Dealing with losing mom

B

BCTAv8r

Well-Known Member
Hey guys. Lost my mom a few days ago to cancer after a very stressful couple of years. She was only 53. I was wondering if anyone has any insight on dealing with it and how do you determine when you’re ready to get back to flying? It will obviously take a long time to feel any sort of normalcy again so how do you even know when to go back?
 
Thankfully (selfishly) I have nothing to offer other than condolences. I know I’m just a stranger dude on the internet, but if you ever need to talk, get in touch.
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t give much advice other than talk to people when you need to, my inbox is always open.
 
BCTAv8r said:
Hey guys. Lost my mom a few days ago to cancer after a very stressful couple of years. She was only 53. I was wondering if anyone has any insight on dealing with it and how do you determine when you’re ready to get back to flying? It will obviously take a long time to feel any sort of normalcy again so how do you even know when to go back?
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I’m sorry, Brian. Losing a parent isn’t easy at all. Take some time off, you’ll know when you’re ready to start flying again.

I will admit that it’s something you have to actively work on for a while. When I lost my dad back in 1998, I was a trainwreck of self-doubt, sorrow and guilt because I had focused so hard on getting ahead and made some moronic choices when I didn’t accept that he was in his last few days and I’ve never lived it down.

I’m not religious at all, but I know he’s with me sometimes and it helps.

Talk it out, like this, with friends who have also had loss as everyone has a little something that you can use to cope and heal. Maybe even talking it out with a counselor (betterhelp.com?) if you feel you’re not getting what you feel you need from those in your circle. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I wish I had those tools decades ago.

Your mom lives on, I remember when you first joined the website and how close you two were, especially imagining someone my own age had produced an intelligent, curious and driven son like you. She did a great job and you must continue to celebrate her.

I’ll shoot you my digits in PM if you don’t already have them if you need to chat.
 
derg said:
I’m sorry, Brian. Losing a parent isn’t easy at all. Take some time off, you’ll know when you’re ready to start flying again.

I will admit that it’s something you have to actively work on for a while. When I lost my dad back in 1998, I was a trainwreck of self-doubt, sorrow and guilt because I had focused so hard on getting ahead and made some moronic choices when I didn’t accept that he was in his last few days and I’ve never lived it down.

I’m not religious at all, but I know he’s with me sometimes and it helps.

Talk it out, like this, with friends who have also had loss as everyone has a little something that you can use to cope and heal. Maybe even talking it out with a counselor (betterhelp.com?) if you feel you’re not getting what you feel you need from those in your circle. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I wish I had those tools decades ago.

Your mom lives on, I remember when you first joined the website and how close you two were, especially imagining someone my own age had produced an intelligent, curious and driven son like you. She did a great job and you must continue to celebrate her.

I’ll shoot you my digits in PM if you don’t already have them if you need to chat.
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Thanks, Doug. I appreciate the kind words and advice. With time I suppose it'll work itself out.
 
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My condolences on your loss. I lost my dad a few years ago to cancer. Everyone handles loss and grieving process differently and there is no once answer. You need to do you and focus on you and your family. If you need to talk please talk to whoever you are comfortable talking with. Family, friends, clergy, or our inboxes...

I was off of work for about a month before my dad passed and took about 3 weeks after he passed off as well, just to process everything, and deal with my mom adjusting to be alone now. I didn't go back until I felt I focus 100% on flying the aircraft. My chief pilots were awesome with FMLA and also buying trips off me.
 
BCTAv8r said:
Hey guys. Lost my mom a few days ago to cancer after a very stressful couple of years. She was only 53. I was wondering if anyone has any insight on dealing with it and how do you determine when you’re ready to get back to flying? It will obviously take a long time to feel any sort of normalcy again so how do you even know when to go back?
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Sorry to hear this.

I'm right there with you. I lost my mother to cancer with a 2 week notice. She had a stroke, that exposed stage 4 stomach cancer. She went right to hospice. It was a hit I wasn't ready or prepared for. But the first thing you do is go to therapy for a lost one. It's completely normal and the FAA expects and accepts it. If you don't and choose to hold things in, it will get worse.

The route back to flying is something that you will feel ready to do. Going to therapy will open the pressure valve for you and you'll fell better faster. But the sense of loss becomes a new weight that gets a little lighter over time. It will happen. Just remember there will be a lot of "first's without mom" coming. First Christmas, birthday, family reunions, etc. Knowing this will get you prepared to get through it.

Get in touch if you need to.
 
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I lost my mom unexpectedly a couple of years ago - COVID was a contributing factor.

Grief (and grieving) is a process and it cannot be cheated. You’re going to go through a whole mess of stuff.

It’s all ok. Let it all happen.

Be gentle with yourself in this time and allow yourself to feel everything; even the stuff that surprises you.

Do you have siblings or other family to share the burden with? They can be a great source of comfort in these times.
 
