Pilots and marriage?

[Ian_J]

They are somewhat similar. However, I have to say, I much prefer Ian leaving for a month or so at a time and then being around with a "regular" job than, say, if he were to be gone 7 days, then home 5, then gone another 7, etc. The latter feels like we'd only be living half of our lives together. I could be looking at it the wrong way, but I remember feeling that way when he was thinking about being a career commercial pilot.

It's not that I couldn't have handled being alone - there was something about that set-up that just didn't appeal to me. But, as in all marriages, you figure out what kind of set-up DOES work for you. Some have a hard time being together all the time, some have a hard time being apart. It really all seems like it depends largely on personal preference.

And this is why I'll never get to live my dream as an airline pilot and am stuck in the military.

 

[TUCKnTRUCK]

Simple answer is recreational pilot.

 

[mshunter]

What kind of pilot is the easiest on a marriage? (airline, cargo, heli, etc)

No flying is easy on a marriage. Being gone is a lifestyle choice like no other when it comes to flying because the schedule in nearly every sector is fluid. You have three options, pick wisely.

#1: Don't ever get married
#2: Marry who you think is the right girl, and find out years later.
#3: Marry who you think is the right girl, and find out on your death bed that she was.

Everything in life is a gamble, even walking to the bathroom first thing in the morning to pee.

 

[SeatClutcher]

No flying is easy on a marriage. Being gone is a lifestyle choice like no other when it comes to flying because the schedule in nearly every sector is fluid. You have three options, pick wisely.

#1: Don't ever get married
#2: Marry who you think is the right girl, and find out years later.
#3: Marry who you think is the right girl, and find out on your death bed that she was.

Everything in life is a gamble, even walking to the bathroom first thing in the morning to pee.

Well, when Ian was a freight pilot, he was home every day but we operated on different shifts (me: day; him: night). International commercial pilots are gone more days at a time, then home a few days in a row. Regional pilots are gone their length of time, etc. So some flying is probably easier on a marriage than other flying, depending on what kind of separation (if any) the couple prefers.

I'm not sure how the death bed fits in.

 

[mshunter]

Well, when Ian was a freight pilot, he was home every day but we operated on different shifts (me: day; him: night). International commercial pilots are gone more days at a time, then home a few days in a row. Regional pilots are gone their length of time, etc. So some flying is probably easier on a marriage than other flying, depending on what kind of separation (if any) the couple prefers.

I'm not sure how the death bed fits in.

I didn't realize I never finished #2, so...

#2: marry who you think is the right girl, to find out years later she wasn't.

Bottom line is aviation is hard on families. More so than just about any other career. They say law.enforcement is hard on families. At least they are home every night.

 

[mikecweb]

I'm sure it's been said but if your marriage can't stand the test of one or both spouses professions than it probably wasn't going to last anyways.

 

[Screaming_Emu]

I'm sure it's been said but if your marriage can't stand the test of one or both spouses professions than it probably wasn't going to last anyways.

THIS.

Marriage is different for everyone, but to me its a promise. That no matter what happens (minus infidelity...that's the only thing I couldn't get past), you're in it together. Its the one sure thing that you can count on in your life. If my wife goes crazy and kills a hobo, I'll be there to pick her up when her jail sentence is over. That's how strongly I view the promise we made. Bottom line is that my marriage is our first priority. Job is important, but I can make money doing other things, so if this job ever becomes too much for us, I'm out. Its all about priorities, and flying isn't at the top for me.

 

[killbilly]

I'm on marriage #2 and I have reasonable certainty that we're going to die married to each other. I don't fly for a living but I do travel pretty extensively, and I can say without a doubt that whether or not the time apart damages your marriage rests solely on the types of people you are. Note: she is also on marriage #2 here. We jokingly refer to our respective first marriages as "starter" marriages, but the truth is that we both had to learn a lot of painful lessons about other people....and ourselves...in that process. I suspect had we not learned those lessons we would not be together.

My wife and I function pretty independently. I know that sounds cold in print, but it's hard to describe. When we're together, we're completely together, but when we're apart, we're not necessarily pining away and heartbroken. When I'm on the road, we exchange texts, but we don't really talk on the phone. That was a weird adjustment for me, because I was used to calling regularly and chatting a bit in previous relationships.

But that doesn't work here. She's terrible at talking on the phone, and when I'm gone she prefers that as her time to herself. Which is cool with me because then I can do my thing without worrying if she's feeling neglected. This sounds like a trivial thing, but it's a huge thing FOR US.

Point being, we have complementary needs in this regard.

If the two of you desire lots of emotional intimacy, you'll have to create ways to do that when you're on the road. If that connection/bond intensity doesn't require your physical presence, great! If it does, or if it requires constancy in stream of communication, then flying professionally (or traveling a lot even, forget flying) may not be a good choice.

 

[mshunter]

THIS.

