Abusive relationship

She just needs to take advantage of the system, which has a lot of assistance for women. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for men, and men who are on the receiving end of this stuff are in a very bad spot, as I found out first hand. Tough road, either way, but there is a lot of help for women who are legit in the situation (and not fabricating to gain an advantage in child custody, etc, which is too common also).
 
Kristie said:
well, apparently she went back cuz otherwise he wouldn't have taken her phone and car keys... how was she able to txt msg you without her phone?

something's not adding up.. did she tell him that she's on a leave of absence or did he just not "let her go to work" today?? seems to me she told him she's on leave in which case, nobody would even think of checking up on her which makes sense as to why he took her phone and car keys... that, was a stupid move...

what about the kids & daycare? she obviously can't get them to daycare without her car...and if she doesn't take them to daycare, would the daycare workers check up on them?

if she's on a leave of absence, you'd think she's get things rolling and not even tell him she's on a leave of absence?? esp if she wanted to get away...

hell, i'd be telling him that i'd have to go to work and while *not* at work, search for some solutions...make it like it's a same ol type of work day. he can't follow her cuz he has no car.

if it looks like she's not trying to get out..then you need to step away, give her some domestic shelter phone numbers to call and tell her your not going to help her anymore if she's not going to at least try to help herself. you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved!
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She called me on lunch and said that she was texting me when Vagus was in the shower getting ready to go to the studio.

Yes...she did tell him she is on leave! Even I told her not to,she said she had to as he drives her car during the day to and from work dropping her off and picking her up.

She said that she was going to get a get a restraining order but like you had heard that they typically don't work and sometimes the person getting the restraining order ends up dead. Also she said that now that she is on leave he never lets her drive (her) truck alone during the day he always rides along with her.

She is 31 yrs. old and has five kids. She said she wanted a man to love her and be a father to her kids. But she (of course) was finding it ever increasingly hard to find a man that wanted to stay due to her situation. Prior to meeting Del Vagus she had been single for six years.
She was kinda desperate for love by the time she met Vagus more especially moving him into her house after only three weeks after meeting her.
But as she says he was a different person in the beginning and said all the right things to her. Somewhere in there women there is a lesson!

-Matthew
 
I think the only people that can help her at this point is a domestic shelter and the cops!

all she has to do is get them to arrest him and poof, she could just disappear with the assistance of a shelter... if he takes her car, does she stay home now that she's on leave or does she have to go with him? maybe somehow in there, she can get away to get her tasks accomplished - or have someone do them for her?

obviously she is able to get away on her own sometimes - whether it's to go to her mom's or whatever... so she should use those times to her advantage and do what needs to be done.

that leave of absence is gonna come and go.. she has to make a move...if she doesn't, the next person he's going to beat on is her kids...

btw, how old are the kids?
 
You've already been given the correct answer - - why are you prolonging the conversation with the woman? You're not doing her any favors by talking to her, texting with her, comforting her, etc. You've already established that he is a threat to her safety - - no more details are required, or even relevant.



TELL HER TO CALL THE SHELTER!

NO MORE DELAYS!



Tell her to call the shelter, GO to the shelter, and don't call you back unless it's FROM the shelter.


There she will have resources available to best deal with her specific circumstances.


Wanna do her a favor? Call the cab.



.
 
Tony and Kristie are right.

It is (past) time for the people that are trained to deal with these situations to take over. Women's shelters exist for just this purpose - she needs to get their help now. They will know how to protect her and the children, how to involve the law correctly, and how to keep them safe.

She needs to go to the shelter now.
 
She needs to seek help in a shelter for sure, away from family.

My brother had a girlfriend that used to beat his ass and like Seagull said, there's zip zero nada for men in this situation.

Whenever he'd move back in with the parents, she'd obviously find him there, give him some sob story about how she was sorry, he'd be a fool and get tangled up right where they left off. The constant abuse, I think, gave him the 'beaten wife' syndrome where only his attacker can love him, yadda yadda yadda.

There is a wide variety of options available for her and she needs to take advantage of that before she gets killed. You might even have to support her from a very long distance because the boyfriend will probably start seeing you as the source of his problems and try to harm you as well.

Be careful. This is way, WAY out of your hands man. When she finds help don't even let her tell you WHERE she is, because I can guarantee you he's going to be on the rampage trying to figure out where she is and the more people that know WHERE she is increases the chances of him being able to glean it out of someone and track her down.
 
Maximillian_Jenius said:
She is 31 yrs. old and has five kids. She said she wanted a man to love her and be a father to her kids. But she (of course) was finding it ever increasingly hard to find a man that wanted to stay due to her situation. Prior to meeting Del Vagus she had been single for six years.
She was kinda desperate for love by the time she met Vagus more especially moving him into her house after only three weeks after meeting her.
But as she says he was a different person in the beginning and said all the right things to her. Somewhere in there women there is a lesson!

-Matthew
Click to expand...

If your friend ever has kids with this guy, It'll be damn near impossible to ever get away from him...
 
