of my ability. If we have issues we can't work through, I'll probably step back and not make an effort to be in their life until it is solved, but I'll always pick up the phone when they call, I'll always answer a midnight text or email, and my door is always open.

If you can't count on family or friends, what can you count on?

Specific to this situation? Offer your advice and assistance. If they aren't receptive to it? Well, you've done all you can. Go about your daily life knowing you tried. But keep the phone on.

 

[splash]

Compulsive about dirt?! Where in the hell is this way of thinking coming from? It's like a new fad to ...what, show you care or is it some ef'd up propaganda to get people to buy germ x, I don't know. It's not choosy moms chose JIF any more it's choosy moms don't like the sight of dirt or germs anymore. I know many moms like this, I don't ef'ing understand it. Geez, just go back to the peanut butter won't you?
I'd have to tell your nephew to continue to be a kid and get as dirty as he wants too. Mom, he is a young man are you ever going to let him drop his balls? This is like telling a daughter same age she can only have one or two pair of shoes, right? Dude, if I lived under that roof with another person like mom... I would personally and deliberately track mud in the house until mom got over her fear or problem. I feel sorry for your nephew and if I were you I would support any rebellion he causes over something as little as dirt.This is his mom's issue, not his but I imagine she drags him in it all the time.

And this is another reason why children need both parents in their lives if both of the parents are living. Sorry your brother is not here. I imagine the situation wouldn't be this big between them if he was.

Take him fishing or something, offer him a beer, and talk about it. Don't just call to talk about it do something active while talking, it takes most of the pressure off the issue or something like that,,,I'm no shrink but I do know it is affective. There is just something about the mind getting relaxed when the body is active. Chit on the phone calls for solving the problems, go beyond the phone calls and hang out with him. Take him under your wing if he wishes for some time to get away from his mother so she can find and solve her own problems, I believe that would do some good from what I read in your post.

Ask mom if she would rather him put on lipstick and all. No, I'm afraid f the answer...don't do that.

 

[web265]

Take him fishing or something, offer him a beer, and talk about it. Don't just call to talk about it do something active while talking, it takes most of the pressure off the issue or something like that,,,I'm no shrink but I do know it is affective.

Quoted for truth here, I had all my best talks with my stepson when we were doing something else and the chats came kind second nature as opposed to the reason for the contact. Even the simple act of having a "catch" in the backyard caused some great conversations.

 

[Oxman]

I'd have to tell your nephew to continue to be a kid and get as dirty as he wants too.

Take him fishing or something, offer him a beer, and talk about it. Don't just call to talk about it do something active while talking, it takes most of the pressure off the issue or something like that,,,I'm no shrink but I do know it is affective. There is just something about the mind getting relaxed when the body is active. Chit on the phone calls for solving the problems, go beyond the phone calls and hang out with him. Take him under your wing if he wishes for some time to get away from his mother so she can find and solve her own problems, I believe that would do some good from what I read in your post.
.

He's 18 now. And when I lived on Long Island (because I grew up there) I would take him fishing ALL the time to a dozen locations. It was our thing. His father was usually in prison for one reason or another. I took him to the Long Beach pier to catch his first fish. Which turned out to be a sea robin. I have a great picture of that on my wall. Plus we would go to Captree State Park and go on, my favorite boat, The Fish Finder for stripers, blues and fluke/flounder. We won the boat pool 3 times. For those that don't know what that is. Everybody on the boat bets $5 and the person with the biggest fish wins the pool. Plus over time I took him out for launching model rockets in Babylon State Park, took him to my precinct as well as to NYPD head quarters in Manhattan. I even gave him his first driving lesson. He was my honorary son. Then I moved to Ohio. Over time his sense of entitlement got out of control. When he was 13-ish he got mad at his mom because she wouldn't buy him $200 sneakers. It stems from my mother always giving him everything he wanted. Which is something I always protested. And now he's 18 and expects everything.

Now he won't even return my calls. He learned his phone manners from his mother. She'll text but when I call as to not have an adult conversation via text, it goes to voicemail. I'll call 6 times before she gets around to calling. (If I'm lucky) But she's on the phone when she needs me.

 

[Avgirl]

A lot of families are like that. It is quite unfortunate, and it typically takes something big for people to see that they really need to stay in contact more, and I think a lot of us get distracted at times from being good communicators. I think you are trying your best, and that is all you can do. Relationships of any category are a two way street and require reciprocal effort. I can absolutely understand your frustration.

 

[splash]

like Avgirl said above, I think you are trying your best after reading your last post. You made me think I may have ESP with the fishing. You stated he dodges your calls now. Only advice I could give here is to remind him of those times fishing together. Send him any pictures you may have from then. He could just be busy with his own "click" of friends now where they come first and everyone else comes second.

By no means do I believe I have the perfect answers for you, I doing my best to help you resolve the family dynamic problem with ideas. Sometimes the perfect answer is right next door to someone's idea. "I can't believe you won the pot with that little ass fish."

 

[derg]

I'm pretty jaded when it comes to the issue because largely, I'm seen a childless zillionaire who luck, and not hard work, randomly rewarded him — or like that spigot on the back porch you forgot about, never maintain but you bet your ass the water is expected to flow strong and abundant when it's told to.

 

[Oxman]

like Avgirl said above, I think you are trying your best after reading your last post. You made me think I may have ESP with the fishing. You stated he dodges your calls now. Only advice I could give here is to remind him of those times fishing together. Send him any pictures you may have from then. He could just be busy with his own "click" of friends now where they come first and everyone else comes second.

By no means do I believe I have the perfect answers for you, I doing my best to help you resolve the family dynamic problem with ideas. Sometimes the perfect answer is right next door to someone's idea. "I can't believe you won the pot with that little ass fish."

Ha...That little sea robin was caught off the Long Beach pier on the channel. We won the pool on the boat with a nice fat flounder. I was fishing and when I lifted my rod I felt something heavy on it. So I gave it to my nephew to "check and see" if there was something hooked. Because I knew there was. So I left him fight it and reel it in with all the excitement a kid could have doing that.

 

[splash]

I'm pretty jaded whenit comes to the issue because largely, I'm seen a childless zillionaire who luck, and not hard work, randomly rewarded him — or like that spigot on the back porch you forgot about, never maintain but you bet your ass the water is expected to flow strong and abundant when it's told to.

Sounds like you need a spigots best friend,,, a hoes. A hoes allows the spigot to water other areas rather than flooding just one. It allows spigot to go beyond and above what is expected regardless of being forgotten about or not.