Whatusername
Well THIS is awkward!
Years ago on when I was on a X-C two regional guys decided to broadcast a top 10 list of their ex-wives.
Screaming_Emu
Well-Known Member
We were coming into Dulles on an afternoon that was starting to get busy. They were landing on runway 1C and 1R. They ended up having us fly (what seemed like) damn near half the way to Richmond on the downwind before offering us "You guys can stay on 1C but you won't turn downwind for another couple minutes, or we can let you turn in for 1L and you'll be number one, your choice". We opted on the left side, which means there's a bit longer of a taxi, but it should still be faster. Which lead to the check in with the female tower controller:
Captain: "Dulles, tower, Acey XXXX number one on the visual approach on one left"
Tower: "Acey XXXX runway one left, you're cleared to land."
Captain: "Cleared to land, runway one left"
Tower: "So nice of approach to let you fly so far south before finally offering you this runway"
Captain: "its ok, its a beautiful day to sight see"
Tower: "DID YOU JUST SAY ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO BITE ME!?!?"
Captain: "No no no...Sightsee....sightsee!"
Tower: "Oh, ok...either one is fine"
Tied with
Ground: "Air shuttle XXXX Dulles ground."
Mesa: "Go ahead for Air Shuttle XXXX"
Ground: "Do you see that little white building on the west side of the south ramp?"
Mesa beginning to sound concerned: "Uhh...affirmative"
Ground: "That is the TSA/FAA pilot sobriety checkpoint:
Mesa sounding more concerned: "ummm....ok"
Ground: "And they.......would like to know......why you don't have your transponder on"
Mesa: "oh, sorry bout that. I just downgraded from captain to f/o, so I'm still getting used to it over here"
Ground: "Sorry to hear that. Well I just downgraded from married to divorced"
Someone else: "That sounds like an upgrade to me!"
Ground: "Well that'll be our little secret"
Captain: "Dulles, tower, Acey XXXX number one on the visual approach on one left"
Tower: "Acey XXXX runway one left, you're cleared to land."
Captain: "Cleared to land, runway one left"
Tower: "So nice of approach to let you fly so far south before finally offering you this runway"
Captain: "its ok, its a beautiful day to sight see"
Tower: "DID YOU JUST SAY ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO BITE ME!?!?"
Captain: "No no no...Sightsee....sightsee!"
Tower: "Oh, ok...either one is fine"
Tied with
Ground: "Air shuttle XXXX Dulles ground."
Mesa: "Go ahead for Air Shuttle XXXX"
Ground: "Do you see that little white building on the west side of the south ramp?"
Mesa beginning to sound concerned: "Uhh...affirmative"
Ground: "That is the TSA/FAA pilot sobriety checkpoint:
Mesa sounding more concerned: "ummm....ok"
Ground: "And they.......would like to know......why you don't have your transponder on"
Mesa: "oh, sorry bout that. I just downgraded from captain to f/o, so I'm still getting used to it over here"
Ground: "Sorry to hear that. Well I just downgraded from married to divorced"
Someone else: "That sounds like an upgrade to me!"
Ground: "Well that'll be our little secret"
boondr
Penalty Vectorer
Today
SWAXXXX: SWAXXXX 5500 descending to 4000, with the field in sight when it matters
Me: SWAXXXX cleared visual approach RWYXX
SWA: SWAXXXX cleared visual approach RWYXX, that was easy.
Me: Easier for me than you.
SWA: I doubt it.
Me: Why you have a visual approach button or something?
SWA: No but I have an FO.
SWAXXXX: SWAXXXX 5500 descending to 4000, with the field in sight when it matters
Me: SWAXXXX cleared visual approach RWYXX
SWA: SWAXXXX cleared visual approach RWYXX, that was easy.
Me: Easier for me than you.
SWA: I doubt it.
Me: Why you have a visual approach button or something?
SWA: No but I have an FO.
trafficinsight
Well-Known Member
Going into ABQ a few months ago in a 206 we were, once again, mistaken for a Caravan.
