Marriage Pressure...

mtsu_av8er

mtsu_av8er

Well-Known Member
I was reading another thread, and something was said in a post that coincided with something I've been thinking about alot here the last few days.

Why all of the pressure to get married? If you're in a commited relationship, and you already share everything, and your partner is the beneficiary on your life insurance....why the pressure to get married?

I really don't understand it. For the women, what is your view on the matter? If you are one to pressure your partner (or if you did...), what was the point? Is it to legitimize the relationship? Is it because of pressure from friends or family? Is it because "that's the way you do things..."? If you feel the need to pressure, do you ever worry that that pressure may cause your partner to act out of haste, and be bitter about it later?

For the fellas, how do you deal with it? what was the last straw? What made you "give in"? How do you stand your ground?

Just wondering...a friend of mine is having this problem...
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I feel like for me getting married is more of a way to celebrate and share the love of our relationship with family and friends. It also ensures all the legal mumbo jumbo like being able to visit in the ICU or make critical medical decisions (god forbidding htose ever happen, but you know what i mean). Marriage is also a way to cement a commited relationship, because while you can easily walk away from just a regular relationship, with marriage (to me) there is a lot more invested into it. I can't really explain what I mean too well though so hopefully you understand...I also view marriage as something final, and htere is no walking away. If things get rough you do whatever you have to inorder to make it work. (but again, that's just me).

ok hope that helped somewhat...even though it probably confused you more
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Oft-used cliche for your pal Lloyd.......Why buy the cow when the milk's free?
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Oft-used cliche for your pal Lloyd.......Why buy the cow when the milk's free?
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That's the only sense I can make of it....
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Why all of the pressure to get married?

[/ QUOTE ] For me there really was no pressure. Are you asking about pressure from your partner or society in general. I never really had any pressure from my wife. It was just something that we talked about. As for the ceremony I was not concerned whether it was big/small/whatever. My wife wanted a church wedding so I figured fine with me.

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What made you "give in"?

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I don't know that I gave in, but I figured I was missing something in life. I had a good job, was making decent coin, and happy for the most part with my life. I really didn't have anyone to share it with. A commited realtionship was the one thing I had wanted. I know you don't "have to be married" to be committed, but I know that is what she wanted so I figured that was something I could do for her.
(psst, don't tell her I said this. she might think I am getting soft)

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Just wondering...a friend of mine is having this problem...

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Tell your friend I said good luck with whatever decision he makes.
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Tell your friend I said good luck with whatever decision he makes.
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Than...I mean, will do!
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I didn't pressure Corbin in to getting married, we dated for 5 years before we did. (Granted were both still young). I know of a lot of guys that pressure girls so don't think it's all only the women.

As for WHY to get married, I agree with Emily. It's REALLY easy to walk away from even a "commited" relationship, but when you are actually married it's a whole different story. It MAKES you have to work at it, it makes you a better person when you are willing to do that work. Also if you want children, well, I don't think any one can argue that a two parent family is generally a better way to raise kids than random multiple partners their whole life. It's also a religous thing for many, it's a celebration, it's legal proof of your commitment, it's a way to get your benefits/taxes etc. taken care of.

If some one is feeling pressured to get married, and they don't WANT to, than they shouldn't. But if someone has been in a relationship for several years and wants to be married and the other person doesn't want to, than I understand why they would put pressure on. You can only wait so long for one person before you have to question their reasons for not wanting a life time commitment to you. Then you have to say, now or I am leaving.

I think some guys are just big chickens when it comes to getting married though. Deep down they really want to be, but they don't think it's macho or something so they put up a fight.
 
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I think some guys are just big chickens when it comes to getting married though. Deep down they really want to be, but they don't think it's macho or something so they put up a fight.

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Some guys, maybe - I was married once....I was married for almost as long as I was in the Marine Corps (I was in for 8 years...)!!! I have no fear of being married - marriage was cool. I just wonder why women feel this need to "be married".

