Unscientific survey for an article I'm writing: Kids - why?

Matt13C said:
I personally believe that you need to have your own before you will know for sure if being a parent is for you. Obviously that present a huge problem, you cant exactly put them back.
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Yes - that's a huge problem, and one that will only hurt the children if you decide once you've had them that you really didn't want them after all. I think it seems like it would be safer, if you aren't sure you want them, to not have them, and only have them if you really truly want them. (Or?)
 
SeatClutcher said:
Genuinely confused - you want them, or you feel pressured to have them?
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Sorry for the confusion. The pressure for us is more around the timing of it all. We feel 3-4 years out is going to be the best for us, but people around us want us to have a kid sooner. I think your question is a good one though about the "why" and wish I had more to add to it. I do want children, but I can't put my finger on specifically why I want them.

I feel like it would be really amazing to produce a child that starts out being entirely dependent on you, but grows and accomplishes things as they mature.
 
exneophyte said:
Sorry for the confusion. The pressure for us is more around the timing of it all. We feel 3-4 years out is going to be the best for us, but people around us want us to have a kid sooner. I think your question is a good one though about the "why" and wish I had more to add to it. I do want children, but I can't put my finger on specifically why I want them.

I feel like it would be really amazing to produce a child that starts out being entirely dependent on you, but grows and accomplishes things as they mature.
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If you haven't heard of the website DINKlife, and if you're interested, it's a website where people who a) don't have and don't want kids, and b) don't have kids now but want them later (and would like to enjoy their "now" time without being pressured to have kids) gather. I think there's an even balance of a & b types.
 
SeatClutcher said:
If you haven't heard of the website DINKlife, and if you're interested, it's a website where people who a) don't have and don't want kids, and b) don't have kids now but want them later (and would like to enjoy their "now" time without being pressured to have kids) gather. I think there's an even balance of a & b types.
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Awesome, thanks. I'll check it out.
 
SeatClutcher said:
Yes - that's a huge problem, and one that will only hurt the children if you decide once you've had them that you really didn't want them after all. I think it seems like it would be safer, if you aren't sure you want them, to not have them, and only have them if you really truly want them. (Or?)
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I agree, but then I don't, it really depends on the situation. We didn't plan our child, we never really talked about it beyond, "yeah it might be cool one day". To go by that logic, we simply would never had her because we were not sure. To have my daughter now, the life we have, the fun we have as a family makes it impossible to even think of life without her and makes us want more. She is hands down, the greatest surprise we ever received and I would go to the end of the earth for her. I can't know and feel that without having her though.

I wouldn't say "have a kid, try it out, see how it goes" to everyone. If you have mental issues, a drug problem or cant afford to feed yourself, or some other impediment I would not recommend having a child. However, if you are in a loving relationship are stable and are considering it, don't sway to the no side so quickly. You could be missing out on the greatest adventure of your life. You don't need all your ducks in a row, just a few of the primary ones.

That all said, I think some people have kids for the wrong reasons also. Kids are not a trophy, they are not something to shove in front of a tv until you need them so you can brag to friends about how awesome YOU are. If you are happy, kids will generally make you happier, they cant fix your issues and wont make you happy though.

I guess what I am saying is, don't jump to no right away just because you are undecided. Especially dont do it based on others experiences. We as people love to bitch. For every sob story a parent tells you there are 100 great moments that are left unshared, especially to a non parent. I dont know what it is, but some parents love to complain to non parents and tell them all the reasons to not have kids. Its like they are looking for sympathy or they want some sort of recognition for all the hard work they do. Maybe they want to hear the person say things like "oh man, that is rough, how do you handle that, I couldn't do it". The reality is, you don't know how you will feel about kids until you have them. You could have always wanted them, have them and be miserable. You could have never wanted them, have them and be happy and fulfilled. You don't know until you know.
 
Thanks for that. I appreciate your answer and your honesty.

Did you ever wonder, "What if I do this and it makes me miserable?" Or did you ever worry, before your child was born, that you might regret it, or did you wonder how it might impact your relationship with your wife?
 
I've never had the desire to have my own children. However, I have always possessed the desire to adopt/foster children. Not infants - children.
 
TripSix said:
I've never had the desire to have my own children. However, I have always possessed the desire to adopt/foster children. Not infants - children.
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Why? And: have you done it yet/do you have solid plans to do it? (Much respect to you if you do end up doing this, btw.)
 
SeatClutcher said:
Thanks for that. I appreciate your answer and your honesty.

Did you ever wonder, "What if I do this and it makes me miserable?" Or did you ever worry, before your child was born, that you might regret it, or did you wonder how it might impact your relationship with your wife?
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I(we) never really thought it would make us miserable because we didn't approach it as a sentence. Life is not over, it's just a new chapter. Everything we enjoyed before we had her we still enjoy today. It may take a bit more planning in some instances, but kids are not the wet blanket that some make them out to be.

