Question for the fly boys

little_me

little_me

New Member
I'm in love with a pilot who's marriage "is not doing well." He regrets being married to his wife because he thought I disappeared from the face of the earth so he got married. (I had cancer and didn't want to burden him w/my medical condition at that time.) Now that I'm cancer free, I got in touch with him (we have been friends since 1990) just to say hello. I found out he's transferring overseas and his wife isn't going with him due to their differences. He says he misses me. I can accept his work schedule and everything else that comes along. I love him for who he is and totally accept that his career is also a major part of him. Question is - is he worth waiting for? I need honest male point of views. Thanks.
 
Is he worth waiting for? Shoot - you tell us! :) There are only two relevant questions I can think of:

Does he love you?

Is he going to leave his wife? (For real). If so, when?
 
If you really were "in love" with him you wouldn't need to come to an internet webforum to figure it out.
 
Ian J said:
Is he worth waiting for? Shoot - you tell us! :) There are only two relevant questions I can think of:

Does he love you?

Is he going to leave his wife? (For real). If so, when?
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He's leaving overseas next month and she's not going, which means they'd end up divorcing. And yes, he did mention a few times he loves me. And yes, I know he's worth waiting for.
 
mikecweb said:
If you really were "in love" with him you wouldn't need to come to an internet webforum to figure it out.
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Thanks for the honesty - I wanted to see a male's point of view. A pilot's career and love life is far different from the typical and I know a lot of AIDS (Air Induced DivorceS) exist.
 
little_me said:
He's leaving overseas next month and she's not going, which means they'd end up divorcing. And yes, he did mention a few times he loves me. And yes, I know he's worth waiting for.
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are you sure that because she's not going with him that they'd be getting divorced? It might make sense for her to stay behind if she has a good job, children to take care of, other family issues or what not....

Is he moving there permanently and if so, what does that mean for you if he's permanently moving out of the country?
 
I highly recommend waiting to get too "attached" until the divorce is final.

Seriously.

Love him, support him through the divorce, but keep your own emotional distance until the papers are signed & filed. Make sure that it's really going to happen and that he's not just feeding you a line and stringing you along. Unless you're okay with being the "other woman", which is a whole other ball game......

A good friend of mine got involved with a military pilot who's marriage was "on the rocks". She swore up one side and down the other that his marriage was over, it was just waiting to be finalized, he wasn't "with" her anymore, blah blah blah. He was lying. His wife had no idea anything was "wrong" with their marriage. By the time my friend found this out, she was in WAAAAAY too deep with the guy, no divorce was happening, and she was the "other woman" to a married guy who wasn't really going to leave his wife. Someone else got nosey, starting calling the guys wife, she found out about everything, and it just started a whole ####-storm. I haven't even heard from her in almost a year, so I don't know how it ended (or if it's even ended yet).

Do yourself a favor and demand that the divorce be final before you get involved!
 
:yeahthat:

Do NOT get involved with him right now. Tell him he can call you 6 months after the divorce is final, and not a minute earlier. Then move on with your life.

Your presence in his current situation changes the dynamics of what he is going through. It is complicated, but you need to be aware that most of the changes that you cause (unknowingly!) are not conducive to the two of you having a successful relationship in the future. Read that last sentence again, it's important.

This is one of those times when you need to let your brain overrule your heart.
 
SteveC said:
:yeahthat:

Do NOT get involved with him right now. Tell him he can call you 6 months after the divorce is final, and not a minute earlier. Then move on with your life.

Your presence in his current situation changes the dynamics of what he is going through. It is complicated, but you need to be aware that most of the changes that you cause (unknowingly!) are not conducive to the two of you having a successful relationship in the future. Read that last sentence again, it's important.

This is one of those times when you need to let your brain overrule your heart.
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agreed . . .

Remember, in order to have a successful relationship, it takes two (2!) whole and balanced people. Once he is finished with his relationship, he will need some time to come back into balance. Additionally, if you get involved before he is married, there will (in most cases) be a long term question about fidilety. (If he cheated on her, he could cheat on me?!?)is just one of the questions that could get you spinning down the road.

Good luck, and you know the right thing to do.:)
 
little_me said:
(I had cancer and didn't want to burden him w/my medical condition at that time.)
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I don't understand why your medical condition should be a burden to someone you love if they love you in return... I see your point about not wanting to be a burden, but to the person you loved? I guess I just don't understand why the two of you couldn't have stuck it out in the beginning. And, what if something happens again... are you going to run away until it's fixed because you don't want to be a burden?
 
