Unscientific survey for an article I'm writing: Kids - why?

I have always wanted kids - just seemed like a stage in life, like going to college after high school. Having a kid is the most amazing thing. When I come home in the morning, a little 16 month old smiling at you, waving and saying hi is the best thing ever.
 
I_Money said:
I have always wanted kids - just seemed like a stage in life, like going to college after high school. Having a kid is the most amazing thing. When I come home in the morning, a little 16 month old smiling at you, waving and saying hi is the best thing ever.
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And then 12 years later: "Hey, I'm talking to you! I'm going to take that cell phone away! You're not wearing that out!" :)
 
I was actually scared to have kids. Not because I was afraid of kids themselves but rather I was fearful as to whether I could provide for them (spritually, emotionally, physically, etc) . I had an physically abusive, drunkard father and a mother that was more concerned with what her family (mother, aunts, uncles, etc) thought than raising her kids. Also, my father was twice divorced; mother, thrice; oldest sister thrice, other sister thrice. I feared that my family history would be my future and I did NOT want the same for my (potential) kids. I was fearful but wanted to accept the challenge of doing better. I started late in life because it took me a LONG time to find the right woman.....

After a couple of years of marriage, I came home from work one day and my wife said, "Hey, guess what?". Trying to be funny, I replied, "You're pregnant." She looked disappointed and said, "How did you know?" So much for my sense of humor......

I agree with the above post: You don't know what kind of parent you'll be until you have kids. They are truely a gift from God and I am amazed everyday by thier thought process, sense of humor, and antics. If I knew how much fun, laughter, pain, misery, and worry they would bring (all at the same time, mind you), I would have had kids a lot sooner.......;)
 
I_Money said:
I have always wanted kids - just seemed like a stage in life, like going to college after high school. Having a kid is the most amazing thing. When I come home in the morning, a little 16 month old smiling at you, waving and saying hi is the best thing ever.
Click to expand...

My 14 month old hears the garage door open and goes and waits at the top of the steps at the gate. I always slowly sneak up and peak around the corner to his enormous smile. I then launch up the steps to grab him as he laughs hysterically and tries to run away before I tickle the crap outta him(no pun intended ;)) There is nothing like it in the world and there is no way to possibly explain the feeling.
 
For anyone who wants to answer, before having kids, how much time did you give to considering and weighing the following:
1. Financial cost
2. What would happen in the case of a divorce
3. The possibility that the baby might not be physically or mentally healthy when born and would require constant care (and how that would affect not just the parents, but the quality of life of the child)
4. How your own schedule and priorities would change
5. Who would work, who would stay home, and what would happen if the plan changed when one of the parents wanted to do something different
6. The expectations of each marital partner (romantic, sexual, normal attention) post-baby and how to handle the shift that would come when attention and energy diverted to the child
7. How to handle a child that wasn't what you expected (emotional trouble, psychological problems, or simply a kid you don't like very much - there's a confession by a mother on a parenting website that says she loves her son, but she just doesn't like him very much)
 
SeatClutcher said:
For anyone who wants to answer, before having kids, how much time did you give to considering and weighing the following:
1. Financial cost
2. What would happen in the case of a divorce
3. The possibility that the baby might not be physically or mentally healthy when born and would require constant care (and how that would affect not just the parents, but the quality of life of the child)
4. How your own schedule and priorities would change
5. Who would work, who would stay home, and what would happen if the plan changed when one of the parents wanted to do something different
6. The expectations of each marital partner (romantic, sexual, normal attention) post-baby and how to handle the shift that would come when attention and energy diverted to the child
7. How to handle a child that wasn't what you expected (emotional trouble, psychological problems, or simply a kid you don't like very much - there's a confession by a mother on a parenting website that says she loves her son, but she just doesn't like him very much)
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The only real consideration I gave to those factors was that none of them would work out like I planned. But, since you asked here is how things have worked out so far.

1. The monthly expenses are not as much as most people assume. However the career progression handicap has been a serious burden. I have passed up a great many job opportunities because of the impact that it would have on my family life.