I know alot of men pressure women, but let's be honest - it's usually the other way around.
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There really was no pressure from Amy regarding marriage. We had been dating for a while, we were both happy with how and where our lives were going, and it seemed to naturally be the next step--that is getting engaged and married.

I think the pressure comes from the pressurer wanting that recognition from the community, I mean sometimes I think they feel the community takes them/a person more serious or in higher regard if they are married opposed to being in a relationship.

If that doesn't make sense, my apologies, hope any of this helps.
 
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How do you stand your ground?

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Three simple words for the woman:

"KNOW YOUR ROLE"
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it can be interpreted in many ways.

j/k, I only say that to Amy when she KNOWS I'm joking.

I forget who I heard this from:

"Let her be right, and you'll be alright"
 
Aslong as it is not her father making me, cause a little bundle of joy is on the way - I think I could cope.
 
Well, I really had no intention of getting married at all and Kristie had to drag me into it kicking and screaming. You know, life is good, just bought a house together, had a joint checking account and no worries so why "stir the pot" by getting married?

The value of being married really didn't hit me until the ceremony and it hit like a ton of bricks. I think I spent the next week repeating, "I totally get it now, holy crap!"

And I'm not saying this because Kristie's probably going to read this, but marriage within itself is at best neutral. But being married to a person who is your "best friend with benefits" is pure nirvana. We both "geek out" together, I don't need a 'guys night out', she changes doorknobs and uses power tools and I cook and work on the lawn.

Guava baby, pure guava!

Choose well or choose often!
 
Being married has been really fun for us, so far... when your committed, you just don't feel that 100% connection, within a girls frame of mind, there's always that skeptical feeling of "if we argue, you might leave" or "you'll find someone whose got more free flowing milk production than me at some point" or "why should you have the milk for free - where's my end of the deal" type thing....not that all of us girls are selfish, but I hate that term of "why buy the cow when the milk is free".. first off, we're not cows.. secondly, sex shouldn't be seen as something that's "bargained with" or "owed" to you for dating us.

After dating Doug for 8 years, it was time to "sh*t or get off the pot" (for both of us really - because we'd gotten too comfortable)...I wanted to move forward, feel a bit more secure about our relationship and be able to use the airline benefits (we were spending way too much denero on passes)...we already had the house, bank accnts, a dog & a cat and the committment... Thru the years, we'd ironed out all our problems but kept getting nagged by family/friends on weddings and babies (we just got tired of it)...I wanted that spouse card SO BAD so I could stop buying buddy passes and fly overseas and I wanted my name on the house since I was putting money into it (long story, but my name couldn't be put on the house when we went to buy it).. With marriage, I also like the fact that if anything were to happen to either of us (Like if I get BC like my mom did), we have eachother to turn to and we are the next of kin.

I literally had to drag him kicking and screaming (he was even late because he was having too much fun talking to friends outside the chapel) because he swore he'd never get married and he just got way too comfortable...I gave him a date and he literally waited till the last minute and proposed on the final day...I did most of the planning and had him help me with some of it, just to keep him involved because I didn't like the idea of "you plan, I'll just show up"...but anyways, the rest is history and it's really added/complimented our lives...our first year, he kept repeating "now, i get it - how come I didn't get it before?"

Marriage is work and we like the challenge.. we were best friends first and we continue to bring that into the relationship. I've known since the 3rd month that he was put here to be my "other/better half" (no - really!)...we had our hard times.. at the point where my parents disagreed with our relationship, he had to work to keep me sane and when i told him to "sh*t or get off the pot", I had to "show him the way", if i can say that! hahahaha and yes, it was a LONG, hard road but well worth the effort.

but there's always marriage pressures.. girls want the security of knowing someone will always be there for them, thru thick and thin, no matter what...they also want to be able to breathe a little easier when thinking ahead to house, money, children, retirement, old age etc...girls are brought up to have a mate and to keep the family structure (for the most part), enjoy childhood, grow up, go to college, get a job, find a hubby, get settled, have children, enjoy grandchildren and so forth...somehow, someway - it's engrained as to what our "job" is...I have no idea how (sublimittal messages?)...but even trying to deviate from that structure is hard to do (it's easier to give in)... especially when your part of the minority that doesn't want to travel that particular path or in that order...

