Single dads

J

jake.durham

Well-Known Member
So I have been divorced for a few years now. I left airlines during that time to be with my kids. Here recently I have been wanting to go back, however, I am also in a custody battle with my ex and it appears that I will win this case and have custody of my kids. Are there any dads in a similar situation where they fly and are a sinle parent? What do you do to manage?
 
I am going through a divorce right now and am fighting for custody of my boys. If I get them, I will be a single father of 3 boys (10, 3, and 4 months old). I am actually going the other route. I am getting out of flying because I want to be there for my boys. I think as a single parent it would be so hard to do. I'm thinking IF I ever get back into flying for a career it wouldn't be until I have another significant other that I can trust to help with the kids. I tried to fly for a few months, but the stress of it was too much for me to handle. It's tough man... But I'm happy when i hear of other fathers trying to get primary custody of their kids too. It is an up hill battle for men to get their kids. It's one of the most gender biased situations still out there today. I hate it. the court basically makes you prove the mother is a drug dealing phsyco before they will even consider handing the kids to a perfectly capable father. It is sick. Anyhow thats my rant. Keep up the fight bro! Maybe one day the courts will actually be fair when it comes to this issue.
 
Yeah I hear ya. I wish my kiddos didn't have to be with my ex. She is a horrible mom. But the courts are the same way here. It takes an act of God and then some to get a judge to order a change in custody.
 
jake.durham said:
So I have been divorced for a few years now. I left airlines during that time to be with my kids. Here recently I have been wanting to go back, however, I am also in a custody battle with my ex and it appears that I will win this case and have custody of my kids. Are there any dads in a similar situation where they fly and are a sinle parent? What do you do to manage?
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I am in the same, I have been divorced for about 6 hyears and have custody of both of my kids. I was flying for SkyWest at the time and if it weren't for the help of my mom, I couildn't ahve done it. I am no longer at SkyWest, due to other circumstances. However, the best thing you can do is have a good family support system if you have that option.
 
I'm not divorced, but am a father, and my only input is that I would think it may be difficult to convince a judge about your capability to care for the kids while you're away from home for 3-4 days. I really hope everything works out for you. I'm a child of divorce (I was 6) so I know how hard it is on everyone.
 
Pilotforhire587 said:
Go to jetgirls and find a single gal.... kidding
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No. You'll end up with the whining of "my DH is gone for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! Im going to miss him SO MUCH??? WHAT am I going to do while he's gone?!?!?! I don't know what to do without him!!!!"

Some of them should count their blessings they're not military spouses......
 
MikeD said:
No. You'll end up with the whining of "my DH is gone for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! Im going to miss him SO MUCH??? WHAT am I going to do while he's gone?!?!?! I don't know what to do without him!!!!"

Some of them should count their blessings they're not military spouses......
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Now Mike you are being a bit harsh. Most of the women over there are pretty independent. You are right Military wives are the ones who have it really hard..
 
MikeD said:
No. You'll end up with the whining of "my DH is gone for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! Im going to miss him SO MUCH??? WHAT am I going to do while he's gone?!?!?! I don't know what to do without him!!!!"

Some of them should count their blessings they're not military spouses......
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Wow! You don't hear that very often at all on Jetgirls. Most of us are grateful for the time we have alone while DH is gone. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????????????????????? Clearly you don't know!!!!! I'm surprised by your post as usually you know what you are talking about, but in this case you don't.
 
HRDiva said:
Wow! You don't hear that very often at all on Jetgirls. Most of us are grateful for the time we have alone while DH is gone. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????????????????????? Clearly you don't know!!!!! I'm surprised by your post as usually you know what you are talking about, but in this case you don't.
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Oh really? Would you like me to cite posts?

...However, and this is really the part I want to share with Jetgirls, on our way to the airport to drop him off for work the other day, I was anxious and much more sad than usual. I literally said, "Wow, I feel really out of the rhythm of you being gone. I really don't want you to go." It was then that I realized that all that emotional distance? That was me protecting myself from the fact that my husband, my best friend, leaves me four days a week. And you know what? It sucks. (here come the tears) It sure is easier to deal with when I'm not so connected to him..
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Four whole days? Man....that must be terrible. How do you deal?

But the next one is truly a gem....