One of the lady's over at PF (PilotFamilies.com) had this to say:
--
Hi Kristie,

I saw the thread on JC about domestic violence. Here's info to pass along:

http://phoenix.gov/POLICE/dvlear1.html

http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/AZ.HTM

http://www.law.arizona.edu/depts/clinics/dvc/

http://www.azag.gov/victims_rights/DomesticViolence/index.html

Once upon a time I got my first job with the Governor's Justice Commission which was the PA state agency to handle federal LEAA money. We were to fund programs that were new in law enforcement--they were to be three year seed money grants. Being the new kid on the block, I got to work with the "peons". We were supposed to fund programs that helped eradicate murder, rape and felonies. A group of women came in and wanted to see someone and they were assigned to the peon group and got me. We wrote a grant proposal to fund a women's shelter for abused women in Philadelphia. We were up against the sheriff of Philadelphia who had a grant for 5 writ servers (not felonies--just patronage!). We went before the local committees and then the full state committee. We won. The next day, he called me up--I was all of 22. He told me, "Young lady, do you know what you have done? There's no such thing as an abused woman." Duh, we got the FIRST ever shelter for abused women started! It all started in Philadelphia in 1977. I'm very proud of that.

Please pass along the info and my thoughts to this woman.

Roz
--

I forgot that she used to work for domestic violence shelter - I should have asked her days ago and I totally apologize for not doing that.:(

Hopefully some of what Roz mentioned will be much more helpful!!
 
AZBigDog said:
If your friend ever has kids with this guy, It'll be damn near impossible to ever get away from him...
Click to expand...

Funny that you mention that. His previous girlfriend was pregnant with his baby. She miscarried about 3 weeks ago and Vernetta told me that he has been talking "baby" to her ever since.
She told me that he told her. "I want you to have my baby then your bonded to me forever and you'll never get away form me."
She said that she has caught him several times when they have been intimate say he is "wrapped up" only later to find out he isn't that he took it off but said it "slipped off."

-Matthew
 
so? did you get the to her so she can get out of there or are you continuing to just sit there and listen?
 
Kristie said:
so? did you get the to her so she can get out of there or are you continuing to just sit there and listen?
Click to expand...

...Well since you ask if you remember when I said that she called me back when Vagus was in the shower. That was the last time I spoke with her. Since then she hasn't been answering my calls or text. The last time I called her phone a mans voice answered and said "stop calling here she can't talk to you no more...click."

So I'm done...more or less. After talking to her cousin and her other friends at work they also haven't heard from her in a good week. So she is now completely under his control. Completely cut off from anyone and everyone. So yea I'm done more or less.

-Matthew
 
Maximillian_Jenius said:
The last time I called her phone a mans voice answered and said "stop calling here she can't talk to you no more...click."

So I'm done...more or less. After talking to her cousin and her other friends at work they also haven't heard from her in a good week. So she is now completely under his control. Completely cut off from anyone and everyone. So yea I'm done more or less.

-Matthew
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It's taking a bit of self control to keep from calling you a moron. What is making it so difficult for you to see the immediate danger that this woman is in?!?!?

And now you're just going to wash your hands and walk away?!?!?

Tell us, genius, what are you going to tell her parents at her funeral?







Call the police - - 9-1-1 - - the woman needs help.








Drop the mouse, and pick up the phone - - NOW.






.
 
It's really too late for anything for this women, I'd be more concerned for Matt at this point, because now if she does leave, her BF's got the number that Matt called from. Do a reverse phone number search and you can find almost anyone..BE CAREFUL MATT! I'm not to sure why she didn't just leave when he was taking a shower, instead she decides to txt someone. Can't save everyone. Kristie said it best, she has to be willing to save herself and her kids. If you gave her all the phone numbers, then i think you've made the right call in just walking away from it at this point. No need in risking yourself over someone who does not want to be helped.
 
I dunno if it'd be worthwhile to at least go in, with her family, to the police station to talk to them about the best options... if her family and friends all try to intervene - that could be of help.

If anything, the police could stop by, check on her.. handcuff him in a car while they're talking to her so that she doesn't feel "at risk"...if anyone can get her & the kids to a domestic violence shelter, it'd be them! that'd be her first step.. and then she could have the shelter help with everything else....

of course, she'd have to go down under for a while so he can't find her.

or maybe have her boss call in and say something like "we really need you here, can you come in and work tomorrow" and see if she at least calls her boss back!? last thing her boyfriend is going to want to do is lose that paycheck she's got...

the least that can be done is a police checkup...
then again, for all you know, that man's voice saying "stop calling here she can't talk to you no more".. might mean he already killed her...but someone's gotta worry about the kids in the picture here!! even if *she* is a lost cause.. someone's got to help the kids!

the least that should be done is a police check up on her and the kids!
 
GSMPilot said:
It's really too late for anything for this women, I'd be more concerned for Matt at this point, because now if she does leave, her BF's got the number that Matt called from. Do a reverse phone number search and you can find almost anyone..BE CAREFUL MATT! I'm not to sure why she didn't just leave when he was taking a shower, instead she decides to txt someone. Can't save everyone. Kristie said it best, she has to be willing to save herself and her kids. If you gave her all the phone numbers, then i think you've made the right call in just walking away from it at this point. No need in risking yourself over someone who does not want to be helped.
Click to expand...


