The Toll

[rockman2343@aol.com]

You seem to be making a blanket statement that you had to choose between being a pilot and having a family. Clearly that is not the truth here! Your being a pilot is NOT the reason you are divorced (or headed that way). Your statement is a bit melodramatic and is really a self-assurance "boost" that you're making in order to help you rectify what has occurred. Were you married before you became a pilot or did she marry a pilot? Your JOB did not end your marriage!!

I'm no Saint, nor do I think I'm better than anyone else here so please don't misunderstand. I am not passing judgement here:
I took a $50k cut in pay because the job I had was keeping me from my family. I saw that my extensive traveling was causing issues in my relationship. When I turned in my notice to quit, I didn't have another job in mind. AND, when I walked out of the office, it was the best I had felt in a couple of years. Because I knew I made the right choice.

As for you, I recommend that you not write off the relationship unless it's something YOU want to accept. If you see the divorce as a personal failure, then you need to make the necessary changes to FIX IT! You might not get back with her and things may not be perfect between you two in the future, but your kids will see that they (and their mother) are important to you.

You do need to take a minute and think about what you're kids are seeing right now: they are experiencing these events first hand. Their life right now involves a Dad that made a clear choice between them and a job. [that's the hard truth].

And to address you statement, YES, a job at 7-11 would have been a better choice....IMHO.

Ill change the title to "the toll some pilots pay."

As for saying that I made a choice between my kids and my job you are dead wrong. Infact, now that the relationship is over and I don't have to pay for my ex's stuff, I will see my kids a lot more than so have on the past 7 months.

I understand what you are saying about making money and providing a big house etc an ego thinks. I just firmly believe that money creates opportunity in this world (maybe not on its own, but it can do a lot). My kids are going to need money more than they need me to spend time with them every night of the month.

You are correct about looking at myself and making changes to fix it. I've spent days over the past month thinking about what I could have done better. It's just not up to me anymore. I can't force her to be here.

 

[rockman2343@aol.com]

Being married and working in this industry is certainly playing adulting on "expert" level. This isn't a job, this is a lifestyle. Some people can hack it, some people can't. The tough part is that you don't know if you can until you try. In my experience, communication is key. Both the pilot and the person at home need to sit down regularly and have a discussion about "how's it going?" This allows you to catch dissatisfaction at a lower level and address it before it grows to an unmanageable level.

Pre planning also helps. Almost two years ago I took a job that will have me on the road (and often out of the country) for 17 days each month. We knew going into it that it would be a challenge, but like I said before, you don't know if you can do it unless you try. Before I took the job, we had many long discussions on whether it was a good idea and working out plan B (move closer to her family) and plan C (seek other employment) if it turns out we can't hack it. Thankfully so far it has actually been really good for us. The 17 days get long, but having large chunks of time off between trips allows us to actually go do stuff together vs. my old job where it felt like I was always unpacking, doing laundry, and going back on the road again.

No judgement on OP, just a couple pointers from someone who has been doing this for a while.

Good points for next time. Thx!

 

[rockman2343@aol.com]

Where are you that only gives you 8 days off a month? If it's an issue of commuting, move somewhere close enough to alleviate having to use a day off to commute. The pilots I know who are divorced blame themselves or their partner for being too lazy and selfish to find an adequate solution to fix the marriage.

It's not that they only give us 8 days. I just picked up more time, in addition to working while I was home, in order to make up for the $3K swing we took when she quit her job.

 

[dustoff17]

.......As for saying that I made a choice between my kids and my job you are dead wrong.

I'm pretty sure I stated that your kids will see this situation as your choosing the job over them and their mother. Whether or not this is true to you is irrelevant. You need to view the marriage and the divorce through their eyes.

.......Infact, now that the relationship is over and I don't have to pay for my ex's stuff, I will see my kids a lot more than so have on the past 7 months.

So now that you're divorced you have a better work schedule and now have more time for your kids? You lost me on this one.......
Won't you have to continue to work the same number of hours in order to pay the child support you just gained?

....... My kids are going to need money more than they need me to spend time with them every night of the month.

And herein lies one of the problems with the way we think about our jobs and families...........it's this manner of thinking that may have led to the divorce.

 

[rockman2343@aol.com]

So now that you're divorced you have a better work schedule and now have more time for your kids? You lost me on this one.......
Won't you have to continue to work the same number of hours in order to pay the child support you just gained?