Sometimes I find myself picking a dumb fight with DH the night before he leaves. In the short run, it's easier to drop him off at the airport when I'm aggravated with him. I can say, "Good riddance!" instead of, "I'll miss you.". Isn't that awful?
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And more of the same...

I had a total freak last night and just said 'I don't know if can do this, I don't know if I want to miss you all the time, I don't know if I want us to come second to aviation, I don't know if I can cope with you being away and me being home, alone, needing a cuddle etc etc'. ...
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I've had BF home almost EVERY day, literally for the last 2 months (and that doesn't include the 5 week vacation we took before that). I don't know what I'm going to do when he has to go back to work... and worse even- when he goes international!! He's working tomorrow for the 1st time in 2 weeks and it just feels strange that I'll have to say goodbye (even though it is just 1 night away).
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For the below......IDK if the problem is him being gone, or the mystery-FA that she seems jealous over......

So, recently (as in the last two weeks) is the first time that he's been out holding a line, and I HATE it. I'm not usually this clingy, but I'm not handling this well at all. I vacillate between thinking this is going to be ok, and freaking out because the next years of my life are going to be spent alone at home waiting for him to get back.

I want to be supportive of his job, because he loves it, but the utterly selfish part of me hates it and wishes he had a desk job so we didn't have to struggle through this part of our relationship. I can't even hear him talk about it, because I'm so disgusted that some flight attendant gets to spend more time with him than I do. For instance, today he gets to go to a beer festival on his layover, and I have to go to work. This made me cry, and I'm so upset with myself for it.
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Okay lets just start off that I am sitting here crying and can't seem to stop. I am miserable right now. I miss my pilot like crazy.

We didn't talk yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and then we played phone tag for a while and then I just went to bed. I called him this morning and as soon as he answered we just didn't have a whole lot to say to each other and he flies out later today for his interview. He said that he was going to call when he went to bed tonight and I told him that I would probably be working (I have 3 jobs). He was like 'fine then I won't call' I then asked him why he was being such a brat and what his problem was. He said that nothing was wrong and that I was being a brat and then he says 'whatever' because that is his way of letting me know that we aren't going to talk about it.

I hate complaining about things and know that it doesn't make my situation better but sometimes I am just so sad because we are now going on a month of not seeing each other and I am not sure when we will see each other again. It is just frustrating not knowing when we can spend time together again. So after all of this I am sad today and don't know what to do about it. I just really want him here to give me a hug but obviously that isn't going to happen. And now I have started crying again...ugh!
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So...after five months of flying here in the Carolinas that BF has decided that in order for him to get the hours of PIC and turbine, we need to do some regional flying...SO...that leaves me here...for 6.5 weeks while he is doing training...I read all the posts on here about staying busy, communication, trusting, strong network of friends, etc...but I'll be honest...I am SO not ready...for some strange reason, I'm so emotional right now, and the thought of him being gone makes me just want to cry...I'm stressed right now, as we've had plans to do so much but it just seems everything has been turned upsidedown, and I am not ready...I knew that is was coming, but not so soon...really, all I want to do is just cry..
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Of course, there are reasonable points of view too, to counter the inane ones there:

I would suggest getting a hobby, and doing things that make you happy. The more you do on your own, the more independent you will become, and the easier it will be. Think of all the military wives who say goodbye to their men for months, sometimes years at a time....
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Then there's some good comedy........:

DH just told me that there is no rule about women living in his crashpad. We MET and fell for each other because we lived together.

I really do trust him, I just feel uncomfortable with the prospect of him living in such close quarters with another woman while I'm not there. I guess I don't trust HER...and it seems like a sort of inappropriate situation to put a man in.
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When DH had a crashpad, it was men only. The same person owns another crashpad on another floor for women. I would absoloutely not be ok with DH having women in his crashpad. With this kind of lifestyle, there is no room for that kind of thing. I don't know where your DH is based, but I would absoloutely insist that he find another one.
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So , you were saying? Something about not knowing what Im talking about?

Now, is it all the time and every poster over there? Of course not. But don't try to act like its not there and doesn't exist.
 
MikeD said:
No. You'll end up with the whining of "my DH is gone for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!! Im going to miss him SO MUCH??? WHAT am I going to do while he's gone?!?!?! I don't know what to do without him!!!!"

