I've been debating whether to participate further, but I decided to reply.
Pretty much none of you know me very well, even after all this time. It's funny, because I've spent decades here listening to people's thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams on everything, trying to understand how you all view the world, and trying to provide a little perspective on viewpoints you might not have in your experience.
When I posted this last week, I was definitely at an emotional low, at a peak of mental and physical exhaustion. Some of you have been there. Some of you just think you have. Some have seen worse. Regardless, I was reaching out for support, advice, and to see if anyone had any creative ideas. A few people did—to those of you who actually listened to my request and took the time to reply, thank you.
To the rest: I know some of you put some thought and invested time in your responses, and for that you have my appreciation, but most of the replies are non-responsive to the issues I'm facing. Frankly, a significant amount of the thread was devoted to a "tough love" circlejerk, where people used my emotional state as a springboard to their grievances about me, my worldview, what they perceive as my attitude and nature. Furthermore, I am fairly angry with being told that I'm "making myself a victim," as it's the repetition of a rather meaningless "zinger."
A few notes:
I never said bad things happen because I'm trans. I really frankly don't give a rats ass about being trans—despite what you might think, it's not my identity, except inasmuch as I have to explain it. I've also chosen to be visible and stand up as an example to show that that we are among you, with the same hopes, dreams and problems as anyone else. I also am there so that when some closeted, scared transwoman gets off the flight, they see me.
But mostly, I really just want to not think about it. And when I spend two interviews getting misgendered, and I have to try to figure out how to explain to the interviewers that I'm not a guy with long hair, a pantsuit and no tie while they're sirring me, it does make me wonder whether it's a factor in my evaluation. Especially when it continues after I provide a polite correction. Was it malicious? I generally doubt it. But if it wasn't, then that misunderstanding certainly could set the tone going forward. Like I said, I have no idea if it was a factor. But the interview prep person seemed to think I would do well, as did the two CP M&Gs I did. According to the person doing logbook review, and my conversations with my fellow interviewees, I was far more qualified than most applicants they were seeing, and they seemed to talk like hiring me was a no-brainer. The truth is, I don't know, and never will. Perhaps I was competitive and they chose somebody else just barely ahead of me. Perhaps I rubbed someone the wrong way.
But none of that was the point. At all. I wasn't complaining about not getting hired, even if it hurts.
Next, the bizarre suggestion that there was something wrong with my home life is, frankly, irritating—my home life is extremely happy and the reason I'm stressed on my days off is that I don't want to leave.
As for the financial parts: I'm on track to make ~$200k this year, but it's going to be the first year I've done so, and in my previous 2-3 years as CA, the most I made was $92k. As an FO, I don't think I broke $50k. I made ends meet but just barely. So all of the people criticizing me for my financial choices are doing so mostly for their own benefit.
I also really, truly don't care about money, and the money was never the focus of the thing. I'm not in this career for money. I'm in because I love flying, and because I want quality of life, and right now I have none. I have no interest in "the brass ring" or anything of that nature. I would love a career that I can be loyal to and enjoy for a few more decades before I call it quits.
Sleep schedule: Yes, it's the root of a lot of the suck. I'm nocturnal. It's not a lifestyle choice, it's a physiological thing. I could get a sleep study done, but I don't see the point. Even if I could change my circadian rhythm, I wouldn't want to do it. Red-eyes are great for me, and if I could do an entire career of them it'd be great. AM flying, for me, IS back-side-of-the-clock. But I'm also just working way too much to be healthy. And it's not just me—all of the FOs have noticed that all of us in the left seat are zombies. Many of my friends here want out ASAP because they're so burnt out and exhausted. That includes people with 20+ years of seniority.
My leaving my prior job: I didn't quit my job as capriciously as some of you seem to think. I left for the right reasons, and they're still valid.
The gritty details, if anyone cares: After surgery, I was physically unable to work the schedules captains work at my shop. But my twelve weeks of FMLA was up and the surgeon considered me fit to work (Because if I worked a reasonable 9-5 job 5-days a week, I would be. But not 12-14 hour days with no privacy and min-rest in a Comfort Suites in Redmond). I didn't have any reason not to go back on the line, and the company was pressing me to come back, and so I offered my resignation. By the time my CP offered me a LOA instead, I already had tech work lined up as well as multiple airline interviews, and I didn't want to string them along. I also wanted to focus on my health and get back to athleticism and fitness. With the information I had at the time, it was one of the best—and hardest—decisions I've ever made.
Career changing/paying your dues: I'm not a career changer, and I didn't have parents pay my way through training. I couldn't get a loan for college or flight school. I've paid my dues many times over, thank you. I've been flying professionally for a decade now. Yes, I know that lots of people did it for longer before they made it to a "career destination," and there are lots of people who've had it worse, overall, than I have. I'm not complaining comparatively. Heck, my first CFI back in the mid 1990s had thousands of hours and was instructing in an aztec hoping to hit 1000 multi so he could get on with a regional. (He geared up the aztec, and as far as I know left aviation)
The summary: The long and short of it is that my motivations aren't likely the same as yours. I also will not be pressured into conforming, and tough love is bullying, not care. Don't project your motivations on to me, give me the advice you'd give yourself, and expect me to thank you for it. I'm asking for advice that applies to the me I thought you guys knew.
The last thing I'll say is that there's a certain tone-deafness to suggesting that LGBTQ+ people should tread softly to avoid pissing off allies right now. It's very much a "thoughts and prayers" response from "the white moderate," as the saying goes. Very much like the "I support black people, but I don't want 'em marching down my street." If you're not paying attention to the erosion of trans rights or the rising tide of violence, bathroom bills, discriminatory legislation, and so on, we probably seem like we're just being dramatic. I would suggest you educate yourself.
I will concede that I wasn't very clear in my original post or my replies, since I was incredibly stressed, and pressed for time, and posting from my phone. But I would like to think that I'd earned a little bit of respect and latitude over the years here, and that you all knew me better.
Apparently I was wrong.
Ta.
to water...