While we were together, I was paying for her car, school, her trips to urgent care and the salon, essentially anything she needed. Her car was costing me $500 alone. with 50/50 custody I pay way less than that. Even with 33/66 custody I'm still going to come out ahead. I was going to be able to throttle back after summer once her school was paid for. Now that her bills are no longer my concern I can throttle back right away.

 

[rockman2343@aol.com]

I'm pretty sure I stated that your kids will see this situation as your choosing the job over them and their mother. Whether or not this is true to you is irrelevant. You need to view the marriage and the divorce through their eyes.

I see what you're saying. All I can do now is get back as often as I can, and make that time as enjoyable for them as I can. Of course, call them everyday that I'm gone. I am making it a point to get back regularly now.

 

[SKYROCK]

this is a good debate. never married but what I really wanted was a good wife and a small farm in the mountains. I am so ready to make the 'right' woman the captain of my life. its weird, but I don't esteem to be a mainline pilot anymore and I cannot fathom raising a family and missing most of it. this would tear me apart. I really did not belong there to begin with. I just don't want to be in the industry anymore. If I had it to do over again, I would have tried to get into Julliard. Maybe there's still hope for this old crow. You taught me that I can fly in my mind and I'm very thankful for that. a man cannot serve two masters for they will love the one and despise the other. she was definitely the wrong one. narcissist emotional abuse is the only way I can think to describe our time together...yet there were good times too...drove me further into my abuse of substance till I had to blow the whistle on myself. This was good judgement even though I feel I was judged harshly. I had a choice, it did not have to go down that way. I just hope the industry can learn a very valuable lesson to be very careful with borrowed property. the company taught me that they are not my master. alpha taught me that my master is abusive. the wrong girl taught me that I deserve to be loved and not to tolerate emotional or financial abuse. I don't really care for the whole concept of money. I haven't met her yet but I pray and meditate pretty often that G-D would send me a good wife. I have a feeling she could find me. who can find a virtuous wife? they are a treasure more precious that rubies or gold.

 

[dustoff17]

I see what you're saying. All I can do now is get back as often as I can, and make that time as enjoyable for them as I can. Of course, call them everyday that I'm gone. I am making it a point to get back regularly now.

Keeping in contact is a great start. However, I think I would be remiss if I didn't point out that this (bold above) is one of the main reasons for your divorce (fro what you have posted). You can't make your kids secondary....

 

[RetiredATLATC]

Where are you that only gives you 8 days off a month?

Certainly not the FAA.....they only give you 4.

 

[Maximilian_Jenius]

Work vs. marriage and family. Tough choice. I'd like to think that we're all well-rounded, or rather that we should be. I would think that if I was in a good marriage, but stuck in a dead end job, staring up at the sky. Unable to fulfill my life's passion. Anger, regret, depression, jealousy would begin to set in. And as a result, my relationship/marriage might suffer. Likewise, if I'm at a good job, but the job is my life, because I don't have a successful interpersonal relationship(s) outside of work, and I'm coming home to an empty house and five cats, my morale at work might also suffer.

Interdependence, is where its at. I think that we need both in our lives, career & family in order to be happy. Not one more than the other. At least I know that I do.

 

[Screaming_Emu]

Work vs. marriage and family. Tough choice. I'd like to think that we're all well-rounded, or rather that we should be. I would think that if I was in a good marriage, but stuck in a dead end job, staring up at the sky. Unable to fulfill my life's passion. Anger, regret, depression, jealousy would begin to set in. And as a result, my relationship/marriage might suffer. Likewise, if I'm at a good job, but the job is my life, because I don't have a successful interpersonal relationship(s) outside of work, and I'm coming home to an empty house and five cats, my morale at work might also suffer.

Interdependence, is where its at. I think that we need both in our lives, career & family in order to be happy. Not one more than the other. At least I know that I do.

Perfect!

Balance is key. Being able to attain a work/life balance is one of the best parts about this job.

 

[rockman2343@aol.com]

Perfect!

Balance is key. Being able to attain a work/life balance is one of the best parts about this job.

Balance! Dead on. I can't tell you how many times I've told my daughter you need to have balance. At their age I'm usually talking about play vs school time. Probably one of the most important lessons to teach them though.

