Engagement Dilemma

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I_Money

I_Money

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So my gf and I have been dating for 14 months, and have lived together for almost 10. From very early on, we both knew we were meant to be together, but said we would get engaged after our one year anniversary. Over the past month we have been looking at rings, I have been planning on how I am going to propose, both of us are very excited about getting engaged.

Well she has a brother, he is 5 years older than her, and has been dating his girlfriend for 9 years. They own a house together, and are practically married, they just never got around to the formalities.

Well we learnt he is going to pop the big question in the next couple of months - the motivation is he does not want us to get engaged first. We are very pleased for them, and know the family will be delighted he is doing this, however if we do it soon after they will be disapointed at us for stealing the glory.

We don't want to two engagements in such a short period of time, as I am sure they don't but what are we meant to do? Should we wait 3 months after theirs? 6? I had promised my gf a ring before she went to Africa this summer? Plan with her bro, to both do it on the same day?

I am not sure what is happening about the weddings yet either -

Any advice? Get her pregnant then they will be eager for us to tie the knot?
 
i'd do it with the bro on the same day - that's fun!

or maybe right before she goes to africa (or in africa if you're going with)
 
I completely understand your dilemma... I have learned however, that as much as you respect family (yours and hers) you cannot please everyone and you two should continue on in your respective plan. It's not fair for her brother to expect you to change YOUR plans because he never went through with the formalities until now. And... if I was her brother's girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset if the only reason he was ready to marry me now was because he was in competition for who was going to get around to it first.

Maybe I'm supposed to be telling you to wait 6 months and everything will be fine, but if you start now with letting them tell you when you get married, before you know it, they're going to get mad at you when you get pregnant before they do and then life will always be a competition.
 
I am thinking of trying to come up with a special date/event to propose that way we can do it on schedule, but people will understand why we did it then.

One of the horses she rode is in the Derby in a couple weeks - maybe that one of those special days.
 
For sure do not alter your plans based on other family members. Her brother may propose but then still have a long engagement or may end up not getting married at all. Personally, I'd want a different wedding day, I wouldn't want to share w/ my brother so I wouldn't try to do that unless they are really close and both WANT to, but I can't imagine they would.
 
powellgal said:
I completely understand your dilemma... I have learned however, that as much as you respect family (yours and hers) you cannot please everyone and you two should continue on in your respective plan. It's not fair for her brother to expect you to change YOUR plans because he never went through with the formalities until now. And... if I was her brother's girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset if the only reason he was ready to marry me now was because he was in competition for who was going to get around to it first.

Maybe I'm supposed to be telling you to wait 6 months and everything will be fine, but if you start now with letting them tell you when you get married, before you know it, they're going to get mad at you when you get pregnant before they do and then life will always be a competition.
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:yeahthat: I couldn't have said it better myself! :D
 
If you are shopping for rings together and have a timeline of when you are going to get engaged, aren't you essentially engaged already??

Minus a piece of jewelry I'd classify your situation as "engaged."
 
powellgal said:
I completely understand your dilemma... I have learned however, that as much as you respect family (yours and hers) you cannot please everyone and you two should continue on in your respective plan. It's not fair for her brother to expect you to change YOUR plans because he never went through with the formalities until now. And... if I was her brother's girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset if the only reason he was ready to marry me now was because he was in competition for who was going to get around to it first.

Maybe I'm supposed to be telling you to wait 6 months and everything will be fine, but if you start now with letting them tell you when you get married, before you know it, they're going to get mad at you when you get pregnant before they do and then life will always be a competition.
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I totally agree with this. I think you should just stick to your plan. I think its a bit rude, and selfish, for the brother to expect you to hold off on your plans just b/c he suddenly decided it was time to get engaged just b/c you two were getting engaged.
 
madmax said:
Stick to your plans. If he has waited 9 years then he can wait a little longer.
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:yeahthat: Exactly. If he was so concerned about exclusivity, then maybe he should have done it a few years ago.

Congrats on popping the question and best of luck to the both of you.
 
If her brother's entire motivation is to get engaged before you, tell him he better get with it because it could happen any day now! You gave him fair warning:)

TheShortOne said:
i'd do it with the bro on the same day - that's fun!
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good one:)

I_Money said:
I am thinking of trying to come up with a special date/event to propose that way we can do it on schedule, but people will understand why we did it then.

One of the horses she rode is in the Derby in a couple weeks - maybe that one of those special days.
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really good idea:)

SeatClutcher said:
Can't you ask her when you want to and just hold off on announcing it? The engagement is between you two, after all.
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why wouldn't this work?

TheWife said:
For sure do not alter your plans based on other family members. Her brother may propose but then still have a long engagement or may end up not getting married at all. Personally, I'd want a different wedding day, I wouldn't want to share w/ my brother so I wouldn't try to do that unless they are really close and both WANT to, but I can't imagine they would.
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this is sage advise:)
 
What makes 35 any different from 30?

35, you're more set in your ways than you were at 30 (more difficult to handle "change"), it's more difficult to conceive if you plan on having children and you've missed out on 5 years of joint taxes (which can, if you do it right, save some $$) plus you might have your own home by then which you'd have to sell and a whole other slew of problems.

at 30, you're definitely more mature and ready/apt to relax than in your 20's...but i didn't see a huge difference between 30 and 35.

so what's the difference?
 
Kristie said:
it's more difficult to conceive if you plan on having children
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I'm saying the guy should be 35, she can be 22 :D J/K

Either way I was just kidding. Although its probably going to be several more years before I even think about settling down again. But that's just my own personal situation. But now that I'm in this industry I see a lot of temptation that pilots (and their wives at home) are faced with, and it takes a certain maturity to overcome all that. A lot of the 30 year-olds I've flown with aren't ready for marriage, myself inculuded (I'm only 28). But after 35, those are the ones who I can look at and can tell they are good husbands. But everyone is different.

Oh yeah, and you have to be 35 to run for president and that's only a 4-year commitment. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Bad analogy I know. LOL
 
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