As far as impacting the relationship, yeah, I think it is natural to wonder what the impact will be. We never thought we would regret it, but there was some apprehension regarding what might happen to us. Not really if we would make it, just how we would handle everything. You see other couples fighting, lacking affection and some getting divorces. Nobody wants that to happen to them and you cant help but wonder as you are approaching the same phase of life.

Having a child brings up so many new questions and situations. How will you raise them, what lessons will you try and impart, what type of person do you hope they become, how will you discipline them all the way down to what type of food will you feed them. Questions you never really think about, but that need to be answered.Like anything it's about communication. If you don't talk then there will be problems. Kids will not help a bad relationship and wont hurt a good one, but they can make a good one stronger.
 
SeatClutcher said:
This isn't a judgement piece, but just a look at why people decide to have kids. Other choices can be reversed, so it's a little different from making a choice you can later change your mind about (even the child free have the option to change their minds).

Thanks for the replies so far! Appreciate it.
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I never made this kind of connection before, but your description above made me think of tattoos.
 
SeatClutcher said:
Why? And: have you done it yet/do you have solid plans to do it? (Much respect to you if you do end up doing this, btw.)
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I'm marking this to come back to later. As I started to type the response I realized the answer was not as simple as I thought it was.

As you are genuinely asking, the least I can do is give you the most complete answer-and I'm at a loss of how to phrase it right now...
 
So for my serious answer. I love children and always have. I love to see a kid processing the things happening around them and making connections and learning and forming opinions and asking a million questions. My wife and I wanted children because we felt that it's a beautiful thing to create another human being together, to see our parts joined and know that person will affect the future in a million ways. It's a meaningful commitment to each other, saying yes I love you and I am willing to sacrifice my preferences and my time and my energy in order to raise a child and guide them through this life. Much like Roger said, we are also people of deep faith, and we feel that provides not only a directive to have children, but is a very helpful step in understanding our own relationship with God. To know parental love as a "giver" and not just a "receiver" is an incredible experience, it's humbling and empowering.

As for the negatives, yes of course you get tired when a 1 month old has a belly ache and they cannot explain it to you and you need to work the next day but they are in pain and you have no idea what to do for them, but so what? Sacrificing my time for another human being is a good thing any which way you slice it, and good things dont always feel convenient or easy. I've seen people vent before on Facebook too and usually it's just that...venting, getting something off one's chest to help them process it... it doesn't mean they regret having kids by any means. I think it's also very popular now days to be a sarcastic complainer, everyone thinks they are some junior version of John Stewart or something. The thing about kids is they expose a lot of your idols and weaknesses, which helps you grow as a human being. It's like having a giant mirror that exposes your ugliness, and that gives you the opportunity to fix what you see, or just be bitter and make up excuses.

It might sound cliched but I dont care, outside of my marriage to my wife, there is no other human relationship I've ever had that is so meaningful and if this life isn't primarily about the relationships you build, then in my opinion it's a life wasted.
 
SeatClutcher said:
Why? And: have you done it yet/do you have solid plans to do it? (Much respect to you if you do end up doing this, btw.)
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I have never felt the desire to create children. Instead, I have always possessed the overwhelming desire to adopt/foster. Human beings are capable of extraordinary things - when given a chance.

I am who I am, where I am, and what I am because once upon a time someone gave me a chance. Or, technically, a second chance - depending on how you look at it.

When I got married, that thought process did not change. Despite me stating those beliefs very early in the dating process, and continuing to restate them throughout the duration, my marriage ultimately dissolved because as my ex-husband said, "what woman doesn't want to have kids?" Well, I did - just not my biological own.

Fast forward to round two - and I inherited two step-children. They have been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and yet - it never stirred the desire to have more of my own. If anything, it strengthened my desire to adopt/foster. One thing it did do, however, was shift my stance towards adopting/fostering teenaged children and sibling groups, whereas in the past I was more focused on the 7+ age group.

As far as actually doing it, unfortunately no - we have not been able to.

In the "current marital status" section there isn't a box for "domestic partner." You have to write it in. Page three, that question. That's as far as we've been able to get before the gears come to a screeching halt...
 
I did it because I thought I was going on a month long vacation to pound town.....instead it was only a two night stay ;)

My wife and I always wanted kids. I have met plenty of people with kids, and although they can pick up and leave whenever they want, I can't stand the thought of just growing old with no family. God forbid, if something would happen to one of us, it's comforting to know there is family there to take care of us and keep us company. That is just one reason. My wife and I have a very strong marriage and just wanted to create a life together.

I can honestly say my 1 year old son has given me more joy, love and sense of responsibility/reason that I never thought I could feel.
 
For us, I've worked with enough kids from parents that shouldn't have had any (and have 6) to know I wanted to have a child and raise it to be a natural learner and to help contribute to society. I also want children to help us to laugh and learn together as a family. I'm pretty sure DH wants them so he has an excuse to play with toys/ go to kid places. ;)
 
MQAAord said:
I think I have more fun with the kids' toys than they do sometimes...
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See it's a legit excuse. He was helping to watch a 2 year old at a friend's house and ended up taking his RC car to "show him how it works". The kid was bored with it after a few seconds, but not DH.
 
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