What to do about the wife

mshunter

Well-Known Member
To all of you guys out there in JC land, I have a little delima with the wife. I have an opportunity to possibly get a job with an company that I will leave un-named. It is not the best paying job, and the dom. is not known untill after training (as is most things in aviation). The pay is not enough to support a family, but it is resonable for a first "real" flying job, and almost will double what I make now. But she is aprehensive about the move.

So on to the delima (as if that wasn't one). How do I get the wife to understand that the career path I have chosen (that I was origonally supported in) is full of suprises like this? What did you do to "educate" your spouse?
 
So on to the delima (as if that wasn't one). How do I get the wife to understand that the career path I have chosen (that I was origonally supported in) is full of suprises like this? What did you do to "educate" your spouse?

Gotta be real with the facts, and possibilities. A little sacrifice now could go a long way later. Of course, her situation would need to be considered too.......does she work? Have a career, or just a job? IE- are things dependant on your income, her income, or both? And to what percentage? Am just throwing out general things to be considered since I don't know your particular domestic situation.
 
I'd say if you have a chance to get a good job in an economy such as this then good for you.

Do you know anyone on the inside at said company that can possibly give you some idea of what base to expect? Seems to me that this could possibly help the decision making process?

Other than that good luck with whatever you decide.
 
I'm no expert, but me thinks that if you're going into any marital issue with the attitude that your spouse needs to be 'educated' then you're setting yourself up for disappoinment. IOW, you told her there would be days like this when you started. If she didn't get it then, she's not going to get it now. Or more to the point, she'll likely see any attempt by you to 'educate' her as you trying to change the deal after the fact. I know that's how I'd see it.

And I say that as someone who is looking at having to move in the next few months due to my wife's job. Her job is not one that typically involves having to relocate and yet, here we are. But I'm ok with it. She loves her job which is important. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that the fact that she makes almost enough to allow me to be a stay at home boy toy didn't enter in to it. Cindy Lauper said money changes everything and she wasn't lying.* Anyway the point is, every decision involving my work or my wife's work is a group decision because it directly affects both of us. There is no job on the planet that is more important to me than my marriage and I'm pretty darn sure the same is true for my wife.

Right or wrong, if your wife says it's best to turn this one down, then maybe you should listen.





*Yes I know it was Prince who wrote the song. But she was the one who brought it to the masses.
 
I'm no expert, but me thinks that if you're going into any marital issue with the attitude that your spouse needs to be 'educated' then you're setting yourself up for disappoinment. IOW, you told her there would be days like this when you started. If she didn't get it then, she's not going to get it now. Or more to the point, she'll likely see any attempt by you to 'educate' her as you trying to change the deal after the fact. I know that's how I'd see it.

And I say that as someone who is looking at having to move in the next few months due to my wife's job. Her job is not one that typically involves having to relocate and yet, here we are. But I'm ok with it. She loves her job which is important. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that the fact that she makes almost enough to allow me to be a stay at home boy toy didn't enter in to it. Cindy Lauper said money changes everything and she wasn't lying.* Anyway the point is, every decision involving my work or my wife's work is a group decision because it directly affects both of us. There is no job on the planet that is more important to me than my marriage and I'm pretty darn sure the same is true for my wife.

Right or wrong, if your wife says it's best to turn this one down, then maybe you should listen.





*Yes I know it was Prince who wrote the song. But she was the one who brought it to the masses.


It's not that she has asked me to turn it down. It's on short notice, and thats why she is haveing mis-givings about it. Right now, due to the recent quiting of the 2nd job, she is the bread winner. But the shoe has shifted feet a few times in the past few years, so she is reasonable about it. What she is worried about is how will it affect my son, and her health care. They both need it ,she is sick, kinda--nothing life threatining, but still needs to be adressed for her comfort), and my son is comming up on three. Would you have a crash bandicot 3yr old w/out health nsurance:crazy:. He's looney and has no fear....and a ton of fun. I just don't think she understands that some sacrafice now could pay huge dividends in the future.
 
