Instructor pilot Quotes

BAMCIS

BAMCIS

Well-Known Member
Instructor Pilots tend to be a humorless lot, regarding us students with an attitude somewhere between mild neglect and utter disdain, with ocassional disbelief at our stunning lack of intelligence. But ever so often, they throw out some golden lines in the cockpit. A few examples I have heard in the last couple weeks...

"Lieutenant, I am going to assume that every mistake you make is a pre-meditated attempt on my life and I will respond accordingly."

"What was your level off altitude? Notice I use the past tense of 'was' because the time that we arrived at your level off altitude has come and gone. We are in the future now, where your NSS is rapidly dropping."

"I can tell by your sunglasses and your watch that you probably think you're a lot cooler than you are."

"If you hear 'bail out' more than once, you're saying it to yourself, because I'm already gone."

"You will know when you screw up by the sound of shouting over the ICS and the sudden impact of my PCL on the back of your helmet."

"You'd be surprised at the ridiculous things some of you people try to do in airplanes. That's why we give you a book first."

"I'm not sure what you just did, but I am sure it was wrong."

"I haven't read the FTI in a while, does it say slowly lower the nose and accelerate 200 ft prior, or wait until 50 feet above the assigned altitude and do a sudden zero G pushover? Maybe you should look that up and get back to me."

Just a few random gems... They're only funny afterwards or when they happen to someone else.
 
I've heard a bunch, especially riding jumpseat in the T-1.

My favorite was from T-6s.

"Lieutenant, I'm wondering: How do you like to eat your Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Because I bet you like to eat them slowly, just like your ground ops."
 
My favorite:

(While knocking on the canopy) "Do you hear that? It's the ball trying to get back in..."

Why is it sooo hard for students to understand that trim is their friend? LOL!


Kevin
 
staplegun said:
My favorite:

(While knocking on the canopy) "Do you hear that? It's the ball trying to get back in..."

Why is it sooo hard for students to understand that trim is their friend? LOL!


Kevin
Click to expand...

I read this at the wrong moment and now I have coffee in my sinus cavity. That is really damn funny.
 
Not sure if these are funny but some I have heard

"Dude, what the !?"

"This is the worst tactical I have ever seen!"

(in a calm voice) "Now just get your stack, fix your stack, correct your stack there, (end calm voice) FIX YOUR ING STACK OR I WILL CRUSH YOU!"

"Nice math there, rainman"

"We would have died if I let you do what you tried to do"

"You are now on radio CAP"

When flying back and TIMing a VOR "So, are you going to look at the chart or do you have morse code memorized?"
 
On the last flight I was kind of flying through the ground instrument checklist and didn't notice I was off a click on the VOR, which is usually already tuned. When I clicked the audio switch I heard dots and dashes, spit out the verbage, and moved along. He stopped me and said something to the effect of, what if you had heard mariachi music coming out of that channel? Would you have looked twice at your channel then? Followed by a brief but very direct lecture about the importance of the "identify" step. Lesson learned.
 
Kinda wish people would post more of these, I started flight instructing (civilian) full time again for the first time in a year... Chinese students at that. Some of these I can use, even in a '72.
 
BAMCIS said:
On the last flight I was kind of flying through the ground instrument checklist and didn't notice I was off a click on the VOR, which is usually already tuned. When I clicked the audio switch I heard dots and dashes, spit out the verbage, and moved along. He stopped me and said something to the effect of, what if you had heard mariachi music coming out of that channel? Would you have looked twice at your channel then? Followed by a brief but very direct lecture about the importance of the "identify" step. Lesson learned.
Click to expand...

Back in the '80s I was based at Camp Humphreys, Korea, just a stone throw from Osan Airbase. While I was there an ILS was commisioned at Humphreys... with a frequency and ID almost identical to the ILS at Osan. In addition, the runways were aligned in the same direction, although Camp Humphreys was quite a bit shorter than Osan. There were several instances of Air Force aircraft shooting the ILS to Humphreys instead of Osan- including a C-5 that cut me off while I was flying NVGs in the pattern. Long flight from CONUS... end of the mission... what do you know, I've got an ID on that frequency, must be the right one.
 
