Splitting up...

R

ralphbrynard

New Member
Wife and I are splitting up. Not really comfortable to share the details but... you know.

We've been together for almost 12 years, married for 4yrs and have a 3yr old little girl.

The split doesn't have anything to do with aviation (because I'm not even a professional pilot), but, for me anyway, does have to do with not having support on the home front.

I guess just need a place to get it off my chest?
 
I'm so sorry to hear this. Hang in there. The JC family is here if you need us.
 
Tld said:
I'm so sorry to hear this. Hang in there. The JC family is here if you need us.
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:yeahthat:

I can't say I've faced a divorce-magnitude event lately, but I had some stumbles of my own this year. The JC family kept me sane.
I've also been down the "no support from the homefront" thing.

If you need to vent to somebody, Ralph, feel free to PM me.
 
Thanks for the support guys... It means a lot. I guess there's a lot going through my mind right now like, if i thought i could hold things together AFTER I started flying professionally and things fell apart before, what would that say about my chosen profession? While the situation sucks I do find myself focusing on my daughter and being there for her, I also find myself re-prioritizing what I need to do in order to get into a position where I can provide for her you know? Anyway, I think being shell shocked I've sort of rambled a bunch of incoherence in this post but I am assuming I'll get a free pass on this one! ;-) Thanks again for the support guys.
 
Free pass, indeed, sir. Keep your chin up and keep plugging. I've been through a divorce where there weren't even kids and it was still one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. Asking for a little help and little patience in a time like this in your life is certainly no crime. Do what you need to do.
 
ralphbrynard said:
Thanks for the support guys... It means a lot. I guess there's a lot going through my mind right now like, if i thought i could hold things together AFTER I started flying professionally and things fell apart before, what would that say about my chosen profession? While the situation sucks I do find myself focusing on my daughter and being there for her, I also find myself re-prioritizing what I need to do in order to get into a position where I can provide for her you know? Anyway, I think being shell shocked I've sort of rambled a bunch of incoherence in this post but I am assuming I'll get a free pass on this one! ;-) Thanks again for the support guys.
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You're not incoherent Ralph....you're human buddy!

Twelve years is a long time to be "literally being joined at the hip" so to speak. It's gonna take time, alot of venting, crying, and really expressing your feelings and emotions in the proper environment. Concentrating on your daughter and being there for her is a excellent start. I know.....I'm 5 1/2 into a divorce with a 6 yr old son.

As someone stated, we, the JC community are here for you!




atp
 
Get some PERSONAL face to face contact and counseling. Although as seen here there is support however I hope you have someone you can open up with personally. This is not something to do solo or with a cyber-wingman.
 
Hey man, we are all here for you. I know you and your family will get through this. You have the right idea by being there for your daughter. What ever heart tells you you need to do for her you do it!
 
Orange Anchor said:
Get some PERSONAL face to face contact and counseling. Although as seen here there is support however I hope you have someone you can open up with personally. This is not something to do solo or with a cyber-wingman.
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Yeah I agree... it's been a weird process because I have been going back and forth between total despair and being OK with everything. It still feels like I'm walking around like a zombie you know? I mean, this is the weirdest situation too because it's not like she did anything to me or I did anything to her you know? It's like, we're mutually agreeing that things haven't been working for a long time and that it would be best if we separate. And we have actually been more civil with each other over the last week than we have in the last two years.... And to me, that really gives me a lot of concern because if you can be married to someone for four years and not have the realization that something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship before it's too late then how do you ever know when you're having real problems?

I mean, I think the best thing to do is to definitely go and see a counselor or somthing. And I think it's best that, no matter what differences my wife and I have right now that we don't make the situation entirely about us and work on being the best parents we can be for our daughter.

Again, I just want to thank you guys for being supportive. I've been lurking on these boards for over a year at least and this is the first post I've made about something deeply personal. I'm glad to be a part of the JC community and hopefully over the next few years can get to know you guys better.

Anyway, that's all for now.... We'll see what happens.
 
It is definitely a process, and on the darker days, try to remind yourself that it's just temporary. The haze will fade in time, trust me. A lot of the things you're describing, and questions you are asking yourself may not have clear cut answers. Try not to overanalyze because it will get clearer with the passage of time. Speaking to a professional can help with that for sure. Even if expensive, the investment in yourself and finding the answers your looking for it very much worth it. Hang in there.
 
Hey man sorry to hear that. I know everyone keeps telling you that it will get better and sometimes you dont want to hear it but it does get better. I came home from a trip about a year and a half ago and my wife was gone. Packed up and I literally have not seen her since. I seriously thought the world ended and some days I still feel that way. All I can say is stay close to your family and friends and talk about it. Going to therapy was a huge help as well.

It sounds crazy but go online and watch Cristopher Titus, "Love is Evol" The funniest comedy bit I have ever seen. Its all the medication you will need. I've watched it about 20 times since she left. You wont stop laughing.

