Threw my husband out. (long, read at your own risk)

Krystal said:
Yah... dont get married!
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Aw, it's not marriage that's the problem. You did the same thing I did, it sounds like...ended up with a couple of guys who seemed great at first, but who you later discovered expected you to fill a certain kind of traditional wife role. You'll probably be a better judge, now, and see the signs of someone who wants a "wife" vs. someone who wants YOU.
 
Bud01 said:
if your avatar is really you. you will have no problem finding another guy. Just stay away from us pilots we are bad news.
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I have long thought this very thing!!
Guess I'm not "gutsy" enough to be the first off the block; nice move, Bud.
 
Krystal said:
No, I have not had an onslaught of date requests filling my inbox and I appreciate that. It really shows the class and professionalism of the members on this forum. I only wish that my "real life" male friends had the same tact. To those who have implied that I came here to use JC as a "dating tool," (You know who you are) I strongly urge you to book an appointment with your AME. You are in dire need of a psych evaluation if you honestly think I'm ready for a new relationship. :)
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My date with the AME is in just a couple weeks, thank you very much!
 
SeatClutcher said:
Aw, it's not marriage that's the problem. You did the same thing I did, it sounds like...ended up with a couple of guys who seemed great at first, but who you later discovered expected you to fill a certain kind of traditional wife role. You'll probably be a better judge, now, and see the signs of someone who wants a "wife" vs. someone who wants YOU.
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(Uh oh, you got me going)

Thats the thing...he didn't WANT a traditional "Wife" He also didnt want to be a traditional (as traditional as you could be with our lives) husband. He liked the sound of "marriage" but he told me, quite blatantly, that he would not make ANY compromise on his life. None. He liked calling me his wife but he didnt like me "acting" like a wife. He even refused to see or call our marriage vows as "vows" because that "implied that we were making an unbreakable promise to give up our individual freedom" or something like that.

Unfortunately, its a product of his raising. He came from an environment where women saw men as a problem that needed correcting...a mom who emmasculated all the men in her life. At the same time. His dad raised him to believe that women were nothing but conspiring bizzitches who's one and only goal in life is to see how much they can screw men over. (yes, they divorced when he was child) He didnt come from a home where mom and dad showed affection and mutual respect or worked together to settle disagreements.. Just alot of finger pointing and "He's wrong, she's wrong."

Thats where he got the idea that women werent "worth" an engagement ring. ("You just want an expensive peice of jewelry to show off to your friends and spend my money, so you have something to pawn as soon as you decide you're through with me") I wore a plain wedding band. I never complained but it made me sad to think that he thought I wasnt worth something more.

I could go on but will refrain at the risk of getting seriously long winded. Forgive me for getting all soap opera on ya'll but Its been the week from Hades and it just keeps getting worse. I just need to push some buttons and make some airplanes go...then I'll feel better.
 
Krystal said:
(Uh oh, you got me going)

Thats the thing...he didn't WANT a traditional "Wife" He also didnt want to be a traditional (as traditional as you could be with our lives) husband. He liked the sound of "marriage" but he told me, quite blatantly, that he would not make ANY compromise on his life. None. He liked calling me his wife but he didnt like me "acting" like a wife. He even refused to see or call our marriage vows as "vows" because that "implied that we were making an unbreakable promise to give up our individual freedom" or something like that.

Unfortunately, its a product of his raising. He came from an environment where women saw men as a problem that needed correcting...a mom who emmasculated all the men in her life. At the same time. His dad raised him to believe that women were nothing but conspiring bizzitches who's one and only goal in life is to see how much they can screw men over. (yes, they divorced when he was child) He didnt come from a home where mom and dad showed affection and mutual respect or worked together to settle disagreements.. Just alot of finger pointing and "He's wrong, she's wrong."

Thats where he got the idea that women werent "worth" an engagement ring. ("You just want an expensive peice of jewelry to show off to your friends and spend my money, so you have something to pawn as soon as you decide you're through with me") I wore a plain wedding band. I never complained but it made me sad to think that he thought I wasnt worth something more.