"Caravan 3CM I need you to keep your speed up in the descent"
"We'll keep the speed up, Stationair 3CM"
So we ride near the yellow arc, but it's fairly bumpy so nothing crazy
a few minutes later....
"Caravan 3CM, please keep your speed up!"
"We're keeping our speed up, Stationair 3CM"
a couple minutes later...
"Caravan 3CM I really need you to keep your speed up!"
"We're pedaling as fast as we can. STATION AIR 3CM!"
(laughing)"Oh... uh, you're doing just fine then..."
"Caravan 3CM I need you to keep your speed up in the descent"
"We'll keep the speed up, Stationair 3CM"
So we ride near the yellow arc, but it's fairly bumpy so nothing crazy
a few minutes later....
"Caravan 3CM, please keep your speed up!"
"We're keeping our speed up, Stationair 3CM"
a couple minutes later...
"Caravan 3CM I really need you to keep your speed up!"
"We're pedaling as fast as we can. STATION AIR 3CM!"
(laughing)"Oh... uh, you're doing just fine then..."
LOC-D
Well-Known Member
Tower:"Cessna XXX, squawk 5248, hold for release"
XXX:*Doesn'tstrikehimyet*" Squawk 5248, hold for release, XXX"
.
.
a minute later
XXX:" Tower, confirm squawk code is 5248 ?"
Tower:*soundingemphatic*"Affirmative XXX, squawk 5248"
XXX:*nowsoundingconfused*"Uhhh, roger, 5248, XXX"
.
.
.
some 2 minutes later
XXX: "Tower, XXX, we're unable to squawk the number 8"
Tower:" Correction, squawk 5241"
XXX: "Roger, squawk 5241"
XXX:*Doesn'tstrikehimyet*" Squawk 5248, hold for release, XXX"
.
.
a minute later
XXX:" Tower, confirm squawk code is 5248 ?"
Tower:*soundingemphatic*"Affirmative XXX, squawk 5248"
XXX:*nowsoundingconfused*"Uhhh, roger, 5248, XXX"
.
.
.
some 2 minutes later
XXX: "Tower, XXX, we're unable to squawk the number 8"
Tower:" Correction, squawk 5241"
XXX: "Roger, squawk 5241"
tjvpa28
Well-Known Member
Controller: "Cessna 1234 maintain at or above 3000."
Cessna 1234: "Roger maintain at or above flight level three zero zero zero."
Controller: "Well, you don't have to go that high, that would put you close to the moon. 3000 will be fine."
Cessna 1234: (sounding confused) "Uhhh...roger"
Cessna 1234: "Roger maintain at or above flight level three zero zero zero."
Controller: "Well, you don't have to go that high, that would put you close to the moon. 3000 will be fine."
Cessna 1234: (sounding confused) "Uhhh...roger"
Cptnchia
Dissatisfied Customer
ATL APP was slowing an L1011 on final, when they were assigned 190kts, an old gruff voice barked, "Do you know the stall speed of this airplane? We're about to fall out of the sky."
The controller, (Buzz,) came right back with, "Delta XX heavy, report leaving all altitudes."
The controller, (Buzz,) came right back with, "Delta XX heavy, report leaving all altitudes."
killbilly
Vocals, Lyrics, Triangle, Washboard, Kittens
Very, very late one night (like, at two in the morning) I'm flying around AUS. I did that a lot because it was nice having the sky to myself. Tower had just handed me off.
"Departure, Skyhawk XXX climbing 1000 for 3,500"
"Skyhawk XXX, departure....you have....a helicopter 10 miles to your west. See it?"
I look, see the lights way out there. "Affirmative, I have the traffic in sight."
"Good. It's the only thing out there. For like...ever."
Later that night, on my return...
"Austin tower, Skyhawk XXX, landing."
"Welcome back, Skyhawk XXX. Cleared to land runway 17R."
"Any chance I could get 17L?"
"If you must...."
Pretty nice folks around the AUS area. I like the controllers here.
"Departure, Skyhawk XXX climbing 1000 for 3,500"
"Skyhawk XXX, departure....you have....a helicopter 10 miles to your west. See it?"
