The right time is never... right?

There isn't a best time. It can be rough, however, kids are pretty great! Changes your perspective on life. You'll have to make the effort to be involved in their lives no matter what career you are in. Its not any different than working 60 hours a week in an office. The key is to make the best of the time you have. The best part is that you'll have blocks of days at home, more opportunity for family outings, ect. Going back to work is hard and its the only place where you'll get good sleep, too. Good luck. If you have more questions, PM me. I'll help ya out.
 
JDean3204 said:
I know that I have become the king of long and drawn out posts lately. I usually get great advice from guys and gals I respect very much here in the JC community. So with that, here is my next family concern...KIDS

A little background about myself and my wife. We have been together for almost 10 years now. When she was 18 and I was 20, she moved all the way from our hometown in Oregon to Virginia to be with me. She has been by my side through two lengthy military deployments, the civilian flight training process and now during my regional airline days. She never has complained to me about it, always being supportive and happy seeing me grow as a pilot and a person. Even during my first gig where I made a miserable 16K in 2015, she didn't complain. In fact, she has taken this opportunity to grow herself professionally. She doesn't have a degree or anything, but a good work ethic has gotten her a stable county job that pays around 35-40K with amazing health benefits. I have known for years that I want to have children with my wife, but we've been waiting for me to reach a point where it makes sense.

My wife gets more and more passionate about the topic of children. In the last year I have been more open to talking about it, and we were planning on trying this summer for our first child. I was going to be based at home, and we were very excited to finally build our family. However, I unfortunately lost that job and found myself starting over again at another airline. I am now on the very tail end of training, I will be commuting again but it shouldn't be for too long I hope. A few months at the most. So we have decided to wait until the beginning of the year to start trying. She was my backbone the last few months, and never pressured me with family or kids while I dusted myself off and got back on the horse so to speak. At the same time she comes from a culture where let's just say people have kids generally sooner versus later in life. I am a few months from 30 and she is now 28. I know we're not old by any means, but we really didn't plan on leaving it this long. Most of our friends from the military have multiple children together now, her younger sisters have children and so I don't blame her for the baby fever she is experiencing lately. To be honest I feel the same way, I really want to wait until I upgrade, but that is a few years away and then... what will be my next thought process? Wait until I'm at a major, then wait until I upgrade at said major. The time will never feel right. I feel very selfish for being so concentrated on my career, that her dreams of being a mother have had to wait to come to fruition. It has lately taken a toll on me, and I have even thought about quitting flying to get a more stable job that may not pay as well in the future, but will be a good job to be a family man....Then my wife knocks some sense back into me and tells me that she would feel responsible if I quit flying. That I have worked way too hard and am way too much of a nerd to not fly for a living

Obviously money is always a concern when having children. We have worked extremely hard to pay off debt together and now have only the normal debt. Car payments, rent and associated costs, which are quite high in Portland these days. The rising Cost of Living stresses me out, it has risen furiously in the last few years. Our credit card debt and my "supplemental living expense debt" have been paid off thanks to some good bonus money. For the first time in five years, we have savings, not very much but better than living paycheck to paycheck like we have been. So we finally feel somewhat financially stable, but a child I feel will turn that upside down. Since I will be mostly gone for work, she will have to cut back most of her hours and work part time. She plans on working enough to keep those awesome health benefits. Although my airline pays pretty well for industry standards, it is still regional FO pay. About 40-50K for the next few years. That will be tough to live on if my wife cannot work I am sure, so that is one thing racing through my mind. I have asked a few pilot friends about this, they all say the same thing. They tell me to wait until I make it to a major, but who am I kidding. I have faced the music, with my roadblocks and a few marks, I am not a tier 1 candidate by any means. So it will take time for me to reach that step. I still need thousands of hours and a 4 year degree. If I am lucky, in 7 years I may be there. That will put me at 37 and my wife 35. if I wait that long I may not have a wife anymore, she has made it very clear she has patiently waited for me to reset and start a new career. She knows that we would have had a few kids by now if that new GI Bill didn't come out in 2009 giving me a chance to afford civilian flight training.

The one concern I have being a pilot besides the financial aspect is about being a good father. Knowing that I will be gone more than at home scares me. I know my wife is very independent right now by her self, but will that change with kids? Will she resent me for going to work? Will my kids resent me for being gone, at times missing important milestones? I am grateful for having a good father growing up. He was my little league coach, he was at every wrestling tournament and always made sure I was doing well. My parents didn't make much money and never could have afforded to put me through state college let alone a college like ERAU or UND, and I knew that. They did raise me to dream big though, that is why I am where I am now. It may have taken me a while to get here, but I made it and my parents are more proud of me now than ever. That is because of them, and I want to raise my kids with that same mentality, to be as much as an influence on them as my folks have been on me. I know these are all issues that one has to tackle upon news of their first child, at that point there is no turning back and it's time to be a man or woman and be the best parent you can be. I just want to hear from someone that had kids in the early stages of their career and made it work. Hearing how they balanced it all out to be both successful as a pilot and a father/mother will be great to hear.
Click to expand...

As a Portland-based father myself, I understand the concerns you're having. I can only offer two snippets of advice, and a observation. 1) Have $ in a savings account before you start. 2) You need a support system; whether it be friends, family, whoever. You're going to need someone who can help when that that inevitable time comes that neither your wife nor yourself can be there to do...whatever.

Finally, an observation. I think you're shouldering too much of the load; i.e. taking too much responsibility for your wife's feeling and desires, etc. This is a shared responsibility and decision. She has as much responsibility towards the successful raising of children as you. You and she need to be in complete agreement on the fundamentals of how this is going to work. If you're not, then it's not the right time to have kids.
 