2. The impact that a divorce would have on my kids was what kept me from walking out the door on a few ocasions.

3. All kids have been healthy so far, but I have worked with mentally disabled kids for many years and parents find a way to handle it.

4. Your life is no longer your own, all plans and schedules need to be kept VERY flexible. It's late and I need to make a grocery run, but the kids are already asleep. Guess I'll wait till tomorrow.

5. My wife and I talked about this before we got engaged.

6. You just deal with it. It's hard to stay "in the mood" when you hear kids running around outside your door, but it can be done.

7. I love all my kids, but I have a lot more in common with my oldest son. I adore my daughter, but she absolutely drives me up the wall with her drama. Loving and liking your kids are two related, but separate emotions.
 
Ian J said:
Holy moly that's frightening.
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Having long term obligations has kept me from making an occasional bone headed impulsive decision. Once I cooled down, I realized that whatever I was so mad about really wasn't as important as my marriage with or without kids.

Now that I have to look out for my children's best interest, there are many decisions that I will make differently, than I would have when I didn't have kids.
 
SeatClutcher said:
For anyone who wants to answer, before having kids, how much time did you give to considering and weighing the following:
1. Financial cost
2. What would happen in the case of a divorce
3. The possibility that the baby might not be physically or mentally healthy when born and would require constant care (and how that would affect not just the parents, but the quality of life of the child)
4. How your own schedule and priorities would change
5. Who would work, who would stay home, and what would happen if the plan changed when one of the parents wanted to do something different
6. The expectations of each marital partner (romantic, sexual, normal attention) post-baby and how to handle the shift that would come when attention and energy diverted to the child
7. How to handle a child that wasn't what you expected (emotional trouble, psychological problems, or simply a kid you don't like very much - there's a confession by a mother on a parenting website that says she loves her son, but she just doesn't like him very much)
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We've considered all (except the divorce part as we don't have any plans to divorce and will cross that bridge if it comes). We've waited until we would old enough to be established in jobs and have a house (and planning on getting a second larger home soon). We are willing to accept any child we get (especially after having lost Taylor at 27 weeks and then having a miscarriage after). We haven't maybe discussed changes in our relationship, but plan on taking time for ourselves when our baby does arrive. When I first got pregnant with Taylor there was no doubt she would go to daycare and I would return to work, now I'm not so sure and may stay home if we can manage it.
 
I think the idea of having children and the responsibility that entails simply scares me, especially since I am sometimes prone to anxiety. Also, in an odd sort of way, it seems unfair to the female in the relationship as they have to bear the brunt of the endeavor in carrying the child and deal with all of the associated biological unpleasantness AND give birth.
 
Plus, humanity can't provide for a good half of its population, so why should I contribute to that? Now, when we start to colonize the stars, everybody should start cranking out kids left and right so we can conquer the galaxy. :D
 
scramjet said:
I think the idea of having children and the responsibility that entails simply scares me, especially since I am sometimes prone to anxiety. Also, in an odd sort of way, it seems unfair to the female in the relationship as they have to bear the brunt of the endeavor in carrying the child and deal with all of the associated biological unpleasantness AND give birth.
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After having gone through it once I can say it's not ALL that bad. I think labor is WAY easier than it's normally made out to sound. I've had toothaches that were 10X worse than the worst of my labor pain.
 
It's a little different at 40 weeks than at 26 weeks.

And yes, it is [or at least can be] that bad.
 
SeatClutcher said:
For anyone who wants to answer, before having kids, how much time did you give to considering and weighing the following:
1. Financial cost
2. What would happen in the case of a divorce
3. The possibility that the baby might not be physically or mentally healthy when born and would require constant care (and how that would affect not just the parents, but the quality of life of the child)
4. How your own schedule and priorities would change
5. Who would work, who would stay home, and what would happen if the plan changed when one of the parents wanted to do something different
6. The expectations of each marital partner (romantic, sexual, normal attention) post-baby and how to handle the shift that would come when attention and energy diverted to the child
7. How to handle a child that wasn't what you expected (emotional trouble, psychological problems, or simply a kid you don't like very much - there's a confession by a mother on a parenting website that says she loves her son, but she just doesn't like him very much)
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I'll elaborate more later when I'm not on my phone...basically we didn't really discuss in detail like above, we just knew we could make it work. We dealt with the possibility of our first being retarded (she isn't) and I think it made us stronger.