I look, see the lights way out there. "Affirmative, I have the traffic in sight."
"Good. It's the only thing out there. For like...ever."
Later that night, on my return...
"Austin tower, Skyhawk XXX, landing."
"Welcome back, Skyhawk XXX. Cleared to land runway 17R."
"Any chance I could get 17L?"
"If you must...."
Pretty nice folks around the AUS area. I like the controllers here.
ProudPilot
Aeronautics Geek
Oh this had to be around 2007 or so here at KGFK. I was doing CFI at the time and we were departing off of 17L with company traffic off of 17R. Probably 7 am or so and everyone was tired, even the controllers. However, we all got where we were going quickly and I think the controllers were horsing around showing off. Female controller was working this morning on departure. Anyways....
Departure: Gooooood Morning Sioux 76, turn left heading 150 expect vectors Crookston.
Sioux 76: Left 150, will expect vectors to crook.
Departure: Good Morning Sioux 55, climb maintain 7,000 contact cock *click*
Unknown: Only on solos
Departure: (hysterical laughter in the background) Ok, scratch that... nevermind, Contact center 132.15 you have a good flight
Sioux 55: Over to Center, it's still early, and everyone is awake now.
Departure: Gooooood Morning Sioux 76, turn left heading 150 expect vectors Crookston.
Sioux 76: Left 150, will expect vectors to crook.
Departure: Good Morning Sioux 55, climb maintain 7,000 contact cock *click*
Unknown: Only on solos
Departure: (hysterical laughter in the background) Ok, scratch that... nevermind, Contact center 132.15 you have a good flight
Sioux 55: Over to Center, it's still early, and everyone is awake now.
One from when I used to instruct at GFK.
Departure: Sioux XX, say altitude and heading
Sioux XX: Altitude and heading!
Departure (some laughter in the background):Sioux XX, say current altitude and heading
Sioux XX: Current altitude and heading!
Departure (with hysterical laughter in the background): Sioux XX, never mind, radar contact, proceed on course.
Departure: Sioux XX, say altitude and heading
Sioux XX: Altitude and heading!
Departure (some laughter in the background):Sioux XX, say current altitude and heading
Sioux XX: Current altitude and heading!
Departure (with hysterical laughter in the background): Sioux XX, never mind, radar contact, proceed on course.
fholbert
Mod's - Please don't edit my posts!
I was working tower and there was a cute sounding female voice. She landed and parked beside the tower. Pretty soon the ground controller said something about checking out the female pilot. A very pretty woman indeed. Three of us got the binoculars on her and she looks up and catches up.
We got a good laugh out of it. About a hour later the chief calls someone is coming up for a tour. Sure enough it was her and we were all busted.
dasleben
That's just, like, your opinion, man
NJA_Capt
Well-Known Member
DAL 757: Tower, do you mind if we takeoff first so the little guy doesn't hold us up?
SFO TWR: Unless you are filed for 525(TAS).....that's the last time you're going to see him (Ce750).
---------------------------------------------------------
ARTCC: N-----(Ce650) can you maintain .80?
Ce650: Yes Sir.
A few mins later:
ARTCC: N----- are you doing .80
Ce650: We will be when we level off
ARTCC: I NEED IT NOW!
In a disgusted voice: Center....Can you name me a plane that can do .80 in a CLIMB?!?!?!
ARTCC: Say Again?
Ce650: Yea....tell me a plane that is able to do .80 in a climb.
ARTCC: The Citation X behind you......Turn right heading ***!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
ARTCC: Piedmont (B727) can you make (Waypoint) at FL180
Piedmont: Ma'am.....a manhole cover couldn't make that crossing restriction.
SFO TWR: Unless you are filed for 525(TAS).....that's the last time you're going to see him (Ce750).
---------------------------------------------------------
ARTCC: N-----(Ce650) can you maintain .80?
Ce650: Yes Sir.
A few mins later:
ARTCC: N----- are you doing .80
Ce650: We will be when we level off
ARTCC: I NEED IT NOW!
In a disgusted voice: Center....Can you name me a plane that can do .80 in a CLIMB?!?!?!