After something jacked.
Me- "LT, you been doing drugs?"
LT- "NO SIR!"
Me- "So you're off your meds?"
LT- "What??? No sir!"
Me- "So you are taking drugs."
LT- "What?? No... I mean yes...wait a sec..."
 
alphaone said:
Not sure if these are funny but some I have heard

"Dude, what the !?"

"This is the worst tactical I have ever seen!"

(in a calm voice) "Now just get your stack, fix your stack, correct your stack there, (end calm voice) FIX YOUR ING STACK OR I WILL CRUSH YOU!"

"Nice math there, rainman"

"We would have died if I let you do what you tried to do"

"You are now on radio CAP"

When flying back and TIMing a VOR "So, are you going to look at the chart or do you have morse code memorized?"
Click to expand...

Alpha... these weren't said to you by a guy named "Tardo" were they? Columbus AFB, 41st FTS, between about 2005 and 2010?
 
One of mine when a student made a really fast and aggressive wind correction towards the wrong way...

"Wow, ok, so let's recap. While most flying creatures belong in trees, I can assure you that neither us, nor our wings belong in them. You should write that down to study."
 
"Lieutenant, you are so far behind the aircraft, if we were to get in a mid-air right now, you wouldn't be hit 'till next week!"
 
Not an IP quote, but still funny:

ATIS was broadcasting "navaid inop procedures in effect". Neither of us could find it in the IFG, so we waved down the plane next to us in the hammerhead. Said plane had a female IP in back. My IP signaled them to switch the victor freq to 122.9 (also local CTAF at about 6 fields). We both get up on frequency, and this follows:

IP 1: "Hey, they're saying navaid inop procedures. Any idea what that means?"
We expect a female, but get a very deep hillbilly voice: "It means the colonel wants you to put dat sum'b*tch on the f****** ground immediately!"

Can't be the first time it happened, but apparently some local yokel had his hand-held out and got lucky. Anyone else have similar experiences? We laughed about that all the way back to the flight room.
 
BAMCIS said:
Instructor Pilots tend to be a humorless lot, regarding us students with an attitude somewhere between mild neglect and utter disdain, with ocassional disbelief at our stunning lack of intelligence.
Click to expand...

This is the best quote of the entire thread!

Humorless? Hell, that regard you're referring to is worth endless hours of entertainment in and of itself!
 
"Hey, Ensign Schmucatelli, don't you think we'd probably climb a lot faster if the gear was up?"

{Sound of gear being raised}


Or conversely,


"Are we doing a low approach or a touch-and-go?"

"Touch-and-go, sir."

"So, how's that going to work out without the gear down?"

{Sound of gear being lowered}



Kevin
 
fish314 said:
Alpha... these weren't said to you by a guy named "Tardo" were they? Columbus AFB, 41st FTS, between about 2005 and 2010?
Click to expand...

Nah.....Don't know anyone by that CS. These were from various IP's through the the hell hole known as phase II.

Did you used to be at CBM?
 
BAMCIS said:
On the last flight I was kind of flying through the ground instrument checklist and didn't notice I was off a click on the VOR, which is usually already tuned. When I clicked the audio switch I heard dots and dashes, spit out the verbage, and moved along. He stopped me and said something to the effect of, what if you had heard mariachi music coming out of that channel? Would you have looked twice at your channel then? Followed by a brief but very direct lecture about the importance of the "identify" step. Lesson learned.
Click to expand...

This is going to make some of the JC regs nazis squirm, but I have to say that since I left the T-34, I have never once ID'd a tacan.....not a single time. And I have never heard of anyone in my community who does it either. I guess with the advent of moving maps/DDI's it becomes relatively obvious whether you have tuned the right station, with the MPCD displaying the tacan identifier in letters on the info section. Like anything else in the cockpit though, especially the things that you input yourself, it pays to verify that it is right.
 
staplegun said:
My favorite:

(While knocking on the canopy) "Do you hear that? It's the ball trying to get back in..."

Why is it sooo hard for students to understand that trim is their friend? LOL!


Kevin
Click to expand...

It took me quite a number of hours to finally realize that you really do need to trim the ball out in the Hornet relatively frequently......got lazy with the T-45, but the rudder trim in this thing, depending on how "straight" the jet is, can seriously be as needy as a little cessna....weird.....

I guess it IS a multiengine aircraft, although I know next to nothing about flying true multiengine a/c......vmc? wtf is that :)
 
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