but anyways, I've rambed, I ramble.. I'm a rambler!
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Well.... I'll chime in:

Getting married to R2Fem was the best thing I ever did! I can honestly say that. (and no, she does not read these threads..... that I'm aware of.
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I was 36 when we got married. I had dated ALL kinds of women: The ones who HAD to be married by <insert age here>, didn't matter to whom.
The ones who were in the party stage and barely wanted to date (those were fun gals
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The ones who were coming off a relationship and I just happened to get in their sites - never a good mix.
The ones who turned gay IMMEDIATELY after we broke up...... (okay, kidding... but you get the idea..).

At any rate, I feel like I've seen `em all... and frankly, when I started dating the woman whom I would marry, it just felt.... right. That's all I can say.

There was NO pressure from her or from me as both of us were in the stage of our lives where we had basically given up on any kind of pursuit of "the one". I had resigned myself to the "fact" that I was to be a bachelor the rest of my life and I was fine with that. Same for her.

i.e., we were not "looking".

So, for me, it was just "natural". It just happened. No pressure. No regrets. No anxiety. When I proposed, I knew it was the right thing to do.

I would do it again... a million times.

But, I would NOT be overly thrilled about getting back into the dating pool should (GOD FORBID) something ever happen to my wife.

Women suck!
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Hey... like I said... I've seen `em all. Ain't NONE of `em right in the head.
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Some guys, maybe - I was married once....I was married for almost as long as I was in the Marine Corps (I was in for 8 years...)!!! I have no fear of being married - marriage was cool. I just wonder why women feel this need to "be married".

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Lloyd, I guess I'm that oddball woman who doesn't feel a need or urge or rush or urgency to be married. In fact, until recently I would not even entertain the notion! Through my 20s I was one independent sonofagun. Now that I've hit 30, I've felt things change a bit and I'm more ready for it.

I'm still an independent sonufagun.
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I've been dating my boyfriend for exactly 4 years, and you know what? HE'S the one all ready to get married! The first couple of years, I was of the "hell no, not yet" persuasion, now things are slowly changing. Guess it takes me a while to get warmed up.

We are just now starting to have serious talks about marriage - one of which we've barely gotten into (and probably should have by now, but better later than never in this case) - that being the fact that I do not want children. At least not at this point in time - things do change, but right now - absolutely no interest whatsoever.

I hope and pray that is not a dealbreaker for him. But I am standing my ground - yes, marriage is starting to sound pretty cool, but not at the expense of my happiness if I were to succumb to pressure for kids. I think he'll be cool. Now his mother, that's another story...
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In any event. No pressure here. I take life as it comes and let things happen naturally. No need to rush, I've got more than enough life ahead of me at this point.

Sarah
 
I personally never felt any pressure to get married.

Of course I also told my family early on that I wasn't getting married (like age 10 or something insane like that), and until I met my wife at 20 I was pretty solid on that.

From what I've seen from my friends etc. the pressure usually doesn't come from the woman, but rather your family, her family, and especially her ovaries.

A lot of women want kids ASAP, and a lot of those women feel like they NEED to have the kids right now. That's why women will sometimes badger men into marrying them. Of course this is just a bad scene, because they get married (he didn't want to), they have kids (he didn't want), and then they get divoriced the kids are fought over and everyone ends up hurt. Or they end up staying together, he doesn't take a role in the kid's life, he and his wife barely speak, and everyone is miserable.

I think also that a lot of women out there just are not independent enough (or so they think) to live alone. My sis-in-law is a perfect example. If she could've been married at 13 she would've. She NEEDS a man to take care of her or so she thinks. Problem is that she always hooks up with such losers that SHE ends up taking care of HIM. Thankfully she hasn't married any of them yet, but I'm sure she will shortly.

I think that very few of these women could really not survive on their own, but that's just me.

Add that to her and your parents desire to have grandchildren and it's just a mess.