ARTCC: Say Again?
Ce650: Yea....tell me a plane that is able to do .80 in a climb.
ARTCC: The Citation X behind you......Turn right heading ***!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
ARTCC: Piedmont (B727) can you make (Waypoint) at FL180
Piedmont: Ma'am.....a manhole cover couldn't make that crossing restriction.
genot
Well-Known Member
Going into ABQ a few months ago in a 206 we were, once again, mistaken for a Caravan.
"Caravan 3CM I need you to keep your speed up in the descent"
"We'll keep the speed up, Stationair 3CM"
So we ride near the yellow arc, but it's fairly bumpy so nothing crazy
a few minutes later....
"Caravan 3CM, please keep your speed up!"
"We're keeping our speed up, Stationair 3CM"
a couple minutes later...
"Caravan 3CM I really need you to keep your speed up!"
"We're pedaling as fast as we can. STATION AIR 3CM!"
(laughing)"Oh... uh, you're doing just fine then..."
Had a similar one. Flying the Diamond Katana around 2002 (very rare at the time) IFR to MEM.
MEM Approach: Diamond 123 keep your speed up please
Me: Going fast, Diamond 123
MEM: Diamond 123 DC9 traffic with an 80 knot overtake say airspeed?
ME: Diamond 123 115 knots Diamond 123
MEM: (very agitated) Sir I need AT LEAST 160
ME: uhhh.... approach we're a 4 seat piston single, I'm doing the best I can.... Diamond 123
MEM: ohhhh boooooyyyy, you aren't a Mitsubishi Diamond Jet... Northwest 123 turn right heading blah blah blah vectors for resequencing.
R
Roger, Roger
Guest
The home 'drome had extensive work done, including displacing the threshold of the ILS runway to accommodate a runway safety area, requiring moving the glideslope and approach lights. The work was done, but the approach lights were still NOTAMd OTS. They'd been on one day a few months back for testing, but not since. I was with a student in an aircraft that had ongoing problems with it's transponder, when this exchange occurred.
Ground: November three six llama unicorn, taxi to one eight via November, departure frequency one three three point one, squawk zero three one two
Student: taxi via november, departure 133.1, squawk 0312.
Me (on the radio): uh ground three six llama unicorn is negative transponder today.
Ground: Roger, when y'all gonna get that fixed?
Me: 'bout the same time y'all get the MALSR working.
Ground: ouch.
Ground: November three six llama unicorn, taxi to one eight via November, departure frequency one three three point one, squawk zero three one two
Student: taxi via november, departure 133.1, squawk 0312.
Me (on the radio): uh ground three six llama unicorn is negative transponder today.
Ground: Roger, when y'all gonna get that fixed?
Me: 'bout the same time y'all get the MALSR working.
Ground: ouch.
boondr
Penalty Vectorer
For dasleben:
I am going to to continue with the current stories, not necessarily the funniest but funny none the less.
Today
There is weather all around level 1/2/3 stuff nothing serious
CairXXX: (Cape Air) CairXXX climbing out of 3000 for 5000 heading 040
Me: Cairxxx altimeter 2992, there is weather on your flightpath are you gonna need to go around that?
Cair: I'm not painting anything but you never know with this piece of...uh...I think the company got it out of a Cracker-Jack box
I am going to to continue with the current stories, not necessarily the funniest but funny none the less.
Today
There is weather all around level 1/2/3 stuff nothing serious
CairXXX: (Cape Air) CairXXX climbing out of 3000 for 5000 heading 040
Me: Cairxxx altimeter 2992, there is weather on your flightpath are you gonna need to go around that?
Cair: I'm not painting anything but you never know with this piece of...uh...I think the company got it out of a Cracker-Jack box
dasleben
That's just, like, your opinion, man
Hahaha, that brings back some memories.
Honestly, I could usually use secret jedi powers to get those radars to work, or at least show you enough to not get into anything bad. But there were some that literally painted nothing (not even the ground).
By the way, I'm doing oh, about a week and a half of BWI reserve starting tomorrow...if I get called out to do some flying, I'll let ya know.