AP - Detroit,
November 24th, 2003. 11:00 am
Ex GM Chief will try and wing it at Delta Airlines
Former GM CEO Jack Smith, will assume the position of CEO at Delta Airlines this April, replacing the retiring Leo Mullin. Jack Smith is credited with turning around an ailing General Motors in the mid 1990s.
“I consider it an honor and exciting challenge to head the finest airline in the USA.” Said Jack Smith today at a press conference, “Unfortunately, I was chosen to head Delta........oh well, maybe next time. I do believe however, I can help Delta turn itself around...........I have some really great ideas and look forward to implementing them.”
Mr. Smith’s appointment was initially controversial due to some people being confused as who he exactly was. “First of all let me reiterate, I am not former GM CEO Roger Smith who nearly ruined the company and was featured in Michael Moore’s movie Roger and Me. Secondly, I am not Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon religion. I didn’t look at Delta Airlines and say ‘this is the place.’ Plus, I hate 3.2% beer. Lastly, I am not Dr. Smith, the cowardly character from the TV show, Lost in Space. In fact, I love robots.....so much so that I replaced 97% of all my factory workers with them.”
My experience running GM and living in Detroit will come in handy at Delta. Based on this experience, the following initiatives will be implemented:
1. We plan on improving Delta’s image and if there is one place where style is top notch, it is Detroit. All female flight attendant uniforms will now consist of tight acid washed jeans, orange terry cloth halters, white stiletto pumps, blue eye shadow, and the “claw” or “feathered” hair styles. Male flight attendants will wear black jeans with a chain wallet, and black “wife beater” T shirts. All pilots will wear navy blue cotton “mechanic” style jumpsuits with their name embroidered on a large white patch. Only three letter names will be allowed. All gate agents will wear bowling attire. We also plan on bringing back monthly weight-ins; all employees will now be required to be at least 30 pounds overweight.
2. When customers inquire about ticket prices, we will take their car keys and not give them back until they buy a plane ticket. All cheap tickets sold will be done so only after the reservation agents pretend to “ask their sales manager.”
3. All aircraft will be redecorated with cheesy big plastic knobs , imitation chrome, and fake wood.......all designed to break easily. The design team from Pontiac will head this department. We have already applied to the FAA for a permit to put Firebird decals all MD-88 nose cones.
4. Comfort is key. All seats will be made of cheap plush cloth with squishy foam and no leg or back support. To improve cabin air quality, all aircraft will be fitted with ill fitting and leaky door seals from 1984 Chevy Cavaliers.
5. To improve safety, all aircraft will be fitted with drum brakes from the 1990-2001 GMC Jimmy, which of course wear out after a few landings thus ensuring the aircraft always have new brakes.
6. Food will be offered once again on all flights. The menu will consist of potato salad and Strohs beer. Desert will be Mackinac Island fudge, the only fudge made with horse manure and mercury tainted water.
7. The new age back ground music played on Delta aircraft and in Crown rooms will now be replaced with Nugent, Seger, Iggy Pop, Eminem, and Kid Rock.
“I plan on saying ‘how ya doin’ to all my employees, then jokin’ with ‘em by sayin‘ ‘working hard or hardly workin‘....oh ya, you betcha, there, dontcha know!.....yup, that‘s a good one.” Mr. Smith plans on starting his new job just as soon as ice fishing season is over.