girlfriend issues

gomntwins

gomntwins

Well-Known Member
Hey, I'm not one to really talk about my personal life... but I'm in a bad position at the moment with my longterm girlfriend. I'm looking for any advice.

My situation: I fly freight and live in a town that's 350 miles away from my g/f. She's in grad school at the moment working on her PhD... we've been doing this for about 2 years now. Prior to this we'd lived together for years. Amazingly we went for the first year and a half of living 300 miles apart without any large issues. It's been really nice actually-- she proved to me that we'd actually work together with me being a pilot. She's extremely independent and has proven that above and beyond. We ran into some issues about 6 months ago, worked through those... and hit a rough patch about a month and a half ago where she actually 'broke' up with me. She wasn't sure if we were right for one another. Weird deal actually-- we were talking about engagement rings on Sunday, everything sounded ok on wed., thurs. I new something was wrong... Friday and it was supposedly done. Within three weeks, with a lot of convincing... and more new clothes than I've bought in years... I talked her into dinner. Dinner went very well, we essentially got back together. Everything has been a little weird... but I've went out of my way to make sure everything's been as perfect as possible-- I made the trek on weekends... and did my best to have wonderful dates. It went well. Things would be great on saturday/sunday after the first 30 minutes of awkward... I'd head home sunday, talk with her throughout the week... and by the end of the week you could hear her having doubts (the distance is killing me at the moment I think). She didn't want me to come this weekend because of school work... she just called me (sunday night) and says she wants to take a 'break'.

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody? Also, where should I go from here? She wasn't as negative about us this time around... but it's not positive. She already has agreed to meet me from dinner in a couple weeks. I'm fairly confident I can convince her back. Any ideas on how to prove myself? She knows I love her... she knows how hard I'm trying... but she doesn't know if we're right. This has been a fairly problem free relationship for a long time-- but not anymore. I'm giving her what she wants... I'm not acting all stalker or anything... I gave her space last time around... but did my best to stay in her life-- calling every few days, etc. It worked-- although not really. Any ideas? I'm really confused. Where should I go from here?
 
Velocipede said:
She's seeing someone else. So, you've either got to accept an "open" relationship or put an end to it and move on.
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:yeahthat: "A deviation from what's normal indicates something's wrong" - Someone much smarter than me.
 
Have you asked her if there's someone else in the picture?

Sounds like you're doing everything you can......
 
MQAAord said:
Have you asked her if there's someone else in the picture?

Sounds like you're doing everything you can......
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Yes I have... and she says no. I know her well enough and I truly don't think she's dating anybody else. She may have a crush on somebody... but I'm fairly positive she hasn't acted on that. I really don't think it's an issue of others... I think it's an issue between us. In all honesty, and I told her this too... I'd have a lot easier time (in certain respects) with this if it was somebody else. At least then I would know where I stand.

I could be totally wrong, but I really don't think it's a somebody else type of deal. I've had enough relationships have issues (these same types of issues) from my side when there was nobody else in the picture. I'm not pessimistic enough to think the only reason a relationship will end, or have problems, is due to somebody else in the picture.
 
gomntwins said:
Hey, I'm not one to really talk about my personal life... but I'm in a bad position at the moment with my longterm girlfriend. I'm looking for any advice.

My situation: I fly freight and live in a town that's 350 miles away from my g/f. She's in grad school at the moment working on her PhD... we've been doing this for about 2 years now. Prior to this we'd lived together for years. Amazingly we went for the first year and a half of living 300 miles apart without any large issues. It's been really nice actually-- she proved to me that we'd actually work together with me being a pilot. She's extremely independent and has proven that above and beyond. We ran into some issues about 6 months ago, worked through those... and hit a rough patch about a month and a half ago where she actually 'broke' up with me. She wasn't sure if we were right for one another. Weird deal actually-- we were talking about engagement rings on Sunday, everything sounded ok on wed., thurs. I new something was wrong... Friday and it was supposedly done. Within three weeks, with a lot of convincing... and more new clothes than I've bought in years... I talked her into dinner. Dinner went very well, we essentially got back together. Everything has been a little weird... but I've went out of my way to make sure everything's been as perfect as possible-- I made the trek on weekends... and did my best to have wonderful dates. It went well. Things would be great on saturday/sunday after the first 30 minutes of awkward... I'd head home sunday, talk with her throughout the week... and by the end of the week you could hear her having doubts (the distance is killing me at the moment I think). She didn't want me to come this weekend because of school work... she just called me (sunday night) and says she wants to take a 'break'.

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody? Also, where should I go from here? She wasn't as negative about us this time around... but it's not positive. She already has agreed to meet me from dinner in a couple weeks. I'm fairly confident I can convince her back. Any ideas on how to prove myself? She knows I love her... she knows how hard I'm trying... but she doesn't know if we're right. This has been a fairly problem free relationship for a long time-- but not anymore. I'm giving her what she wants... I'm not acting all stalker or anything... I gave her space last time around... but did my best to stay in her life-- calling every few days, etc. It worked-- although not really. Any ideas? I'm really confused. Where should I go from here?
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Dude, seriously we need to meet and have a beer....You just described almost EXACTLY the situation im going through right now...It sucks bad, i know....
 
gomntwins said:
Hey, I'm not one to really talk about my personal life... but I'm in a bad position at the moment with my longterm girlfriend. I'm looking for any advice.