Marriage is different for everyone, but to me its a promise. That no matter what happens (minus infidelity...that's the only thing I couldn't get past), you're in it together. Its the one sure thing that you can count on in your life. If my wife goes crazy and kills a hobo, I'll be there to pick her up when her jail sentence is over. That's how strongly I view the promise we made. Bottom line is that my marriage is our first priority. Job is important, but I can make money doing other things, so if this job ever becomes too much for us, I'm out. Its all about priorities, and flying isn't at the top for me.

Very true. But even more so is that if one of your jobs becomes to much, you need to not only tell each other about it, but make sure the other person understands and hears it, and listens.

 

[SteveC]

I'm on marriage #2 and I have reasonable certainty that we're going to die married to each other. I don't fly for a living but I do travel pretty extensively, and I can say without a doubt that whether or not the time apart damages your marriage rests solely on the types of people you are. Note: she is also on marriage #2 here. We jokingly refer to our respective first marriages as "starter" marriages, but the truth is that we both had to learn a lot of painful lessons about other people....and ourselves...in that process. I suspect had we not learned those lessons we would not be together.

My wife and I function pretty independently. I know that sounds cold in print, but it's hard to describe. When we're together, we're completely together, but when we're apart, we're not necessarily pining away and heartbroken. When I'm on the road, we exchange texts, but we don't really talk on the phone. That was a weird adjustment for me, because I was used to calling regularly and chatting a bit in previous relationships.

But that doesn't work here. She's terrible at talking on the phone, and when I'm gone she prefers that as her time to herself. Which is cool with me because then I can do my thing without worrying if she's feeling neglected. This sounds like a trivial thing, but it's a huge thing FOR US.

Point being, we have complementary needs in this regard.

If the two of you desire lots of emotional intimacy, you'll have to create ways to do that when you're on the road. If that connection/bond intensity doesn't require your physical presence, great! If it does, or if it requires constancy in stream of communication, then flying professionally (or traveling a lot even, forget flying) may not be a good choice.

Dang, that's good stuff right there! Very insightful, and hopefully others can learn how important it is to be self-aware, both personally and realtionship-ly (huh?), in order to make it work.

 

[Screaming_Emu]

I'm on marriage #2 and I have reasonable certainty that we're going to die married to each other. I don't fly for a living but I do travel pretty extensively, and I can say without a doubt that whether or not the time apart damages your marriage rests solely on the types of people you are. Note: she is also on marriage #2 here. We jokingly refer to our respective first marriages as "starter" marriages, but the truth is that we both had to learn a lot of painful lessons about other people....and ourselves...in that process. I suspect had we not learned those lessons we would not be together.

My wife and I function pretty independently. I know that sounds cold in print, but it's hard to describe. When we're together, we're completely together, but when we're apart, we're not necessarily pining away and heartbroken. When I'm on the road, we exchange texts, but we don't really talk on the phone. That was a weird adjustment for me, because I was used to calling regularly and chatting a bit in previous relationships.

But that doesn't work here. She's terrible at talking on the phone, and when I'm gone she prefers that as her time to herself. Which is cool with me because then I can do my thing without worrying if she's feeling neglected. This sounds like a trivial thing, but it's a huge thing FOR US.

Point being, we have complementary needs in this regard.

If the two of you desire lots of emotional intimacy, you'll have to create ways to do that when you're on the road. If that connection/bond intensity doesn't require your physical presence, great! If it does, or if it requires constancy in stream of communication, then flying professionally (or traveling a lot even, forget flying) may not be a good choice.

Absolutely. Every relationship is different and what works for one couple might not work for another. The important part is communicating what you want/need.

We are less independent, but we're always in touch on the road. I very much dislike being gone and she would rather me be home, but remaining involved in each other's day through text/phone helps a lot.

 

[killbilly]

Absolutely. Every relationship is different and what works for one couple might not work for another. The important part is communicating what you want/need.

We are less independent, but we're always in touch on the road. I very much dislike being gone and she would rather me be home, but remaining involved in each other's day through text/phone helps a lot.

(Quoted for relevance, but this is not directed specifically at Emu - this is in general)

One other thing I want to stress here, because it's one of those lessons which was really, really, really hard to learn.

Most people have a really hard time asking for what they need and want...they may feel their needs are trivial, they may feel like they're asking too much, they may even be ashamed of it (this last one is usually about sexual hangups, and it's the hardest to deal with and yet it's utterly vital, in my opinion, to a successful marriage) but in any case, it's really hard to ask.

But you have to. You have to do it without accusing, and you have to be able to articulate it gently but firmly, even though you're scared, because you have to trust that the other person is going to listen and do their best to deliver it to you. Trust. It's the hardest goddamned thing there is.

I don't want to sound like I've cracked the code on this whole marriage thing - we still fight over stupid things sometimes, we get pissed at each other, and I know for a fact we don't always fight about the things we're urging to. We each pick our battles. But taking a leap of faith and saying, "Babe, I really need this from you..." is the best thing either of us has ever done with each other. Never could do it in my past relationships. I suppose that's something.

To the OP and the point of flying - before you get into flying professionally, determining what you both need - asking for the things you need and want in plain honest language - that's scary and necessary - before you decide to pull a trigger. It may open your eyes in ways you weren't aware.