I'm so sorry to hear and my condolences. I can't imagine how you are feeling.

My wife lost her mother to interstitial lung disease two and a half years ago and it was a rough time (her mother was 75, wife was 37). My friend lost his wife when she was 39 to leukemia, also rough.

Just know we are all here to help out and you need to talk to any of us don't hesitate to ask. I have a long commute Th-Su from 1330-1530L EST so feel free to shoutout even if it's just to talk about random things.
 
Bandit_Driver said:
My condolences on your loss. I lost my dad a few years ago to cancer. Everyone handles loss and grieving process differently and there is no once answer. You need to do you and focus on you and your family. If you need to talk please talk to whoever you are comfortable talking with. Family, friends, clergy, or our inboxes...

I was off of work for about a month before my dad passed and took about 3 weeks after he passed off as well, just to process everything, and deal with my mom adjusting to be alone now. I didn't go back until I felt I focus 100% on flying the aircraft. My chief pilots were awesome with FMLA and also buying trips off me.
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Sorry for your loss as well. I appreciate you sharing your experience. Thankfully I’m in the same position with my company being very accommodating.

When it first happens it seems hard to see how you can overcome this but it’s been a month now and although in the context of what happened a month is nothing, I think like you I am getting to a point where at least return to work. Thanks again.
 
Oxman said:
Sorry to hear this.

I'm right there with you. I lost my mother to cancer with a 2 week notice. She had a stroke, that exposed stage 4 stomach cancer. She went right to hospice. It was a hit I wasn't ready or prepared for. But the first thing you do is go to therapy for a lost one. It's completely normal and the FAA expects and accepts it. If you don't and choose to hold things in, it will get worse.

The route back to flying is something that you will feel ready to do. Going to therapy will open the pressure valve for you and you'll fell better faster. But the sense of loss becomes a new weight that gets a little lighter over time. It will happen. Just remember there will be a lot of "first's without mom" coming. First Christmas, birthday, family reunions, etc. Knowing this will get you prepared to get through it.

Get in touch if you need to.
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Thanks. I’m very sorry for your loss. In my case, my mom had been sick for 3 years with a cancer that was supposedly manageable over a longer period. So despite slowly working to accept that this would happen eventually, her passing was sudden and I was not ready for how fast it happened. In your case you didn’t even know your mom was sick until shortly before she passed, so I can only imagine how difficult that was. I think no matter how much we think we can prepare for this, we’re never really ready.

As for therapy, I’ll PM you.
 
Brian,

Just seeing this. We've talked about your mom and her condition not too long ago. Sorry to hear that she lost her fight. How're you and your family doing with her loss? Cancer sucks.
 
Though I'm a bit late to these condolences, losing a parent (especially if you were close) is tough. My Dad passed away suddenly (wasn't sick, died from an aortic dissection) 5 years ago. At the very least, the only plus to the awful lingering of cancer is that it allowed you a proper goodbye, some of us didn't even get that. They basically put my Dad's insides back together enough for us to say goodbye before pulling the plug on him. But also, I had my Dad for 42 years of my life, some folks didn't get that much time either. It was one of those 2am phone calls you don't want and at least I was at home and not on a trip.

You never truly get over it. My Dad gave me my love of things with wings and wheels and was an A&P for USAirways for 37 years until he retired. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, especially now that I am at AA. You do the best you can and it took me at least a week longer than company allowed bereavement to get into work mindset again. Why the Feds don't allow for proper therapy in these situations is baffling.

But you remember the good times, the lessons they taught you (good and bad) and do the best you can. This isn't supposed to be easy. My condolences on your loss.
 
Max Power said:
Though I'm a bit late to these condolences, losing a parent (especially if you were close) is tough. My Dad passed away suddenly (wasn't sick, died from an aortic dissection) 5 years ago. At the very least, the only plus to the awful lingering of cancer is that it allowed you a proper goodbye, some of us didn't even get that. They basically put my Dad's insides back together enough for us to say goodbye before pulling the plug on him. But also, I had my Dad for 42 years of my life, some folks didn't get that much time either. It was one of those 2am phone calls you don't want and at least I was at home and not on a trip.

You never truly get over it. My Dad gave me my love of things with wings and wheels and was an A&P for USAirways for 37 years until he retired. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, especially now that I am at AA. You do the best you can and it took me at least a week longer than company allowed bereavement to get into work mindset again. Why the Feds don't allow for proper therapy in these situations is baffling.

But you remember the good times, the lessons they taught you (good and bad) and do the best you can. This isn't supposed to be easy. My condolences on your loss.
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Sorry for your loss as well. It sounds like your dad left a great legacy for you. It hasn't been that long for me but I agree that your last sentence encapsulates the feeling that stays after the initial shock. Even then the stronger feelings can sneak up on your when you least expect it. It humbles you very quickly in thinking that you've healed more than you actually have.
 
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