I could go on but will refrain at the risk of getting seriously long winded. Forgive me for getting all soap opera on ya'll but Its been the week from Hades and it just keeps getting worse. I just need to push some buttons and make some airplanes go...then I'll feel better.
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Knowing all of this........why did you marry the guy? Obviously with the engagement ring situation, you had knowledge of what was what, pre-marriage.

It's not all his fault if you knew all of the issues with the lemon of a car, so to speak, but chose to buy it anyway.

One thing this whole thread is lacking, is you taking any reponsibility for any decisions or actions on your end? Rarely are things 100% the fault of one person.....
 
MikeD said:
Knowing all of this........why did you marry the guy? Obviously with the engagement ring situation, you had knowledge of what was what, pre-marriage.

It's not all his fault if you knew all of the issues with the lemon of a car, so to speak, but chose to buy it anyway.

One thing this whole thread is lacking, is you taking any reponsibility for any decisions or actions on your end? Rarely are things 100% the fault of one person.....
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Alot of his attitude didnt come out until AFTER we were married.

I never said that things were 100% his fault. Ive been trying to refrain from letting too many of the details come out but if you really want a blow by blow, PM me. You definately sound like you are NOT happy about this thread so I have to ask, if you dont like it, why read it?
 
Krystal said:
Alot of his attitude didnt come out until AFTER we were married.

I never said that things were 100% his fault. Ive been trying to refrain from letting too many of the details come out but if you really want a blow by blow, PM me. You definately sound like you are NOT happy about this thread so I have to ask, if you dont like it, why read it?
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Im just trying to keep things real; plus being admin here, I read most threads.....even soap opera ones like this one. :)

No need for a blow by blow, but oftentimes people don't learn from situations such as these because they never understand what things they may have done wrong or failed to see, or whatever. When I asked that last, your answer was "don't get married", which Im sure was in jest; but hopefully there are some real life lessons about people and dealing with people that you have taken away from this. You had to have learned some things from this whole situation, if only not to make the same mistakes twice.

You could claim "after the fact" and "after marriage" that many things came out, which is probably true. But even from what you've already written, there are some large indicators there that you don't seem to acknowledge having missed.

Then again, if accolades and ex-bashing is all you are looking for from this thread, then I guess there's that too. But you seemed to indicate you were looking for more.
 
MikeD said:
. You had to have learned some things from this whole situation, if only not to make the same mistakes twice.
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Please dont assume that I made the same mistakes the second time around. I divorced my first husband for completely different reasons. Hubby 1.0 wasnt a bad husband. He wasnt a bad anything. But I married him for the wrong reasons (no, not money) In the end we realized that neither one of us was truly happy. Soon we were fighting for little or no reason and we didnt want our children raised in an environment like that. Our decision to divorce was a mutual decision and we did it as friends. Our marriage was one based on mutual respect, caring, understanding, forgiveness, and even love. It was just not the right kind of love. It was a completely different demon this time.
 
Krystal said:
Alot of his attitude didnt come out until AFTER we were married.

I never said that things were 100% his fault. Ive been trying to refrain from letting too many of the details come out but if you really want a blow by blow, PM me. You definately sound like you are NOT happy about this thread so I have to ask, if you dont like it, why read it?
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It's fun at times watching or in this case, reading about a train wreck :) Especially when people air their dirty laundry/personal life on the internet for all to see!!
 
Bud01 said:
thanks. you just gotta learn to leap. you never know where it may take you.
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Clearly youve never seen me bungee jump. It more like "bungee pushed"...or actually its more like "bungee-foot-in-the-back-pry-fingers-off-the-railing-shove"
 
Krystal said:
Please dont assume that I made the same mistakes the second time around. I divorced my first husband for completely different reasons. Hubby 1.0 wasnt a bad husband. He wasnt a bad anything. But I married him for the wrong reasons (no, not money) In the end we realized that neither one of us was truly happy. Soon we were fighting for little or no reason and we didnt want our children raised in an environment like that. Our decision to divorce was a mutual decision and we did it as friends. Our marriage was one based on mutual respect, caring, understanding, forgiveness, and even love. It was just not the right kind of love. It was a completely different demon this time.
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Trust me, Im not assuming anything. To set the stage here, you wrote this below:

Krystal said:
So I came here seeking advice from a more neutral perspective...people who work in aviation but dont know me or my husband.
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......which is fine and great. All Im trying to do is keep that neutral perspective. I don't know you or your husband (ex?). And there is already alot written here regarding what was wrong on his end, which I don't discount. All Im doing (or trying to do) is try to provide the look to the other direction....your direction. Since every relationship is a learning environment, whether they go right or wrong. So believe me when I say Im not assuming anything, right or wrong; Im just throwing out those "food for thought" ideas that you may or may not already realize. Why? Because Ive been in the same boat. And Ive repeated mistakes that I should've realized the first time around (not saying you have....just saying that I did, for sake of discussion here). So in order to be the neutral party you are seeking, thats why Im trying to bring the other side to light, if only so it doesn't "fall through the cracks" in the heat of pointing out the ex's problems/issues. No judgements being made....just retrospectives.

Regarding the top quote of this post that you wrote, believe me, I can relate. Marrying for the wrong reasons, then trying to "make things work", oftentimes fails more than it succeeds. Especially those that try to make things work for "sake of the kids", kids usually see through that; and in my general opinion, it can do worse for them for two parents who have alot of negativity between them to stay together, than for the same two parents to split. Obviously case by case, yes, but I think you know where Im coming from.

My overall point being that I learned alot of errors I made from my failed marriage, even though there were errors and fault with the other party too. I wasn't asking you to "list" anything, just asking (from the neutral standpoint) if in retrospect.....or even maybe in more time....that hopefully you will be able to see any errors on your end, whether intentional or unintentional, that were made in this last relationship that you can hopefully learn from, as I said if only so you don't repeat them next time and/or can make yourself a better person for yourself with those realization(s).
 
Krystal said:
(Uh oh, you got me going)

Thats the thing...he didn't WANT a traditional "Wife" He also didnt want to be a traditional (as traditional as you could be with our lives) husband. He liked the sound of "marriage" but he told me, quite blatantly, that he would not make ANY compromise on his life. None. He liked calling me his wife but he didnt like me "acting" like a wife. He even refused to see or call our marriage vows as "vows" because that "implied that we were making an unbreakable promise to give up our individual freedom" or something like that.

Unfortunately, its a product of his raising. He came from an environment where women saw men as a problem that needed correcting...a mom who emmasculated all the men in her life. At the same time. His dad raised him to believe that women were nothing but conspiring bizzitches who's one and only goal in life is to see how much they can screw men over. (yes, they divorced when he was child) He didnt come from a home where mom and dad showed affection and mutual respect or worked together to settle disagreements.. Just alot of finger pointing and "He's wrong, she's wrong."

Thats where he got the idea that women werent "worth" an engagement ring. ("You just want an expensive peice of jewelry to show off to your friends and spend my money, so you have something to pawn as soon as you decide you're through with me") I wore a plain wedding band. I never complained but it made me sad to think that he thought I wasnt worth something more.

I could go on but will refrain at the risk of getting seriously long winded. Forgive me for getting all soap opera on ya'll but Its been the week from Hades and it just keeps getting worse. I just need to push some buttons and make some airplanes go...then I'll feel better.
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Ohh! I get ya.

To this, though:

Thats where he got the idea that women werent "worth" an engagement ring. ("You just want an expensive peice of jewelry to show off to your friends and spend my money, so you have something to pawn as soon as you decide you're through with me") I wore a plain wedding band. I never complained but it made me sad to think that he thought I wasnt worth something more.
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I'm guessing you understand it wasn't a matter of "worth" (his explanation and your phraseology make me think you two are making different use of the word "worth"). No one is "worth" or "not worth" the cost of an engagement ring - and some people just don't believe in it. But yeah, if he weren't as insecure as his parents seem to have made him about relationships, he might have had a different perspective not on the ring, but on you and your commitment to him.
 
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