Cptnchia said:
We did two Christmases. One for just us, usually a week early, and one on the 25th with their cousins. They grew up believing that Santa made a special run for pilots because we had to help him on the 24/25th.
Click to expand...

That is just adorable!

Yeah OP, you're right - there will never be a perfect time. IMO it's better to just have kids and then structure your life around them. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can get into the rhythm of your new life.
 
I'll toss my 2 cents in here, but it's basically the same as others have said. There's never a good time to have kids...life is messy / busy / complicated / etc. I have 3 and they are expensive little pets. If you're trying to be financially prepared, you won't ever be...it's just fact. If you're with a woman you love, who can stand to be around you, and by the sounds of it, she does, have a kid...I've been married for 11 years this October, my wife is my biggest cheerleader, even if she doesn't understand half of what I jabber on about when it comes to airplanes. My kids are young enough to be able to roll with the punches if I'm gone (2.5 weeks at Flight Safety this past month.) There are sleepless nights, months where bills are bigger then the bank account...but keep perspective and it'll be ok.
 
JDean3204 said:
I guess the right time will be summer 2018! Got the news yesterday that I'm going to be a daddy, pretty excited and scared $chitless at the same time lol
Click to expand...
Awesome
See if there's a daddy bootcamp in your area. Those things are 50/50 crapshot, some are boring hippie gatherings (thankfully never saw one, but heard about it), mine was a bunch of dudes sharing the wisdom about dealing with a woman in labor, initial "well, wtf do i do now" and keeping the mother in law out of it over pizza and beer. Was kinda fun actually, not the AA vibe.
Also should someone give you the "what to expect when you are expecting" book, burn it and banish the person for life. In reality the title should read "all the scary **** that can possibly happen" and does nothing other than make your significant other flip.
 
JDean3204 said:
I guess the right time will be summer 2018! Got the news yesterday that I'm going to be a daddy, pretty excited and scared $chitless at the same time lol
Click to expand...

Congrats!

There's nothing quite like the feeling when the nurse comes in and says "ok, it's time to go home."

What??? You're just sending me out there with this thing?? Isn't there some kind of manual?? Do you have a number I can call with questions??

Fun times lol
 
alaskadrifter said:
And then you begin to realize maybe your parents weren’t so crazy.
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I mean, they were, I just now have a context to put the crazy into lol.

I wish I was even remotely as nonchalant about health and safety as my parents were. I remember cracking my 3 year old sister in the forehead with a wooden baseball bat (it was an accident, I swear) so hard you could hear the echo. When my mom called our pediatrician- on a landline, at home- the doc asked "is that her screaming in the background? Yes? Ok, she's fine." And that was the end of it. Hospitals were for wimps and there was virtually no injury short of a compound fracture that couldn't be fixed with a paper towel and vitamin E. Ah, the good old days :D
 
JDean3204 said:
I guess the right time will be summer 2018! Got the news yesterday that I'm going to be a daddy, pretty excited and scared $chitless at the same time lol
Click to expand...

Hey congrats man.

I was reluctantly Dad the first time. Now we’re waiting on the arrival of our second. Best advice I can give you is learn to not be selfish about anything. The reason my wife tells me I’m such a good father and my mother in law has to begrudgingly agree with her is I’ve abandoned the idea of rewarding my self over making it about the family. Career choices, vacation plans, which one of us is takin the late night feedings... the more you can make it about your partner and your kid, the better the whole vibe of the house. It’s exhausting don’t get me wrong and I really wish I could send a week diving Honduras instead of sweltering in line to see a guy in a mouse costume or sleep in on Saturday, but my marriage and my child deserve it and if I’m gonna be tired and broke anyway at least they’re happy.


Also important note when you get there in a couple years.... a toddler will absolutely shoot the hostage. Go into it with that mindset.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Lawman said:
Hey congrats man.

I was reluctantly Dad the first time. Now we’re waiting on the arrival of our second. Best advice I can give you is learn to not be selfish about anything. The reason my wife tells me I’m such a good father and my mother in law has to begrudgingly agree with her is I’ve abandoned the idea of rewarding my self over making it about the family. Career choices, vacation plans, which one of us is takin the late night feedings... the more you can make it about your partner and your kid, the better the whole vibe of the house. It’s exhausting don’t get me wrong and I really wish I could send a week diving Honduras instead of sweltering in line to see a guy in a mouse costume or sleep in on Saturday, but my marriage and my child deserve it and if I’m gonna be tired and broke anyway at least they’re happy.


Also important note when you get there in a couple years.... a toddler will absolutely shoot the hostage. Go into it with that mindset.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

A-freakin-men.

And when you do make a "me" choice, because it will happen, don't ever make it in a vacuum.
 
Lawman said:
Hey congrats man.

I was reluctantly Dad the first time. Now we’re waiting on the arrival of our second. Best advice I can give you is learn to not be selfish about anything. The reason my wife tells me I’m such a good father and my mother in law has to begrudgingly agree with her is I’ve abandoned the idea of rewarding my self over making it about the family. Career choices, vacation plans, which one of us is takin the late night feedings... the more you can make it about your partner and your kid, the better the whole vibe of the house. It’s exhausting don’t get me wrong and I really wish I could send a week diving Honduras instead of sweltering in line to see a guy in a mouse costume or sleep in on Saturday, but my marriage and my child deserve it and if I’m gonna be tired and broke anyway at least they’re happy.


Also important note when you get there in a couple years.... a toddler will absolutely shoot the hostage. Go into it with that mindset.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...
My wife has made far more sacrifices than I ever will just brining our daughter into the world, so she usually gets her way. I’m saving that bit about hostages for later. And congrats @JDean3204, take a deep breath and have fun. My daughter is 6 months old now and I don’t know what I did with my life before she came along. She’s just so much fun!
 
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