MQAAord said:
I highly recommend waiting to get too "attached" until the divorce is final.

Seriously.

Love him, support him through the divorce, but keep your own emotional distance until the papers are signed & filed. Make sure that it's really going to happen and that he's not just feeding you a line and stringing you along. Unless you're okay with being the "other woman", which is a whole other ball game......

A good friend of mine got involved with a military pilot who's marriage was "on the rocks". She swore up one side and down the other that his marriage was over, it was just waiting to be finalized, he wasn't "with" her anymore, blah blah blah. He was lying. His wife had no idea anything was "wrong" with their marriage. By the time my friend found this out, she was in WAAAAAY too deep with the guy, no divorce was happening, and she was the "other woman" to a married guy who wasn't really going to leave his wife. Someone else got nosey, starting calling the guys wife, she found out about everything, and it just started a whole ####-storm. I haven't even heard from her in almost a year, so I don't know how it ended (or if it's even ended yet).

Do yourself a favor and demand that the divorce be final before you get involved!
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whats your avitar from?
 
SteveC said:
:yeahthat:

Do NOT get involved with him right now. Tell him he can call you 6 months after the divorce is final, and not a minute earlier. Then move on with your life.

Your presence in his current situation changes the dynamics of what he is going through. It is complicated, but you need to be aware that most of the changes that you cause (unknowingly!) are not conducive to the two of you having a successful relationship in the future. Read that last sentence again, it's important.

This is one of those times when you need to let your brain overrule your heart.
Click to expand...

I third that motion. I would even venture to say I would wait a FULL YEAR. Sure, it seems like a long time, but in the game of life, that is a drop in the bucket. He will need to get the divorce and bitterness out of his system...trust me on this. Been there, done that. Statistics tell us that subsequent marriages have higher failure rates and I would also add that those that get involved in such a short time after a failed marriage that the numbers are even higher.
 
I say go for it.

Look, life is too short (you're the one who has had cancer, not me) Are you going to be wondering for the rest of your life "what if..." if you don't? This is an opportunity to get in before he reconciles or finds another woman.

If it doesn't work out, hey there's more fish in the pond. (well you did say you wanted a male point of view)
 
Thanks for all the suggestions. Girl friend opinions are far different and I'm looking at all angles. You guys are right about waiting it out, which is what I'm planning to do. In the meantime, life goes on for me until then.

...and if he doesn't come around, can't really miss what I don't have in the first place. Broken hearts can be mended by boxes of chocolates :D

Thanks again.
 
MQAAord said:
I highly recommend waiting to get too "attached" until the divorce is final.

Seriously.

Love him, support him through the divorce, but keep your own emotional distance until the papers are signed & filed. Make sure that it's really going to happen and that he's not just feeding you a line and stringing you along. Unless you're okay with being the "other woman", which is a whole other ball game......

A good friend of mine got involved with a military pilot who's marriage was "on the rocks". She swore up one side and down the other that his marriage was over, it was just waiting to be finalized, he wasn't "with" her anymore, blah blah blah. He was lying. His wife had no idea anything was "wrong" with their marriage. By the time my friend found this out, she was in WAAAAAY too deep with the guy, no divorce was happening, and she was the "other woman" to a married guy who wasn't really going to leave his wife. Someone else got nosey, starting calling the guys wife, she found out about everything, and it just started a whole ####-storm. I haven't even heard from her in almost a year, so I don't know how it ended (or if it's even ended yet).

Do yourself a favor and demand that the divorce be final before you get involved!
Click to expand...

Holy schmokes??? DEMAND? Ever heard the saying "the hungry don't get fed?" If she DEMANDS that the divorce be final it WILL scare the guy away and makes her seem like a psychotic nut. I understand feelings are involved but last thing she wants to do is try to be in the middle of their affairs or be a "homewrecker" so to speak.

To the threadmaker, if you are interested i feel for you. My advice is to move on with your life. It is good news that you got over your illness and you can now venture on to bigger and better things. Some things were never meant to be, you're only shooting yourself in the arse if you get involved with his marital problems.
 
Also are you certain he is indeed having "problems" or is he just saying that to get shizzy with the nizzy? lol

Again, don't get wrapped up in this situation, it has been so long since you guys were together. People change. Things change.
 
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