Good luck and keep your head up. Focus on your daughter and career. The best advice I got in the past 18 months was someone I really did not even know. He told me if you think you life sucks there are literally millions of people that will change place with you in a second. :) Makes sense!
 
ralphbrynard said:
Yeah I agree... it's been a weird process because I have been going back and forth between total despair and being OK with everything. It still feels like I'm walking around like a zombie you know? I mean, this is the weirdest situation too because it's not like she did anything to me or I did anything to her you know? It's like, we're mutually agreeing that things haven't been working for a long time and that it would be best if we separate. And we have actually been more civil with each other over the last week than we have in the last two years.... And to me, that really gives me a lot of concern because if you can be married to someone for four years and not have the realization that something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship before it's too late then how do you ever know when you're having real problems?

I mean, I think the best thing to do is to definitely go and see a counselor or somthing. And I think it's best that, no matter what differences my wife and I have right now that we don't make the situation entirely about us and work on being the best parents we can be for our daughter.

Again, I just want to thank you guys for being supportive. I've been lurking on these boards for over a year at least and this is the first post I've made about something deeply personal. I'm glad to be a part of the JC community and hopefully over the next few years can get to know you guys better.

Anyway, that's all for now.... We'll see what happens.
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A lot of us have been there. You'll swing back and forth like a pendulum. The five stages of the grief process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) will be with you. You may go from a feeling of peace and ease to any one of those- or all of them all at once- as you work through this. There is no set time limit.

You've taken a brave and healthy step by sharing your problem and asking for help. You've got a good handle on this. I know a lot of us don't know you personally that well, but we're all here for you. We're family, us JC folks.

I'm around a lot these days- I have a little extra time off this month.. and I'm right down I-35 from ya. Maybe sometime we could grab a beer at the Loophole in the square and laugh at the college kids. Feel free to PM me if that or some variation of that appeals.
 
ralphbrynard said:
Thanks for the support guys... It means a lot. I guess there's a lot going through my mind right now like, if i thought i could hold things together AFTER I started flying professionally and things fell apart before, what would that say about my chosen profession? While the situation sucks I do find myself focusing on my daughter and being there for her, I also find myself re-prioritizing what I need to do in order to get into a position where I can provide for her you know? Anyway, I think being shell shocked I've sort of rambled a bunch of incoherence in this post but I am assuming I'll get a free pass on this one! ;-) Thanks again for the support guys.
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Last weekend, I celebrated with my wife 33 years of marriage, so I guess I can say I have a small perspective on marriage. What I do know is it's a crap shoot; if it lasts more than five years, consider yourself lucky. More than that, consider yourself blessed.

What's most important is the fact one should NEVER EVER place blame/responsibility on why it didn't work out. It is what it is. If you considered the two of you savvy, smart and intelligent individuals, I'm sure you did what it took to make it work. Guess what? Sometimes, even that can NEVER be enough. So be it. Your primary responsibility now is your daughter; if your soon to be ex-wife is a good "mother," then you're good. With or without you being there as frequently or often as you would like, if she is a good mom, you'll not have the negativity of "blame" from her to your child. Good parents don't do that.

Head up! It's not a failure. Some people take awhile to recognize couple can have irreconcilable differences. Nothing wrong with that now. . .or later in a marriage. Simply don't try to push a bad hand. . . . Best of luck to you.
 
MFT1Air said:
Last weekend, I celebrated with my wife 33 years of marriage, so I guess I can say I have a small perspective on marriage. What I do know is it's a crap shoot; if it lasts more than five years, consider yourself lucky. More than that, consider yourself blessed.

What's most important is the fact one should NEVER EVER place blame/responsibility on why it didn't work out. It is what it is. If you considered the two of you savvy, smart and intelligent individuals, I'm sure you did what it took to make it work. Guess what? Sometimes, even that can NEVER be enough. So be it. Your primary responsibility now is your daughter; if your soon to be ex-wife is a good "mother," then you're good. With or without you being there as frequently or often as you would like, if she is a good mom, you'll not have the negativity of "blame" from her to your child. Good parents don't do that.

Head up! It's not a failure. Some people take awhile to recognize couple can have irreconcilable differences. Nothing wrong with that now. . .or later in a marriage. Simply don't try to push a bad hand. . . . Best of luck to you.
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Thanks for that man. I see you're in clear lake? Where do you fly out of?
 
I know I'm late to this, but...the thread caught my eye.

Hang in there though Ralph. You gotta do you and make yourself happy, otherwise the people around you will also be miserable.

Best of luck.
 
I too suggest some face to face counseling. However, when you do go, do it together. Otherwise, one or the other of you runs the risk of deepening the separation. That's personal experience and the advice of many talking.
 
Ralph,

Hadn't seen any response on here in a while and hope you are doing all right. Couldn't imagine being in your position but you have a family on here to talk to, so let us know how things are going.
 
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