 

[🦈💜]

Good luck man!

You're bound to find someone.

Not always true, in my experience. Commonly accepted, but some people—like myself—are too far outside of normative parameters to find a partner.

-Fox

 

[derg]

While we were together, I was paying for her car, school, her trips to urgent care and the salon, essentially anything she needed. Her car was costing me $500 alone. with 50/50 custody I pay way less than that. Even with 33/66 custody I'm still going to come out ahead. I was going to be able to throttle back after summer once her school was paid for. Now that her bills are no longer my concern I can throttle back right away.

She sounds like a taker. The "I was promised a particular lifestyle without regards to the underlying work required to produce and maintain it" type.

No "good marriage/relationship" ever ends.

 

[ASpilot2be]

Not always true, in my experience. Commonly accepted, but some people—like myself—are too far outside of normative parameters to find a partner.

-Fox

That's true. It's why I said bound, and not guaranteed.

 

[SteveC]

Not always true, in my experience. Commonly accepted, but some people—like myself—are too far outside of normative parameters to find a partner.

-Fox

I was just talking to a dear friend about how people can be so uncomfortable/disappointed being either single, or being coupled. I think people may be inherently inclined towards one condition or the other, but I believe it is possible to be fully complete even when one finds themselves in the position opposite of what they might expect from life. It takes a lot of self-awareness to do so, but well worth the effort.

(I'm 180 degrees from you in many ways, so "take this with a grain of salt" is probably pertinent for this discussion.)

I was a very contented 40 year old bachelor when i got stood on my head and actually found someone to spend the rest of my life with. It actually took some paradigm shifting on my part. I think the same might be true going the other direction.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Box hauler]

I've been home no more than 8 days a month since November. Even then, I was working in the sim on many of my days off. It has essentially cost me my family.
Its like my career is well into the recovery from the *I don't have the education to emote without using a curse word* I put myself in years ago. Thing is, what good is a career, without a family to share it with.
I've flown with many Captains who were divorced, I just never thought Id be one of them.
It's a fun job and I'm fortunate to still be doing it. I guess it's just hard to enjoy it right now. If I had to choose though, it would be family and working at at 7-11, vs no family and pilot, every time.
Fly safe, call home.

Hope everything works out for you, in my first few years of flying I was in the same position as you with only 6 days at home per month and it made life very tough. I almost lost my fiancé over it but we managed to squeeze by long enough for the sunny days to come back. Now i have usually 15 or so days off and it is much more manageable. We both think we have a much better relationship with me not being home everyday because we enjoy everyday that I am home and it makes our time together that much sweeter. To me absence really does keep that spark alive but we also don't have kids and I know that is a whole different dynamic. Cheers friend

 

[pullup]

My kids are going to need money more than they need me to spend time with them every night of the month.

False, false, false, false, a million times false.

 

[rockman2343@aol.com]

False, false, false, false, a million times false.

My kids don't need money for a place to live? My kids don't need money for food? My kids don't need money for their extracurricular activities?
I'm not saying my kids need the money more than they need time with me. I'm basically trying to say if it comes to making 30K and being home every night, vs making 3 times that and working a regular airline schedule, I would pick the latter.

 

[dustoff17]

Balance! Dead on. I can't tell you how many times I've told my daughter you need to have balance. At their age I'm usually talking about play vs school time. Probably one of the most important lessons to teach them though.

Interesting that you tell your daughters about "balance" and stress how important it is. And yet, your OP indicates a failure in "balance". It is difficult, if not impossible, to teach a lesson to children through words alone. Your actions will be their lesson and dictate their future.

.....I'm not saying my kids need the money more than they need time with me.....

Um, yes you are...!

......... My kids are going to need money more than they need me to spend time with them every night of the month.

My kids don't need money for a place to live? My kids don't need money for food? My kids don't need money for their extracurricular activities?
I'm not saying my kids need the money more than they need time with me. I'm basically trying to say if it comes to making 30K and being home every night, vs making 3 times that and working a regular airline schedule, I would pick the latter.

News flash: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!
I think you might be missing the point of the replies here; I KNOW you've missed the point of mine! What would your KIDS pick? What would your WIFE pick if she had been given the choice?

P.S. There are a lot of families that stay together, are happier, and content that make a heck of a lot less than $30k!!