I can say right now if she had put any pressure on me to marry her, I at least would still be single.

Anyhow, my two cents.

Naunga
 
Not married yet, but intensly involved with Emily these days so I'll throw down something here.

When I met Emily, I had just gotten out of a relationship with a girl I had dated for 3.5 years, which included most of high school and our first year of college. At that point in my life, I was sick of women. I swore them off and said they were not worth it. During that summer me and Emily chatted through the internet a bit, hung out a few times and eventually ended up dating. After a few weeks with her I was all like "Hey this chic is pretty cool!" and got things figured out pretty well. I'm pretty sure she's the one I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with, but at this point in my life I'm only 22 and that whole marriage thing is gonna wait a little while. I love Emily to death, and never want to be without her; but I'm still only 22 and I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship. So when I grow up (aprox. age, 26) we'll go and do that marriage thing, but until then I'm gonna hang out with Emily in our domestic relationship thing. I think we agree on this one? Ahh....hmm....

Cheers


John Herreshoff
 
Thanks for the advice, everyone!! Everyone seems to make sense.

The one theme that keeps returning is this whole "kids" issue. See, We've both already been married once, we have two kids between the two of us and aren't having anymore. So, that's out of the picture.

Really, she's afraid (I think) that I'm going to decide that my life would be easier, especially in my chosen career path, if I was all by myself, and that if I decide this then I'll be gone. Therefore, marriage is some sort of a commitment.

This holds no water for me. I've been divorced before, and it takes $400 and 30 days - plus 8 signitures and a Notary's seal - to end it. I understand that marriage is a commitment, but it's not like a recording contract.

I suppose I'm going to have to give in eventually, because I'm sure I'll get a "now or never" speech, but I just don't understand!!
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This holds no water for me. I've been divorced before, and it takes $400 and 30 days - plus 8 signitures and a Notary's seal - to end it. I understand that marriage is a commitment, but it's not like a recording contract.


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Yup. I thought marriage was forever and treated it that way, and it's nice to think of it in those terms, but the reality is it's just a legal contract that can – quite easily, in fact – be "renegotiated" at any point with only one person's consent.
 
Bill and I met while we were both at Eagle. We were young, broke, and he was living with his parents. That didn't bother me, we liked each other's company and were very happy. He had just ended a relationship with a girl who he really thought was 'the one', but she couldn't deal with the pilot's life and dumped him. (After finding herself a new man, of course.)

He went to TWA, but didn't really feel like his life was 'settled' enough for marriage. The company wasn't very strong financially, and it wasn't 'stable' enough. I understood, and we kept dating.

Then he went to Delta. Now he had the job with the majors that he'd wanted his whole life, but was still dragging his feet and refuesed to even talk marriage with me. So I left. I told him we shouldn't see each other anymore until he could decide what he wanted from me. 6 very long weeks went by, and I didn't call him. At 2am, while I was on an overnight in BOS, he called and we ended up getting back together. I wasn't demanding a ring right then and there, but I wanted the promise that marriage was somewhere in the relativly not too distant future.

So he drug his feet some more, and it finally took 9/11 to make him realize what was really important in life. I lost everything, my job, my apartment, almost 7 years invested in a career that was now vanished. I had to retreat back home with my parents in WI, and my future looked pretty bleak. Go to work at Lands' End (again) like everyone else in the county (kind of like going to work at the steel mill in some communities), find some minimum wage customer service job....that was all I really was qualified for & wait for a recall letter or other airlines to start hiring again. But Bill said "no, you've always wanted to learn how to fly, so let's take this opportunity to get you your PPL". I thought he was nuts. With his assistance, it became a reality! I would have survived without him, I've worked in factories & done other jobs. I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. But my life is better with him in it, and his is better with me! He finally reached the point where he realized how important I was to him, and he wanted to get married. To me. It was, to us, the issue of wanting to spend our lives together, and marriage is a legal sign of that commitment. 9/11 showed us never to take anything for granted, the things that seem stable & secure, may or may not actually be. But we know that no matter how many times I get furloughed, we'll still have each other!
 
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