RightSeatGirl
KA'PLAH BITCHES!
What most airline pilots say to themselves when they shut down the engines at a gate after an incident free leg: " Well, nothing happened this leg that requires paperwork...guess I get to keep my job!"
Aviation Quotes
- Thread starter fisher37
- Start date
Air Pirate
Well-Known Member
When I'm flying with a student (especially instrument students) and they have any "free" time, all I have to do is ask, "What is Tom's quote?"
Their answer [as they smile and roll their eyes]: "What could I be doing right now?"
Haha. My response: "That's a very good question."
Their answer [as they smile and roll their eyes]: "What could I be doing right now?"
Haha. My response: "That's a very good question."
Number1atNumber2
Tries to keep it fun.
You can succeed or you can learn.
fisher37
Well-Known Member
speaking of that one....one of my instructors told us this one every day...
"keep the clean side up and the greasy side down, have a good one!"
Soul Brotha'
Off to go do Black guy stuff
"To be an airline pilot you have to be one of the following: An alcoholic, a womanizer or a great B.S artist."
Polar742
All the responsibility none of the authority
Never heard that one before, but it's so true. And the newer the model, the crappier the handle. First bag, 5 years. Second bag, about 3 months.
Our groundschool instructor (old school FE, old salt, guy that wrote all the manuals for the airline when it started in 3 months) in reference to the 747 classic:
jml2992
Pigeon Mutilator
A couple of my favorites:
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you."
"Maintain Thy airspeed, lest the ground come from beneath and smite thee." (Yes, before anybody says anything...it's angle of attack that really matters. Now...stop.)
and a couple of my favorite jokes:
How do you seperate two drunks from a nymphmaniac?
A cockpit door. - I realize not PC but still funny.
What is the difference between a jet engine and a pilot?
The engine stops whining when it gets to the gate.
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you."
"Maintain Thy airspeed, lest the ground come from beneath and smite thee." (Yes, before anybody says anything...it's angle of attack that really matters. Now...stop.)
and a couple of my favorite jokes:
How do you seperate two drunks from a nymphmaniac?
A cockpit door. - I realize not PC but still funny.
What is the difference between a jet engine and a pilot?
The engine stops whining when it gets to the gate.
ASpilot2be
Qbicle seat warmer
Boris Badenov
This is no laughing matter.
Some good, funny quotes. But mine would be something an old airline pilot once said to me, which was essentially (not verbatim) "Those who define themselves in relation to airplanes or flying are the ones you don't want to be stuck at CDG with for a 36 hour layover". Planes are cool, yes. I'm a nerd too. But witty quips aside, they're not going to make your life interesting or fulfilling, no matter how big they are or how much you get paid to fly them.
ppragman
FLIPY FLAPS!
Jesus dude, I swear I agree with you on everything, it freaks me out sometimes.
But seriously, in regards to the post, its a hard thing to learn, and its taken me over a year of flying for a living to learn that all of the guys whose lives solely revolve around flying are boring as hell, and seem to be miserable. The guys who are more well rounded, tend to have more stories than just "this one time at <insert bankrupt airline> when I was flying the <insert airplane here>, and I was on the <insert approach here> , into <insert airport here>, <insert anecdote about wx,mx,or pax> happened." To enjoy this industry we have to be nerds, but really, there's a lot more to life than airplanes.
PGT
Well-Known Member
ATC RET 2003
No More Vectors
"Birds Fly. Men Drink."
- motto of The Man Will Never Fly Memorial Society
- motto of The Man Will Never Fly Memorial Society
veeter1531
Well-Known Member
"Make sure to practice as many takeoffs as you do landings." -some old guy said it to me at church the other day.
Firebird2XC
Well-Known Member
"Try not to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at once."
My Dad told me that one. I doubt he's the originator though.
My Dad told me that one. I doubt he's the originator though.
Firebird2XC
Well-Known Member
Here's one, fresh from the crew room:
Recently there was a gag floating around the airline here that a passenger wasn't happy with the size of an ERJ.
"Look at this thing! It's so tiny! It's so small!"
The story goes that the flight attendant, without missing a beat, stood there with her hands of her hips and quipped,
"You know sir, if I said that to YOU I'd get SLAPPED."
-----------------------------------------------------
And a few other gems I found-
1. Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember - nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Recently there was a gag floating around the airline here that a passenger wasn't happy with the size of an ERJ.
"Look at this thing! It's so tiny! It's so small!"
The story goes that the flight attendant, without missing a beat, stood there with her hands of her hips and quipped,
"You know sir, if I said that to YOU I'd get SLAPPED."
-----------------------------------------------------
And a few other gems I found-
1. Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember - nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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