need some advice

seagull said:
Don't have much comment on the rest, but disagree with you on this. You had a phone interview, nobody had ever seen you. In person 1st impressions are a very big deal. Your dad was right. Sorry, but this is real life now, not school.
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I gotta go with Seagull on this one. Dressing your absolutely possible best, even for menial-janitorial-cleaning-gig or flipping-burgers gig is a mark of respect to your prospective employer.

As for the Dad issues, I have similar ones, though not nearly as severe as yours. For me, I had to force him to respect me. We got along a lot better after I established boundaries and respected his in kind. Some people need the relationship equivalent of a boot to the skull, you know?

Also - most boorish, irritating, obnoxious people are generally clueless that they behave this way. Just a thought....
 
seagull said:
Don't have much comment on the rest, but disagree with you on this. You had a phone interview, nobody had ever seen you. In person 1st impressions are a very big deal. Your dad was right. Sorry, but this is real life now, not school.
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A little harsh but to the direct and to the point, and I'm with you. I even dress up super nice for interviews for a position under my current supervisor who sees me everyday and knows how I dress.
 
He said no one was else was there though? As long as he knew up front that no one would be there, I don't see jeans as a problem. Slacks would be better just in case someone showed up unannounced, but if you are planning on no one being there...
 
TheWife said:
He said no one was else was there though? As long as he knew up front that no one would be there, I don't see jeans as a problem. Slacks would be better just in case someone showed up unannounced, but if you are planning on no one being there...
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They were nice jeans. It wasn't like they were dirty Walmart jeans worn with a raggy t-shirt. I was wearing a nice well-fitting polo, with a pair of nice leather shoes. Wearing the khakis made me look maybe 1% better, if any.
 
nbv4 said:
They were nice jeans. It wasn't like they were dirty Walmart jeans worn with a raggy t-shirt. I was wearing a nice well-fitting polo, with a pair of nice leather shoes. Wearing the khakis made me look maybe 1% better, if any.
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No one's saying that you can't dress up a pair of jeans and make them look nice. I'm sure you looked very nice just like most everyone around the office that I work in looks nice on Fridays (casual day) but even so jeans are a casual clothing item. I know that you already had the job and it was kind of an informal 'interview' but I have many many friends that used to or currently do work in HR offices and do some hiring and firing and they all agree that when someone walks into the office, they can be impressed with them right off depending on how professionally they present themselves and the opposite is also true. I know that the clothes you wear don't make you a better or worse employee but upon that first meeting, where they really don't have much to go on because they do not yet know you and how you are going to perform, I think it's best to put your best foot forward and present yourself like you are professional.
 
NotCoolEnufToFly said:
No one's saying that you can't dress up a pair of jeans and make them look nice. I'm sure you looked very nice just like most everyone around the office that I work in looks nice on Fridays (casual day) but even so jeans are a casual clothing item. I know that you already had the job and it was kind of an informal 'interview' but I have many many friends that used to or currently do work in HR offices and do some hiring and firing and they all agree that when someone walks into the office, they can be impressed with them right off depending on how professionally they present themselves and the opposite is also true. I know that the clothes you wear don't make you a better or worse employee but upon that first meeting, where they really don't have much to go on because they do not yet know you and how you are going to perform, I think it's best to put your best foot forward and present yourself like you are professional.
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This was at a flight school, not an office job. If I was going to an airline, or a bank, I'd have dressed more formal. I think you're confusing "nice" with "formal". Just because you're formal, doesn't mean you look nice, and vice versa. I looked about as nice as possible without dressing formal. This was, IMO, a non-formal meeting, and I should have dressed non-formally (but still nicely.)
 
I agree with those that say you can "overdress" for an interview.

Dress one notch better than the employees do on a regular basis.

Employees wear jeans and a company uniform shirt, then wear kakis, and a nice polo. A suit and tie would be way overkill.



I have seen one company where the owner specifically told job seekers not to wear a suit, if they still did, then they couldn't follow directions. Whenever I open my airplane shop I intend to do the same. If durring the interview I see a puddle of oil and start to clean it up, you had better be helping, not worrying about your clothes.
 
Oh yeah,


The driving with dad thing, If you think you can tollerate him for a couple of days, then give it a try.