Some of them should count their blessings they're not military spouses......
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Wish I could only be gone for four days, or fourteen, or forty.......


Seriously though to the original poster. I can give you this advice. Put your kids ahead of all else. Maybe you don't have sole custody, maybe you will get, maybe not, but I have seen dads decide on their domicile based on wanting to be close to their children, I have also dealt with the exact opposite. The child knows who the better parent is. Most importantly good luck to you.
 
Right now I am just starting month 2 of a 4 month deployment away from my family. I average about 2-4 months per year plus all of 2008 in Afghan (which started one month after my son was born). When I go back to the airlines my wife will not even blink an eye to me being gone for 3-4 days. Comical stuff!

edit: For full disclosure, my deployment is in Hawaii, but it is still time away from the family.
 
MikeD said:
Oh really? Would you like me to cite posts?
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How dare you play the "evidence card" to back up a post!

FWIW, I totally agree with your point -- veteran military spouses are generally THANKFUL for the significnat reduction in separation time that comes with an airline job.
 
jake.durham said:
Are there any dads in a similar situation where they fly and are a sinle parent? What do you do to manage?
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I know two USAF pilots who are single fathers (one due to a spouse who died, the other due to a divorce in which the wife was deemed unfit for custody), and they quite simply had to change their lifestyle to accomodate.

They both had to accept that their chosen lifestyle and their concept about how to raise their kids were simply incongruous. They had to make serious compromises on both ends to find a meaningful middle ground.

In general, it meant the kids spent workdays in daycare (and at considerable expense...) and the dads had to scale back their work (or get creative with when/where they completed their work) in order to take care of the kids during times when daycare wasn't an option. In both of their cases it significantly stunted their military career progression.

I've only spoken to one of them after they spent time with that type of lifestyle, and although he was very unhappy about the negative impact on his career as a military pilot (and disappointed that life didn't turn out the way he'd envisioned), he was deeply dedicated to being a great father and had no regrets about the choice.
 
Hacker15e said:
I know two USAF pilots who are single fathers (one due to a spouse who died, the other due to a divorce in which the wife was deemed unfit for custody), and they quite simply had to change their lifestyle to accomodate.

They both had to accept that their chosen lifestyle and their concept about how to raise their kids were simply incongruous. They had to make serious compromises on both ends to find a meaningful middle ground.

In general, it meant the kids spent workdays in daycare (and at considerable expense...) and the dads had to scale back their work (or get creative with when/where they completed their work) in order to take care of the kids during times when daycare wasn't an option. In both of their cases it significantly stunted their military career progression.

I've only spoken to one of them after they spent time with that type of lifestyle, and although he was very unhappy about the negative impact on his career as a military pilot (and disappointed that life didn't turn out the way he'd envisioned), he was deeply dedicated to being a great father and had no regrets about the choice.
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Dad have to do whatever is necessary to take care of the kids.

I have a friend that flies corporate and he tries to arrange the schedule as best he can to accomodate. Fortunately, he has excellent family support and the wife is still very helpfull too. The kids spend a mix of time between both parents and grandparents.
 
Miked, it really doesn't matter that some people have SOs in the military. You can't expect to make it easier on someone to point out that someone else's life is even crappier.
 
Clocks said:
Miked, it really doesn't matter that some people have SOs in the military. You can't expect to make it easier on someone to point out that someone else's life is even crappier.
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Putting things in perspective is a good thing, and something many people never do. If people did on some issues, then they'd realize how much better they have it and maybe wouldn't waste time feeling so sorry for themselves.
 
MikeD said:
Putting things in perspective is a good thing, and something many people never do. If people did on some issues, then they'd realize how much better they have it and maybe wouldn't waste time feeling so sorry for themselves.
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Well said my friend, well said.
 
MikeD said:
Putting things in perspective is a good thing, and something many people never do. If people did on some issues, then they'd realize how much better they have it and maybe wouldn't waste time feeling so sorry for themselves.
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I used to buy that reasoning but after spending time with a friend who lost both his legs in the sandbox four years ago do motivational speaking for guys coming back with missing limbs I changed my mind. A guy who lost his right hand shouldn't not feel sorry for himself because some other guy lost both his legs. Sure, it could be worse, but that doesn't make something not bad.
 
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