Hey guys. Lost my mom a few days ago to cancer after a very stressful couple of years. She was only 53. I was wondering if anyone has any insight on dealing with it and how do you determine when you’re ready to get back to flying? It will obviously take a long time to feel any sort of normalcy again so how do you even know when to go back?
Dealing with losing mom
- Thread starter BCTAv8r
- Start date
Screaming_Emu
Joe Conventional
Thankfully (selfishly) I have nothing to offer other than condolences. I know I’m just a stranger dude on the internet, but if you ever need to talk, get in touch.
I’m sorry, Brian. Losing a parent isn’t easy at all. Take some time off, you’ll know when you’re ready to start flying again.
I will admit that it’s something you have to actively work on for a while. When I lost my dad back in 1998, I was a trainwreck of self-doubt, sorrow and guilt because I had focused so hard on getting ahead and made some moronic choices when I didn’t accept that he was in his last few days and I’ve never lived it down.
I’m not religious at all, but I know he’s with me sometimes and it helps.
Talk it out, like this, with friends who have also had loss as everyone has a little something that you can use to cope and heal. Maybe even talking it out with a counselor (betterhelp.com?) if you feel you’re not getting what you feel you need from those in your circle. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I wish I had those tools decades ago.
Your mom lives on, I remember when you first joined the website and how close you two were, especially imagining someone my own age had produced an intelligent, curious and driven son like you. She did a great job and you must continue to celebrate her.
I’ll shoot you my digits in PM if you don’t already have them if you need to chat.
Thanks, Doug. I appreciate the kind words and advice. With time I suppose it'll work itself out.
Bandit_Driver
Gold Member
My condolences on your loss. I lost my dad a few years ago to cancer. Everyone handles loss and grieving process differently and there is no once answer. You need to do you and focus on you and your family. If you need to talk please talk to whoever you are comfortable talking with. Family, friends, clergy, or our inboxes...
I was off of work for about a month before my dad passed and took about 3 weeks after he passed off as well, just to process everything, and deal with my mom adjusting to be alone now. I didn't go back until I felt I focus 100% on flying the aircraft. My chief pilots were awesome with FMLA and also buying trips off me.
I was off of work for about a month before my dad passed and took about 3 weeks after he passed off as well, just to process everything, and deal with my mom adjusting to be alone now. I didn't go back until I felt I focus 100% on flying the aircraft. My chief pilots were awesome with FMLA and also buying trips off me.
Oxman
Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear this.
I'm right there with you. I lost my mother to cancer with a 2 week notice. She had a stroke, that exposed stage 4 stomach cancer. She went right to hospice. It was a hit I wasn't ready or prepared for. But the first thing you do is go to therapy for a lost one. It's completely normal and the FAA expects and accepts it. If you don't and choose to hold things in, it will get worse.
The route back to flying is something that you will feel ready to do. Going to therapy will open the pressure valve for you and you'll fell better faster. But the sense of loss becomes a new weight that gets a little lighter over time. It will happen. Just remember there will be a lot of "first's without mom" coming. First Christmas, birthday, family reunions, etc. Knowing this will get you prepared to get through it.
Get in touch if you need to.
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killbilly
Vocals, Lyrics, Triangle, Washboard, Kittens
I lost my mom unexpectedly a couple of years ago - COVID was a contributing factor.
Grief (and grieving) is a process and it cannot be cheated. You’re going to go through a whole mess of stuff.
It’s all ok. Let it all happen.
Be gentle with yourself in this time and allow yourself to feel everything; even the stuff that surprises you.
Do you have siblings or other family to share the burden with? They can be a great source of comfort in these times.
Grief (and grieving) is a process and it cannot be cheated. You’re going to go through a whole mess of stuff.
It’s all ok. Let it all happen.
Be gentle with yourself in this time and allow yourself to feel everything; even the stuff that surprises you.
Do you have siblings or other family to share the burden with? They can be a great source of comfort in these times.
GroundPilot
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry to hear and my condolences. I can't imagine how you are feeling.
My wife lost her mother to interstitial lung disease two and a half years ago and it was a rough time (her mother was 75, wife was 37). My friend lost his wife when she was 39 to leukemia, also rough.
Just know we are all here to help out and you need to talk to any of us don't hesitate to ask. I have a long commute Th-Su from 1330-1530L EST so feel free to shoutout even if it's just to talk about random things.
My wife lost her mother to interstitial lung disease two and a half years ago and it was a rough time (her mother was 75, wife was 37). My friend lost his wife when she was 39 to leukemia, also rough.
Just know we are all here to help out and you need to talk to any of us don't hesitate to ask. I have a long commute Th-Su from 1330-1530L EST so feel free to shoutout even if it's just to talk about random things.
Sorry for your loss as well. I appreciate you sharing your experience. Thankfully I’m in the same position with my company being very accommodating.
When it first happens it seems hard to see how you can overcome this but it’s been a month now and although in the context of what happened a month is nothing, I think like you I am getting to a point where at least return to work. Thanks again.
Thanks. I’m very sorry for your loss. In my case, my mom had been sick for 3 years with a cancer that was supposedly manageable over a longer period. So despite slowly working to accept that this would happen eventually, her passing was sudden and I was not ready for how fast it happened. In your case you didn’t even know your mom was sick until shortly before she passed, so I can only imagine how difficult that was. I think no matter how much we think we can prepare for this, we’re never really ready.
As for therapy, I’ll PM you.
Maximilian_Jenius
Super User
Brian,
Just seeing this. We've talked about your mom and her condition not too long ago. Sorry to hear that she lost her fight. How're you and your family doing with her loss? Cancer sucks.