What she is worried about is how will it affect my son, and her health care. They both need it ,she is sick, kinda--nothing life threatining, but still needs to be adressed for her comfort), and my son is comming up on three. Would you have a crash bandicot 3yr old w/out health nsurance:crazy:. He's looney and has no fear....and a ton of fun. I just don't think she understands that some sacrafice now could pay huge dividends in the future.
A crash bandiwho from the what? Forgive me but I honestly have no idea what you're talking about there. Not meaning to judge you in any way but if my wife was sick and my current job was the source of our healthcare, I could not even consider a job switch that involved a loss of health benefits because if the shoe were on the other foot, my wife would shovel fecal matter in a coal mine without complaint if it meant keeping me healthy. But that's how our marriage is, YMMV.

And for what it's worth, I've been down the pro aviation road. So the whole 'could pay huge dividends in the future' thing doesn't really doesn't do much for me because I've seen what happens when you finally realize the word 'could' has a very different meaning than the word 'will'. But again, YMMV.
 
Sit down and review all information and options together. Do this in quiet time away from your 3 year old if at all possible. Consider the what-ifs and all potential benefits as best you can see into the future. Talk patiently about fears, cares, passions and don't forget to tell each other often how much you love and care for each other. Then, take 2 days (no less) and decide together what you should do. If it comes down to you wanting to accept the job, and her not wanting you to accept the job because you would have to leave - decline the job. Another opportunity will come along in time that will satisfy both needs. Flying for a living has a higher than average potential to expose otherwise happy marriages to extraordinarily evil and insidious challenges that can be very destructive if not recognized and managed properly.
 
Flying for a living has a higher than average potential to expose otherwise happy marriages to extraordinarily evil and insidious challenges that can be very destructive if not recognized and managed properly.

Man, you aren't kidding. Definite words of wisdom. Spoken from a victim of the above.
 
I know it's been said before but create a budget. This is probably the first step in any realistic acceptance of new employment. Does you wife plan on working and how soon do you get health insurance (I'm a dad for the second time around two months ago and I know how expensive these little buggers can be.) You mentioned that you pay is based on first year pay...how much does it increase in the second year and is that a guaranteed pay rate. From her perspective, because I get a ton of it...everyday. Will there be some sort of support system (in-laws, friends from college, random dancing geico adverteiser...) for her and you kid while you are out on the road? I know that can be a deal breaker, sometimes. What are the realities for you being able to commute. I noticed you are in SoCal now and I know a couple of guys that commute from BFL for regional jobs...let's hope you don't get ORD based. Let it sit for a while and see how you feel after the weekend. Remember, your family is going to be here in thirty years, this job may not.
 
A crash bandiwho from the what? Forgive me but I honestly have no idea what you're talking about there. Not meaning to judge you in any way but if my wife was sick and my current job was the source of our healthcare, I could not even consider a job switch that involved a loss of health benefits because if the shoe were on the other foot, my wife would shovel fecal matter in a coal mine without complaint if it meant keeping me healthy. But that's how our marriage is, YMMV.

And for what it's worth, I've been down the pro aviation road. So the whole 'could pay huge dividends in the future' thing doesn't really doesn't do much for me because I've seen what happens when you finally realize the word 'could' has a very different meaning than the word 'will'. But again, YMMV.

Seriously, how old are you. :D You've never heard of Crash Bandicoot? Best platform game character from the nineties...next to Sonic The Hedgehog.
 
Seriously, how old are you. :D You've never heard of Crash Bandicoot? Best platform game character from the nineties...next to Sonic The Hedgehog.

Tails was better!!! He can fly, wins it hands down.

MS, good luck man, that is all I have for you given my current situation. Being honest from the get go is the best one can do, but it certainly doesn't mean it will be accepted 7 years later...
 
Can you work there with out suddenly moving the whole family? I would base my answer on this question for now because what if you move everyone there and after 2-3 months or even less you get laid off. Baby steps is all I'm saying.
 
I agree with everything Joe said except he just had to mention Cindi Lauper and Prince. Essh

I think the emphasis must be on: a woman isn't a man who looks like a woman. You think she needs to be educated. She's gonna see your efforts differently. No matter how you try, you'll miss the mark. Being honest, as mentioned here, isn't a factor...of course you'll be honest. Just as your wife will be honest. Yet still there will be misunderstanding/miscommunication.

The ideal situation is you move as a family. I suggest you strongly consider not taking this job if it means your family will be separated.

RE: "...the wife".... That sounds demeaning. I know a few women find it offensive to be spoken of that way. Could it be that already you might be defensive? I'm just saying to examine yourself...think about it.
 