I'm sure that everyone's intent would be to reach out and offer a helping hand in a situation like this, but I tend to agree with Kristie, she's got to help herself.

A little story. My wife and I have a friend that lost her kids in an ugly divorce a few years back. She was left with nothing. Since the divorce she just couldn't stay out of any type of intimate relationship. Seems like she validated herself as a person if she had a man, any man. As long as she had a man she seemed happy even if the relationship wasn't working out. We went as far as flying her out to Phoenix, AZ about a year ago in order for her to clear her head and maybe start her life over. We offered her a place to stay and even guided her in finding a decent job with benefits, something she never really had before. The day the company offered her this job, she stated she wanted to go back home. Back to the life she had before. It was then clear to us that she couldn't be helped and she went on her way. We get an email or a phone call from her from time to time, she lives with her man who really hasn't held a permanent job or lived at the same place longer than 6 months since we've known him. But, it is what she wants, so she has it.

AZ
 
TonyC said:
It's taking a bit of self control to keep from calling you a moron. What is making it so difficult for you to see the immediate danger that this woman is in?!?!?

And now you're just going to wash your hands and walk away?!?!?

Tell us, genius, what are you going to tell her parents at her funeral?

Call the police - - 9-1-1 - - the woman needs help.

Drop the mouse, and pick up the phone - - NOW.
Click to expand...

Well gee thanks TonyC for the kind words....you kiss your children with that mouth (:sarcasm: ).

I only know Vernetta from work. I only met her when I moved from collections to lending ops (I work at Chase) at the beginning of 05.

We have hung out together after work a few times with friends. But I don't know her address and never been to her house. I don't have her home number or anything.

So yea...at this point I'm done. I have done all that I can. Gave her the advise that everyone gave her from on here when we talked last. There is nothing more I can or am willing to do. Anything more and I'm an "enabler." My mother a license psycholgist even agrees. Sad as it is my mom says there are some people that no matter how much their preached at or told the correct thing to do. Their not going to see the light until their ready. Some can't get out but want to.Those are the ones that need help. Others finally after all the years/months of sh*t and abuse build up the nerve to get out no matter the cost.

Besides her cousin in customer service told me that a couple of weeks ago Vernetta asked her brother to ruff him. By the time he got there she had changed her mind and when brother was "working him over." She starts hitting her brother over the head with a book. To make him stop hurting Vagus. So she is alienating everyone. Now her family is throwing up their hands. You can't help someone who isn't willing or able to first ask/seek help or get it on their own.

I'd be more concerned for Matt at this point, because now if she does leave, her BF's got the number that Matt called from.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the concern.But these people are cowards plain and simple thats why they go after weaker prey. I'm not scared of him he knows it.
Also I called from my cell phone so he has no access to home address.

But he knows where I work what time I arrive and leave. I even told him my lunch schedule. Guess what nothing...again a coward! But like I said I'm out of it now...

-Matthew
 
Maximillian_Jenius said:
Well gee thanks TonyC for the kind words....you kiss your children with that mouth (:sarcasm: ).

-Matthew
Click to expand...
Tony is right. He put it bluntly and straight to the point, but he is right. Personally, I'd wipe my hands clean after I called the police. If they can't talk sense into her then she could screw up her life all she wants. At least it would be documented, in case she came to her senses later or had to really call the police herself, he'd be taken care of. The state should take care of that (presuming the law on domestic violence is the same out here as in California).
She got you involved and I would call the cops whether she liked it or not. Plus, a life is at least worth a phone call.
 
Sprint100 said:
Tony is right. He put it bluntly and straight to the point, but he is right. Personally, I'd wipe my hands clean after I called the police. If they can't talk sense into her then she could screw up her life all she wants. At least it would be documented, in case she came to her senses later or had to really call the police herself, he'd be taken care of. The state should take care of that (presuming the law on domestic violence is the same out here as in California).
She got you involved and I would call the cops whether she liked it or not. Plus, a life is at least worth a phone call.
Click to expand...

Well what you Tony and anyone else who agrees with your line of thinking are failing to understand is that. A.) I don't have her home number or address to call the police to come out too. B.) I don't even have enough info to even start a police report.

All I have are two names.Vernetta & Del Vagus. But Del Vagus does have a record of abusing women. He is currently on probabtion and in anger management classes as we speak.

So before you even go there and say "see he has a record you can file a report." Try again...it would be her word against mine. Furthermore she has already demonstrated the propencity to thwart the help of friends,family and love ones for this man. No matter what she has said in the past she isn't ready to go.

Talking to her cousin today I found out the real reason she took leave wasn't to get peace of mind and ease her stress of the situation. But to (try) to keep tabs on Del Vagus to make sure he isn't out cheating on her. Turns out her constant stress at work at least was wondering who's house he was at, what he was doing or who he was effing.
Who was with him in her car or her house while she was at work.
Not saying she isn't scared that she doesn't fear for her or her children's life but it would at least appear that for now her pride matters more.

My conscious is clear!


-Matthew
 
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