I've said it before but raising my children (6.5, 5, 16 months) is the greatest thing I have ever done in my life or ever will. Their entire life is shaped and influenced by their parents. It is an awesome responsibility and has incredible playoffs, especially when they get older.


I'll type more later.


PS- SC, good thought invoking questions!
 
SeatClutcher said:
For anyone who wants to answer, before having kids, how much time did you give to considering and weighing the following:
1. Financial cost
2. What would happen in the case of a divorce
3. The possibility that the baby might not be physically or mentally healthy when born and would require constant care (and how that would affect not just the parents, but the quality of life of the child)
4. How your own schedule and priorities would change
5. Who would work, who would stay home, and what would happen if the plan changed when one of the parents wanted to do something different
6. The expectations of each marital partner (romantic, sexual, normal attention) post-baby and how to handle the shift that would come when attention and energy diverted to the child
7. How to handle a child that wasn't what you expected (emotional trouble, psychological problems, or simply a kid you don't like very much - there's a confession by a mother on a parenting website that says she loves her son, but she just doesn't like him very much)
Click to expand...

Overall, I think if you're in a healthy relationship, having children is just the next logical progression. As a few others have stated, my wife and I are also deeply faithful and the Bible tells us to "go forth and multiply" so there is that for a literal interpretation I guess. I dunno, when we were dating, we both knew we each wanted kids, so that was never a stumbling block. As for the why, like I mentioned above, it was just the natural thing to do.

1. It was in our minds, but I like to tell people who ask about kids that if you wait until you think you're financially ready, you'll never have kids. My wife nursed as long as our daughter wanted to (about 13 months if I recall) and cloth diapered, so that helped offset some costs (versus formula and using disposables, which we did, just not that many).
2. Not really part of our planning process. I guess a divorce is always a possibility in any relationship, but for our relationship, not a practical part of the overall planning process. I guess we took our vows seriously when we said "Till death do us part". (before I'm attacked, I'm not saying no one else thinks that as well...just our situation)
3. I think if you think of all the "what if's", you'd never leave the house. Is it a possibility? Yes, but you mitigate the risk by leading a healthy lifestyle, good nutrition during the pregnancy, etc. I think I would definitely struggle if put in that situation, but it doesn't change the fact that they're your child and made in God's image.
4. Our overall goal is for my wife to stay at home, but she has a great job at church which pretty much allows this to a point, so this wasn't really a factor in our planning.
5. See above
6. Initially I really struggled with the lack of romantic contact with my wife post baby, even though it was completely understandable. There are times that you think back to how you as a couple used to behave, but honestly, if I had to choose between bringing my daughter into our bed because of a bad dream or a thunderstorm versus letting her "tough it out" and getting some "quality" time with my wife, it's different, because that family snuggle and affirmation together IS quality time. The romance returns, and it's important as your kids get older to see that Mommy & Daddy are in love and have that as a standard of what solid relationships look like.
7. Again, they're still your child and at the end of the day, a miniature "you" so not much of a question here as far as I'm concerned.

I just saw a funny picture on FB yesterday that said "Children are like farts, you don't mind your own but can't stand other people's." Pretty appropriate if you ask me.

At the end of the day, watching my daughter learn things and find her way in the world is the most rewarding experience I've ever had. Someone else mentioned that as a person of faith, the minute you become responsible for another human, it's simply amazing. As a Christian, I think the way I felt the minute I held my little 5 pound miracle gave me the skinniest peak into the kind of love that God has for each one of us.

It's easy to make a baby folks, it's another thing entirely to be a parent.
 
I don't care what any of you do, just keep those little bastards off my lawn! :)
 
ozziecat35 said:
O

It's easy to make a baby folks, it's another thing entirely to be a parent.
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Exactly, which is part of the reason I think having children isn't necessarily part of the logical progression for everyone. Obviously, not everyone is fit to be a parent (if they were, there would be far fewer abused/neglected/foster kids).
 
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