Can you work there with out suddenly moving the whole family? I would base my answer on this question for now because what if you move everyone there and after 2-3 months or even less you get laid off. Baby steps is all I'm saying.
I thought that was a pretty good idea too. I'm not saying it isn't but this is what happened to me:

The job did pan out. I got settled in. She soon developed the perception that I was sort of on vacation, enjoying myself, that it became the reason WHY I took the job. Almost like revenge for me having such a 'good time' (while she worked her boring job back on the home front) she felt ever more defiant to coming together. She thought she was being used and given no say in how she was sacrificing. Her perception deepened to allow her to think that I abandoned our marriage so I could go be selfish in my wants and desires. Would it make a diff if kids were involved or not?

Perceptions are very peculiar and 'right' or 'wrong', they do guide behaviors. Even after you've talked and discussed and, and, and....

Every marriage is different. Just be forewarned of what may lie ahead. By the time a woman makes up her mind, the husband is wondering what happened. I would say it is rare that a woman comes back from such a decision.

Sorry for the lengthy reply, I just think this is a very important, critical decision for your family. The stakes are high.
 
That's a tough one, ms. She probably views a pilot's careers as an opportunity to be away a good portion of the time which would allow you some "freedom." (I know many men who've taken THAT opportunity and run with it. Either their wives turn a blind eye to it or there's some sort of unspoken agreement between them) In time, she may learn to relax and accept it, but that's a big one to be looming over a spouse's head. That, and she'll be home left holding the proverbial bag with the kids, household responsibilities, etc. Perceptions are hard to ignore and everyone's marriage is different. Good luck in whatever decision you come to. I can see the issue from both sides as I was involved in an airline career AND am a woman.
 
Originally Posted by calcapt
Flying for a living has a higher than average potential to expose otherwise happy marriages to extraordinarily evil and insidious challenges that can be very destructive if not recognized and managed properly.


Man, you aren't kidding. Definite words of wisdom. Spoken from a victim of the above.

The don't call it AIDS for nothing...
 
I turned down 2 jobs making over $40k flying caravans as a sacrifice for my wife's career. Then a found a $60k job doing avionics computer training in the area to stay local.

I got laid off eventually. Then my wife got laid off. She recognized that I took 3 lumps for her progression and not my own.

Now my wife found a job that will take her away from home for 3-8 months at a stretch, from SC to Maine. So now, we just need to find somewhere we are happy living - since it doesn't matter for her anymore. I just need to persue a flying job.

For me, taking the lumps for 3 years wshowed her the sacrifices I was willing to make, and it has come back to me in a positive manner. Now I have the understanding from her that the moving and being away from home isnt that bad.

I think it's just a matter of helping them get to that point mentally - that as long as you have family and a home it doesn't always matter where or how often you move. You have one another and will both make sacrifices along the way.
 
Sit down and review all information and options together. Do this in quiet time away from your 3 year old if at all possible. Consider the what-ifs and all potential benefits as best you can see into the future. Talk patiently about fears, cares, passions and don't forget to tell each other often how much you love and care for each other. Then, take 2 days (no less) and decide together what you should do. If it comes down to you wanting to accept the job, and her not wanting you to accept the job because you would have to leave - decline the job. Another opportunity will come along in time that will satisfy both needs. Flying for a living has a higher than average potential to expose otherwise happy marriages to extraordinarily evil and insidious challenges that can be very destructive if not recognized and managed properly.

doest get much better advice than this!!! Heck not just for aviation folks but for everyone!!!!! GREAT STUFF!!:clap:
 
Sit down and review all information and options together. Do this in quiet time away from your 3 year old if at all possible. Consider the what-ifs and all potential benefits as best you can see into the future. Talk patiently about fears, cares, passions and don't forget to tell each other often how much you love and care for each other. Then, take 2 days (no less) and decide together what you should do. If it comes down to you wanting to accept the job, and her not wanting you to accept the job because you would have to leave - decline the job. Another opportunity will come along in time that will satisfy both needs. Flying for a living has a higher than average potential to expose otherwise happy marriages to extraordinarily evil and insidious challenges that can be very destructive if not recognized and managed properly.

EXCELLENT advice.
 
I know you don't want to give company specifics, but what kind of job, and equipment, that you are thinking this is too good to pass up, and could potentially yield enormous dividends in the future?
 
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