need some advice
- Thread starter nbv4
- Start date
Well I'm here in California. There was no way out of him coming along. The ride was total hell. It was only supposed to be 3 days, but there was an ice storm in New Mexico that closed I-40, so we had to divert, which added on another day.
My dad is the kind of person who, you either agree with him, or you hate his guts. This is how a conversation with him would go:
father: "I-40 is closed, so lets just go south, taking us almost 400 miles out of our way."
me: "uh, shouldn't we just wait here for a few hours to try to get some info on when they will open I-40 back up?"
father: "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO AGAINST EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY???!!!? WHY DO YOU HATE MY GUTS??!! WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE TO YOU TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??? DO YOU WANT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THAT CAN BE ARRANGED...[cue 45 minute tirade]
Even though I have said over and over again that I don't hate him, he insist on bringing that up. When my dad is around, I try to do whatever it takes to avoid these long tirades he gets. They are the most horrendous things anyone would ever have to endure.
For instance, one time him and my mom spent the week in Miami, FL for a buisness seminar. This was less than a year after 9/11, and apparently they got a lot of crap from security going to, and coming back. When they got back, he was in a bad mood. The night before, the UPS man came and my sister forgot to lock the front door when she got the package. When my dad discovered the front door locked, he went off. Even though I had nothing to do with the door being unlocked, I had to sit there with my two sisters, while he told us we were all lazy failures who have no ambition in life. He just sits there and will say just about anything that comes to his mind, whether they're are true or not. Now that I'm in my early 20's, I can write it off as him being a maniac, but back when I was 10 or 11, that crap really effected my self-esteem.
So over the years I have developed a way to avoid these tirades. When he asks me a question, I give him one word as a response. If I give any more information, he'll use it against me in a tirade. In the past 10 years, I probably have said about 50 words to him. And 90% of those words were "I don't know", "yes", and "no"
Anyways, on the last day, I was emotionally bankrupt. I just spent 4 days with a person I absolutely loathe. During those 4 days, I never left a 5 foot radius of him the entire time. I had to smell him, hear him, SEE him... Yeah, it really wore on me after 4 days.
About 3 hours until we got to San Francisco airport, it started to get crazy. That whole day he was really upset and more agitated than usual (if you can imagine that). He kept saying things like "If you hate me, then I can hate you too. Don't bother calling me or your mother. If you try to call mom, I will instruct her to hang up on you. And your mother knows what I'll do to her if she disobeys me". Normally, I'd just ignore this kind of thing and not say anything, but we were almost there and I had nothing to lose.
I told him in a calm but assertive voice (which I can't normally do when in his presence), "I don't hate you. I just wish you'd realize that I am an adult now, and I have the mental capacity to make my own decisions. This is my job, and it is my responsibility to get there. I don't need you to be my chauffeur. I know how to read a map, and I have the money to buy gas. I don't need your money, what I need is your moral support, which you've giving me none. If you really wanted to help me, you could have co-signed a loan, so I could have a few thousand extra dollars in my pocket in case something goes wrong. No, you insist on treating me like a baby, and I do not appreciate that." I said a bunch of other things too, but I don't remember exactly.
Then he started crying. In the 23 years I've known him, I have never seen him cry. He was balling his eyes out. He said "YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU!?!?! I'M JUST A STUPID MOTHER####ER WHO GIVES YOU MONEY. I'M THE WORST FATHER EVER. I HAD ONE CHANCE AND I SCREWED IT UP. GOD KNOWS I TRIED"
At that point I actually started to feel sorry for him, which I haven't felt for him since I was little. I was reminded of this line from a Bob Dylan song that goes "As the days turned to minutes and the minutes turned back into hours.", except here it was the other way around. I was reminded of when I was 8, when I would get a D on my grade card or something and it was ME who would be crying, and he would be the one sitting there throwing verbal insult after verbal insult.
Then after he stopped sobbing, he want back into tough-guy mode. He started saying "You couldn't have made this trip by yourself, you didn't have the money. How do you expect to get a hotel room? What if you get robbed? All you want is for me to give you money. I offer you help, and all you do is piss in my face. You are the most un-appreciative person ever. When you fail at this new job, don't expect me to bail you out. For now on, you are on your own. And I guarantee you WILL fail. You have no idea how the real world operates."
For those next 2.5 hours or so it was very tough. I didn't know what to think. Eventually we arrived. Normally when dad leaves, I let out a sign of relief, but this time, I was in such an odd state of mind, I didn't know what to do. Now I get to show up to my new job in this messed up state of mind! I get to meet my new boss. my new co-workers, and everything a mere 2 hours after going through the most horrific event in my entire life. It's not like meeting people is easy for me to begin with...
Anyways, here I am. I've "recovered" from the drive up for the most part. Running around getting my new internet access hooked up, getting car insurance, buying sheets for my bed, food, things like that, has helped me get my mind cleared. I'm not flying yet, but I am going through the standardization process (which is not going very well AT ALL and may possibly get fired, but thats another thread for another time.)
amorris311
Well-Known Member
im sorry that this happened to you. i know that it can be hard especially when it comes from someone that you look up to at a young age. the job will be a success you just have to think that way. put hard work and effort into it and you will not remember the bad times because that will take time you dont have. 
best of luck.
best of luck.
huh.. he sounds like my dad...up, down, sideways with mood swings..bitchy one minute, crying the next....manic depressive and can never say much positive.
Did you suggest your dad get some help? he won't ever get any better unless someone suggests he might have a problem (head cold wise).
Did you suggest your dad get some help? he won't ever get any better unless someone suggests he might have a problem (head cold wise).
I agree with you, Amber. I offered advice on the subject of abuse in another thread which became long and ugly, so I promise not to drag it out here. If my father ever threatened to touch my mother . . .
I guess that's easy to say, being as my parents were never that way. But just the thought of it sends chills up my spine and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up.
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You WILL succeed, and you will NOT get fired. You must forget about his ordeal and concentrate on your job at this point. You cannot take yourself back to those 4 days, not for now anyway. Focus on your one mission which is a success.