Good luck.

 

[Screaming_Emu]

(Quoted for relevance, but this is not directed specifically at Emu - this is in general)

One other thing I want to stress here, because it's one of those lessons which was really, really, really hard to learn.

Most people have a really hard time asking for what they need and want...they may feel their needs are trivial, they may feel like they're asking too much, they may even be ashamed of it (this last one is usually about sexual hangups, and it's the hardest to deal with and yet it's utterly vital, in my opinion, to a successful marriage) but in any case, it's really hard to ask.

But you have to. You have to do it without accusing, and you have to be able to articulate it gently but firmly, even though you're scared, because you have to trust that the other person is going to listen and do their best to deliver it to you. Trust. It's the hardest goddamned thing there is.

I don't want to sound like I've cracked the code on this whole marriage thing - we still fight over stupid things sometimes, we get pissed at each other, and I know for a fact we don't always fight about the things we're urging to. We each pick our battles. But taking a leap of faith and saying, "Babe, I really need this from you..." is the best thing either of us has ever done with each other. Never could do it in my past relationships. I suppose that's something.

To the OP and the point of flying - before you get into flying professionally, determining what you both need - asking for the things you need and want in plain honest language - that's scary and necessary - before you decide to pull a trigger. It may open your eyes in ways you weren't aware.

Good luck.

Absolutely. I love the hell out of my parents, but I also learned a lot about what I don't want out of a marriage. The silent treatment doesn't work. My parents disagreements were always very drawn out and absolutely killed the mood in the entire house. Normally my dad wouldn't know what he did, my mom wouldn't tell him...or even talk to him. Really made me scared in my (admittedly few) relationships whenever there was an issue. But what I've learned is that if you bring stuff up right away, it usually turns into a non event. The longer you let things stew, the more it gets blown out of proportion when it finally is addressed.

 

[chrisreedrules]

I just choose my job over any relationship I'm in. I'm happy that way.

 

[SeatClutcher]

I just choose my job over any relationship I'm in. I'm happy that way.

When it gets hard is when you find someone you like more than you like your job. (Or as much as.)

 

[PositionAndHold]

Absolutely. I love the hell out of my parents, but I also learned a lot about what I don't want out of a marriage. The silent treatment doesn't work. My parents disagreements were always very drawn out and absolutely killed the mood in the entire house. Normally my dad wouldn't know what he did, my mom wouldn't tell him...or even talk to him. Really made me scared in my (admittedly few) relationships whenever there was an issue. But what I've learned is that if you bring stuff up right away, it usually turns into a non event. The longer you let things stew, the more it gets blown out of proportion when it finally is addressed.

I have a "no resentment" policy with my wife. If one of us is doing some thing minor but it bugs the other, we tell each other. The other agrees to try and fix it. That way each one of those little things don't turn into a giant ball of resentment in a year or two. You don't hear; I hate how you leave the lights on/fart/leave hair on the sink/don't ever empty the dishwasher/never feed the dog/don't pick up dog poop/leave toe nail clippings on the floor/etc.. Trust me, it works. It may sound like nagging but I would rather hear one thing when it happens then the whole list of stuff in a year. By then its way harder to fix since the resentment has set it.

Also, being honest from day one. I too am on wife 2.0 (she came up with that and put it on a shirt for her bachelorette party). I told my self when I started dating again I was going to be honest with others and my self from the start. Like see that pile of porn over there? Yeah it's mine, oh you don't have a problem with that, cool. Just an example Oh, I'm gone a lot, if you can't handle that we should probably just end it now. This includes stupid games. We're adults, don't try this high school crap on me. I dated a few, that after one or two dates I was done. Trust is pretty much the last thing. You have to be willing to get hurt. You have to trust your partner completely. You will go mad with worry if you don't. I know men/women who don't trust their spouse and they are miserable. If my wife left me or cheated, oh well, lifes going to suck for a bit but I'll get through it. These things lead me to wife 2.0 and we couldn't be happier. Been together for 8 years, married almost 4, and kid 1.0 should be here some time towards the end of April. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I know if you start with a foundation of trust, honesty and a lack of resentment, you'll be most of the way there.

 

[Blackhawk]

I'm going to go with the kind where you're a (doctor/lawyer/engineer/other good money making job where you can afford your own airplane) and fly for fun.

My time on this board has been wasted. Hasn't anyone learned anything from me???
Going to medical school/law school/engineering school is too much work. The idea is to MARRY a doctor, that way you can "work" in aviation taking the jobs you want for the pay you want working when you want. As my daughter says, I don't go to work each day, I go play each day.

 

[msmspilot]

My time on this board has been wasted. Hasn't anyone learned anything from me???
Going to medical school/law school/engineering school is too much work. The idea is to MARRY a doctor, that way you can "work" in aviation taking the jobs you want for the pay you want working when you want. As my daughter says, I don't go to work each day, I go play each day.

True. My wife is on the path to being one of those wives where I can just take whatever job because it's fun. Not quite there yet.