I don't want to interfere with your hilarious rant, but I do fly another Boeing plane that uses direct lift control. Spoilers come up, dump lift, spoilers go down, regain the lift, I imagine in this case. My plane does it with leading and trailing edge flap movements in a particular approach mode of the FBW, but the concept is, I assume, similar. It'll dump/retract the TEFs to give you instantaneous negative VSI increase, and do the opposite to give you instantaneous positive VSI. Without moving the throttles
But I agree, if there is an aviation quote that will stand the test of all time, it is "land plane, get banana".....that is the essence of being pilot