Perhaps you could use the time to try to get through to him about his emotional issues before he only sees you once a year.

OTOH, Perhaps this is the time to cut yourself off.

No simple answer.
 
Nobody's brought this up yet.. but do you think your dad really has a "problem"?? cuz it sounds to me as if that may very well be the case. if your mom, sister and you can't stand him or his attitude...has anybody told him yet or clued him in that he might have a problem? some people don't understand that their behavior is over the line and physically NEED to be told.

this drive might be good for you to talk to him and see if there's any type of underlying issues and to see if he'll talk to you about them... if his behavior swings are over the edge..if he goes off in a tantrum, or throws things, why is that? cuz irrationalities like that could be a part of a bigger problem... people with bipolar disorder usually throw tantrums at a split second or tend to throw things or hurt people....bipolar is ALL about control....the "if you want me out of your life" issue IS a symptom of depression, no bones about it...the tantrums could be depression too or something else...has he ever made you feel like he's obsessive or compulsive? does he feel like all you kids are growing up too fast and he's losing it/you because of that? is he not ready to let you go yet?

also, if you want him to respect you, you're gonna have to stand up to him and up for yourself and tell him to knock it off and that his behavior isn't acceptable...see what kind of body langauge/behavior he does when you do that...that should clue you in really quickly!

it sounds to me like he has some inner issues to deal with... esp when you say
He has absolutely no control over his emotions.
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and honestly, it's the family that needs to bring it out in the open and get him to see that maybe he does need some help.. maybe he needs to talk to someone or maybe he just needs something to help him face the day and be able to take charge without *it* taking charge of HIM...

but if it's a mentality problem, even minor depression, your gonna want to deal with it sooner than later because later can get him and your whole family into a whole 'nother bees nest!! been there, done that.

I'd suggest before you decide to let him ride with you, bring these issues to the forefront and talk about it BEFORE you even get into the car.. not only that but you could stipulate that if you don't talk, he doesn't ride and if he blows a gasket, help him get help for that because something's NOT right there. he should want to talk to you, your his son.

but sometimes, they have to hit bottom before they see the light and sometimes, if they don't see/want/need "your" help, then you have to help them hit bottom (nicely) so they can see the light and recover

my dad used to say things to me like "if you want me out of your life..." and that's when i figured out he was having a depression problem but i could never get him to go see a doc about it and before long, he hit bottom but it was too late to get him help cuz the serious damage was already done and he'll be finishing "his time" in March. if your dad has a problem, you and your family need to help him see that and help him get some help for it BEFORE it gets out of hand...head colds (as i call them) don't become embarassing or emotionally trying until someone gets hurt, goes to jail/prison or commits suicide from it.

sometimes i think if i would have just told my dad that i was afraid of him because of the way he was acting, he might have gone and gotten the help he needed and we wouldn't be where we are today. i think telling a parent information like that really gets them thinking

heck, i even have a cousin that works in the psychiatric ward of a hospital and she doesn't even know she's bipolar.. she just won't believe it and won't take the meds for it....she controls everything include one of my aunts (believe it or not).. it's her way or the highway...her dad is the same way and it got down to where he would hit her mom if she didn't "stay" in his "control"....so stuff like that can happen.

talk to him, get everything out in the open and see how it goes from there... don't even allow him to get into the car until that happens because a car can be used as a weapon and if your afraid your dad might hurt you during one of his episodes, then you don't want him in there and i would certainly tell him that.
 
If you're coming to an internet forum for advice on what to do, you're not ready to tell him you're driving to California alone. Prepare yourself to endure his company.

When/where is he selling you the car? In other words, when/where does it technically become your property? When it's yours, you can make the decisions about it, right?

Right?




By the way, he was correct about the interview attire.






.
 
If you're coming to an internet forum for advice on what to do, you're not ready to tell him you're driving to California alone.
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I TOTALLY disagree. I think there is wisdom in asking other people for perspective on things AS you prepare for how to handle it. Sometimes we are so close to situations that we aren't sure if our perspective is overlooking a significant or helpful detail. Sometimes just venting about it helps a person prepare to deal with it, and sometimes people have some great advice and can give you insight you wouldn't have thought of, and sometimes your original plan was just fine all along but getting some support can help build your confidence to deal with it. I think he was just fine to ask, and now he can see different perspectives from the outside, prepare for how he wants to handle it, and take action. Just because he had to ask in the first place does NOT mean he isn't ready to drive alone if that's what he decides to do.
 
exactly... actually, i think it takes a lot of balls and guts for anyone to come forward on any internet site and talk about your personal life and problems and if there's any help out there to help you thru particular situations, then by all means... don't even be afraid to ask...

it takes a strong man or woman to get up and ask a question like this....
 