Just seeing this. We've talked about your mom and her condition not too long ago. Sorry to hear that she lost her fight. How're you and your family doing with her loss? Cancer sucks.
Max Power
Well-Known Member
Though I'm a bit late to these condolences, losing a parent (especially if you were close) is tough. My Dad passed away suddenly (wasn't sick, died from an aortic dissection) 5 years ago. At the very least, the only plus to the awful lingering of cancer is that it allowed you a proper goodbye, some of us didn't even get that. They basically put my Dad's insides back together enough for us to say goodbye before pulling the plug on him. But also, I had my Dad for 42 years of my life, some folks didn't get that much time either. It was one of those 2am phone calls you don't want and at least I was at home and not on a trip.
You never truly get over it. My Dad gave me my love of things with wings and wheels and was an A&P for USAirways for 37 years until he retired. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, especially now that I am at AA. You do the best you can and it took me at least a week longer than company allowed bereavement to get into work mindset again. Why the Feds don't allow for proper therapy in these situations is baffling.
But you remember the good times, the lessons they taught you (good and bad) and do the best you can. This isn't supposed to be easy. My condolences on your loss.
You never truly get over it. My Dad gave me my love of things with wings and wheels and was an A&P for USAirways for 37 years until he retired. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, especially now that I am at AA. You do the best you can and it took me at least a week longer than company allowed bereavement to get into work mindset again. Why the Feds don't allow for proper therapy in these situations is baffling.
But you remember the good times, the lessons they taught you (good and bad) and do the best you can. This isn't supposed to be easy. My condolences on your loss.
Sorry for your loss as well. It sounds like your dad left a great legacy for you. It hasn't been that long for me but I agree that your last sentence encapsulates the feeling that stays after the initial shock. Even then the stronger feelings can sneak up on your when you least expect it. It humbles you very quickly in thinking that you've healed more than you actually have.
WacoFan
Bigly
Just saw this. There is no specific answer to this as everyone is different. And it isn't even the same between a mom and a dad, or grandparent, or child, or anything else. Each moment of grief seems to be individual specific to both the deceased and the survivor. What I have found, and it is awesome and might be what @derg is referring to above about his dad being "with him" - at some point the acute pain stops. The acute pain fades to numbness and eventually morphs into hearing a song, or being in a situation, or thinking or reading about something and you hear them saying something from your past that you'd long forgotten but is stored in my internal memory chip (what humans call brains). You likely had long forgotten whatever it is being said, but something triggers the memory, and you really do "feel" their presence. Lest you think this is weird, I experienced audiometric memory after my cochlear implants to learn how to interpret the strange electrical jolts along my auditory nerve as "Sound" and then "specific voices" and eventually "music". The audio memory of "The Rolling Stones" or "Maggie's voice" or "Wife craw crawing like a vulture that wants you to die and eat your remains" comes through - and it is your memory of what those words were that make the devices so successful. I am now convinced that the same process occurs with grieving a loved one. Neuroplasticity is an amazing thing that I am now convinced also applies to the grieving process. The peace will come but everyone has a different timetable. Peace man.
///AMG
Well-Known Member
I'm really sorry to hear this. I don't have advice, but maybe in a few months you can give me yours. My dad, nearing the end of his 88th year, came down with an upset/full stomach a few weeks ago. A couple scans later, and they found a mass on his pancreas. Biopsy showed it to be malignant. Has spread at least to other parts of his body. They haven't used the term officially, but I believe it is probably stage 4. Can't surgically remove, and he isn't a candidate for chemo at his age. Pretty wild couple weeks, going from the old guy dad who just kept on trucking with an inexplicable lack of health problems, to suddenly being probably gone before his next birthday. I'm sorry for your loss.
Find small ways to celebrate your parent.
I’m in S. Korea at the moment and my father was drafted to go fight in the Korea War when it was ‘hot’. He found the Korean people more welcoming than his own fellow countrymen back at home since he was from the “Jim Crow” south.
So whenever I come here, I try to get deep into the culture where the regular people are and just imagine my father’s experiences of going from basically an Alabama hillbilly to being in Korea and experiencing “Yes, you can walk with dignity, head held high”.
Seoul is my strange connection to my fathers spirit.
“Jim Crow” is hyperlinked because it’s an era in American history which we either do not, or depending on the state, disallowed from discussing.
I’m in S. Korea at the moment and my father was drafted to go fight in the Korea War when it was ‘hot’. He found the Korean people more welcoming than his own fellow countrymen back at home since he was from the “Jim Crow” south.
So whenever I come here, I try to get deep into the culture where the regular people are and just imagine my father’s experiences of going from basically an Alabama hillbilly to being in Korea and experiencing “Yes, you can walk with dignity, head held high”.
Seoul is my strange connection to my fathers spirit.
“Jim Crow” is hyperlinked because it’s an era in American history which we either do not, or depending on the state, disallowed from discussing.
It sucks how these things just sneak up on you and before you know it you're having to learn about and deal with things you hoped you'd never have to. I'm very sorry to hear that. Not that it makes it any easier but that's great that your dad has been active and healthy for such a long time. We can all only hope to be so fortunate to reach that position. I hope you guys have the time to make many memories together still.
WacoFan
Bigly
It is not comforting now, but that is similar to how it went with my grandpa. No problems until pancreatic cancer. The comforting part (now) is that he was really active and healthy until his cancer appeared and it was blessedly fast. Enjoy what time you have to the extent you can. I'm really sorry to hear this.