My situation: I fly freight and live in a town that's 350 miles away from my g/f. She's in grad school at the moment working on her PhD... we've been doing this for about 2 years now. Prior to this we'd lived together for years. Amazingly we went for the first year and a half of living 300 miles apart without any large issues. It's been really nice actually-- she proved to me that we'd actually work together with me being a pilot. She's extremely independent and has proven that above and beyond. We ran into some issues about 6 months ago, worked through those... and hit a rough patch about a month and a half ago where she actually 'broke' up with me. She wasn't sure if we were right for one another. Weird deal actually-- we were talking about engagement rings on Sunday, everything sounded ok on wed., thurs. I new something was wrong... Friday and it was supposedly done. Within three weeks, with a lot of convincing... and more new clothes than I've bought in years... I talked her into dinner. Dinner went very well, we essentially got back together. Everything has been a little weird... but I've went out of my way to make sure everything's been as perfect as possible-- I made the trek on weekends... and did my best to have wonderful dates. It went well. Things would be great on saturday/sunday after the first 30 minutes of awkward... I'd head home sunday, talk with her throughout the week... and by the end of the week you could hear her having doubts (the distance is killing me at the moment I think). She didn't want me to come this weekend because of school work... she just called me (sunday night) and says she wants to take a 'break'.

My questions: First off, I don't know what a break is... anybody? Also, where should I go from here? She wasn't as negative about us this time around... but it's not positive. She already has agreed to meet me from dinner in a couple weeks. I'm fairly confident I can convince her back. Any ideas on how to prove myself? She knows I love her... she knows how hard I'm trying... but she doesn't know if we're right. This has been a fairly problem free relationship for a long time-- but not anymore. I'm giving her what she wants... I'm not acting all stalker or anything... I gave her space last time around... but did my best to stay in her life-- calling every few days, etc. It worked-- although not really. Any ideas? I'm really confused. Where should I go from here?
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Relationships are 50/50. Granted I haven't heard her side of the story, but all I hear is you doing everything.

Also, if you have to convince or prove yourself to someone (and there isn't a reason for trust issues) then maybe it's time to cut your losses.

Also, I hear you say that you're giving her all that she wants. Question, what're you doing for you, to take care of your needs.

It's important in a relationship to realize that you too are an individual, who has needs and not at all be co-dependent.
 
Maximillian_Jenius said:
Relationships are 50/50. Granted I haven't heard her side of the story, but all I hear is you doing everything.

Also, if you have to convince or prove yourself to someone (and there isn't a reason for trust issues) then maybe it's time to cut your losses.

Also, I hear you say that you're giving her all that she wants. Question, what're you doing for you, to take care of your needs.

It's important in a relationship to realize that you too are an individual, who has needs and not at all be co-dependent.
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dr20_phil_and_dad.jpg
 
I'm the last guy to give out relationship advice, but since you asked, here goes.

And your mileage may vary...

I wouldn't bother chasing her around. Be a less available, don't always pick up the phone when she calls and see what she does.

If she doesn't make any effort to get in contact with you, well that's what she was looking for.

Most importantly, what do YOU want? What are YOUR needs? Is the relationship fulfilling those? If not, cut bait before either of you thinks marriage, then a house, and then kids are going to fix it.

Usually, whenever I gave a lady the "I need a break" talk, to me, that meant that "Well, I need to go chase tail, but I want to hedge my bets by not completely breaking up. If it doesn't work out, I'll be back, but if it does, sayonara!"
 
Sounds to me like she wants out but doesn't want to hurt you. Let her go and see what happens. If she wants space give it to her...completely. If she comes back then great. If she doesn't then it is better for this to happen now and not with a divorce lawyer.
 
Doug Taylor said:
I'm the last guy to give out relationship advice, but since you asked, here goes.

And your mileage may vary...

I wouldn't bother chasing her around. Be a less available, don't always pick up the phone when she calls and see what she does.

If she doesn't make any effort to get in contact with you, well that's what she was looking for.

Most importantly, what do YOU want? What are YOUR needs? Is the relationship fulfilling those? If not, cut bait before either of you thinks marriage, then a house, and then kids are going to fix it.

Usually, whenever I gave a lady the "I need a break" talk, to me, that meant that "Well, I need to go chase tail, but I want to hedge my bets by not completely breaking up. If it doesn't work out, I'll be back, but if it does, sayonara!"
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:yeahthat: Word. Pull back and if she doesn't bite, tough nuts guy. I feel your pain. You should never have to convince\beg to continue a relationship though for sure.
 
The basic, natural incompatibility of women and men are nature's holistic birth control.

If the two sexes got along 100% we'd have multiplied ourselves into extinction.
 
Doug Taylor said:
The basic, natural incompatibility of women and men are nature's holistic birth control.

If the two sexes got along 100% we'd have multiplied ourselves into extinction.
Click to expand...

Or starve to extinction - You'd never leave the house to get food :D
 
I dunno. Perhaps it's age but when I'm hungry, all bets are off for anything else!
 
gomntwins,

Your situation sucks. Bad. Last fall, I found out my buddy's wife of 17 yrs up and left. Gone.

He had just completed a trip, and was home 2 days when he found out. My wife and I were the only people he had around. So the first night, we got DRUNK. I mean, bad. (How's this for mean? She left on a Sunday, so we had to scrap up booze!). He lamented. He was hurt and in shock.

The next day, it was time to get to business of moving on. At first there was more moping than doing, but in a couple months, there was more doing than moping.

I understand where you're coming from. It sucks. This business is littered with relationships that fell apart, or were destroyed. However, as much as a loss as this feels like today, you are able to move on. It would have been much worse had the game been played, and once you were established in the career that she decided she didn't like it.

It happens to F/As as much as pilots. Also, this is an enabling profession. If you have the inclination to cheat (either the traveler, or the one at home), there is ample time and distance to do so.

Tip a few back. Mourn your relationship for a couple days. Pick yourself up, and dust yourself off. It wasn't meant to be, but the one is out there.

Go get'em Tiger!:rawk:
 
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