I haven't read the whole thread but...

I moved out of my parents house literally the day after high school graduation, and never looked back. We didn't always get along the greatest then, but we get along great now.

You are 24 years old, how much longer are you going to let someone else run your life??
 
USMCmech said:
I agree with those that say you can "overdress" for an interview.

Dress one notch better than the employees do on a regular basis.

Employees wear jeans and a company uniform shirt, then wear kakis, and a nice polo. A suit and tie would be way overkill.



I have seen one company where the owner specifically told job seekers not to wear a suit, if they still did, then they couldn't follow directions. Whenever I open my airplane shop I intend to do the same. If durring the interview I see a puddle of oil and start to clean it up, you had better be helping, not worrying about your clothes.
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Still, jeans for an interview is not acceptable, even if it is just a "meet", etc.

I must have missed the "24" part, I agree with eatsleep and makes my previous comment even more important.
 
I'm in the same boat as Marshall. My parents and I didn't get along horribly when I was living at home, but by the time I graduated from high school it was high time for me to go and do something else with my life.

We couldn't get along better now.
 
nbv4 said:
I forgot to mention one thing: my sisters and mother. They still live at home, and will have to live with him while he is going insane. I told my mom today that I don't want him coming along, and now she isn't talking to me because she knows this means she'll have to sit through one of his hissy fits (which will last for a few days at the very least).

This is the thing that tears me up. My whole life I have obeyed him, not out of love or respect, but because I feared having to endure one of his fits. My mom and sisters are the same way. I'm sure deep down inside my mom agrees its best that I go alone, but she doesn't want to go against my father because she knows how he'll react. Who do I look out for? My mom and sisters, or myself?



I think the only reason he is insisting to go is to prove to me that he is the one in charge. He has issues with control. If you disagree with him, he'll throw the biggest fit until you cave in.

A few summers ago I got the opportunity to live in an apartment with free rent, but he said I couldn't do it. He had no good reasons why I shouldn't live there, he just said "because I said so", and therefore i should just obey him. I tried to argue that this was a good move, but no matter what I said his response was always "I'm your father and you're not going because I say so"
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Your father acts the way that he does because he knows that he can get whatever he wants by acting a complete fool. Unfortunately both you and your other family members out of fear have give up complete control over your lifes to your father. It's past time to stop that and get it back. I'm defiantely not discounting Kristie's claim that he could be depressed and or bi-polar. But to me that is no excuse to allow him to have complete control over you and your life.

I can't tell you what to do about the car ride situation. But I'm
here to say that you're soon to be 24 yrs. old. It's well past time that you stood up to your father, took back control of your life,stopped fearing him and asserted your indivduality and control over your own life. Should you fail to do this then you can expect this behavior to creep into other aspects of your life. Be it finding a contolling/manipulate mate or you being coming the same way as your father out of repressed anger issues.

Like Kristie stated, before you even get in the car you need to talk. Plan for him to flip out but have your poker face on and stand steadfast and don't not relent. He will be expecting you to cave. Don't. If he flips out act calm don't allow him to control you though fear. Acting calm in the face of the storm takes away his power he has over you via fear and returns it to you. When he sees that he can't control you anymore he'll come to you and ask you what's up. I'd say:

"Oh I was waiting for you to stop acting like a child so we can talk. Are you done now?"

Now not knowing your father I don't know how that would go over. It could be a breaking point that allows the situation to cool and him to listen or he might go ape complete ape #### on you. All that I know is that I'ma very assertive person who isn't afraid to confront anyone and I'd rather live alone versus live under the thumb of someone.

What about you?
 
As a MAN make sure you have a plan B after ya'll talk. It may not be cool to stay with your peeps after that. If I were you I'd work on getting a place to stay, that advice doesn't even factor into account you're approaching your mid-20s. Dont' bite the hand that feeds you.
 
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