The Toll

rockman2343@aol.com

rockman2343@aol.com

Well-Known Member
I've been home no more than 8 days a month since November. Even then, I was working in the sim on many of my days off. It has essentially cost me my family.
Its like my career is well into the recovery from the • I put myself in years ago. Thing is, what good is a career, without a family to share it with.
I've flown with many Captains who were divorced, I just never thought Id be one of them.
It's a fun job and I'm fortunate to still be doing it. I guess it's just hard to enjoy it right now. If I had to choose though, it would be family and working at at 7-11, vs no family and pilot, every time.
Fly safe, call home.
 
Since I finally met a woman I wanted to spend my life with, and we made some kids I've consciously made the decision to choose my family over the job. Yeah - I've worked long hours, but I've not spent much time away since I got married; when I die I want to see my kids and wife's faces, not a series of hotels and cockpits flash before my eyes and I've tried (not always successfully) to make decisions that produce that result.
 
The career - any career - is what you make of it.
Sometimes that means leaving a very promising job for a less promising job that affords more time with the family.
Sometimes your compromise will still be considered an indulgence in sticking to doing what you enjoy - so be it.
You can make all the pro-family choices in your life and still end up being the bad guy. Such is life, just remember that the tomorrow is what you make of it.
 
BigZ said:
The career - any career - is what you make of it.
Sometimes that means leaving a very promising job for a less promising job that affords more time with the family.
Sometimes your compromise will still be considered an indulgence in sticking to doing what you enjoy - so be it.
You can make all the pro-family choices in your life and still end up being the bad guy. Such is life, just remember that the tomorrow is what you make of it.
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I think being gone these past 7 months were pro family choices, since a good part of what I was making was for her bills.
She didn't see that I do this now because it's what will make me the most money. I'm fortunate, but doing anything else would require re tooling. I just upgraded so I thought we were almost there.
You're right, tomorrow is what I make of it, and as bad as I feel in the road tonight, I'm going to make tomorrow great for my daughters when I get home!!!
 
ppragman said:
Since I finally met a woman I wanted to spend my life with, and we made some kids I've consciously made the decision to choose my family over the job. Yeah - I've worked long hours, but I've not spent much time away since I got married; when I die I want to see my kids and wife's faces, not a series of hotels and cockpits flash before my eyes and I've tried (not always successfully) to make decisions that produce that result.
Click to expand...
Words to live by if I meet someone again.
 
You seem to be making a blanket statement that you had to choose between being a pilot and having a family. Clearly that is not the truth here! Your being a pilot is NOT the reason you are divorced (or headed that way). Your statement is a bit melodramatic and is really a self-assurance "boost" that you're making in order to help you rectify what has occurred. Were you married before you became a pilot or did she marry a pilot? Your JOB did not end your marriage!!

I'm no Saint, nor do I think I'm better than anyone else here so please don't misunderstand. I am not passing judgement here:
I took a $50k cut in pay because the job I had was keeping me from my family. I saw that my extensive traveling was causing issues in my relationship. When I turned in my notice to quit, I didn't have another job in mind. AND, when I walked out of the office, it was the best I had felt in a couple of years. Because I knew I made the right choice.

As for you, I recommend that you not write off the relationship unless it's something YOU want to accept. If you see the divorce as a personal failure, then you need to make the necessary changes to FIX IT! You might not get back with her and things may not be perfect between you two in the future, but your kids will see that they (and their mother) are important to you.

You do need to take a minute and think about what you're kids are seeing right now: they are experiencing these events first hand. Their life right now involves a Dad that made a clear choice between them and a job. [that's the hard truth].

And to address you statement, YES, a job at 7-11 would have been a better choice....IMHO.
 
dustoff17 said:
You seem to be making a blanket statement that you had to choose between being a pilot and having a family. Clearly that is not the truth here! Your being a pilot is NOT the reason you are divorced (or headed that way). Your statement is a bit melodramatic and is really a self-assurance "boost" that you're making in order to help you rectify what has occurred. Were you married before you became a pilot or did she marry a pilot? Your JOB did not end your marriage!!

I'm no Saint, nor do I think I'm better than anyone else here so please don't misunderstand. I am not passing judgement here:
I took a $50k cut in pay because the job I had was keeping me from my family. I saw that my extensive traveling was causing issues in my relationship. When I turned in my notice to quit, I didn't have another job in mind. AND, when I walked out of the office, it was the best I had felt in a couple of years. Because I knew I made the right choice.

As for you, I recommend that you not write off the relationship unless it's something YOU want to accept. If you see the divorce as a personal failure, then you need to make the necessary changes to FIX IT! You might not get back with her and things may not be perfect between you two in the future, but your kids will see that they (and their mother) are important to you.

You do need to take a minute and think about what you're kids are seeing right now: they are experiencing these events first hand. Their life right now involves a Dad that made a clear choice between them and a job. [that's the hard truth].

And to address you statement, YES, a job at 7-11 would have been a better choice....IMHO.
Click to expand...

With all due respect, you are generalizing quite a bit there.
Since I'm not familiar with the OPs story, here's one of a captain I used to fly with.
Very responsible hard working guy, all his life busted his butt to make sure the wife and the daughters have the resources for the kind of life he never had growing up.
Fast forward to now - divorced and only one of his girls is even talking to him. Mother told them that dad was a pilot because he didn't want the responsibility of running the house, being a normal dad and a husband. Told them he wanted to be away all the time to screw around (even though we weren't close friends with the guy I can attest that this is a huge pile of steaming bs). To him she gave the whole nine yards about her friends husbands who made it work the same or better while staying at home every night and participating in all the social functions and overall did her absolute best to make him feel as a failure.
The fact is, people oftentimes marry the wrong people. Bend over backwards, and it's still not going to be good enough.
Those kinds of conversations are better had in person where they don't sound as dry as the typed up stuff on the internet.
Point being, communications with the spouse is the key. Establish the two way communication. If there is no way to do that, might as well stay clear of that airspace.
 
BigZ said:
With all due respect, you are generalizing quite a bit there.
Since I'm not familiar with the OPs story, here's one of a captain I used to fly with.
Very responsible hard working guy, all his life busted his butt to make sure the wife and the daughters have the resources for the kind of life he never had growing up.
Fast forward to now - divorced and only one of his girls is even talking to him. Mother told them that dad was a pilot because he didn't want the responsibility of running the house, being a normal dad and a husband. Told them he wanted to be away all the time to screw around (even though we weren't close friends with the guy I can attest that this is a huge pile of steaming bs). To him she gave the whole nine yards about her friends husbands who made it work the same or better while staying at home every night and participating in all the social functions and overall did her absolute best to make him feel as a failure.
The fact is, people oftentimes marry the wrong people. Bend over backwards, and it's still not going to be good enough.
Those kinds of conversations are better had in person where they don't sound as dry as the typed up stuff on the internet.
Point being, communications with the spouse is the key. Establish the two way communication. If there is no way to do that, might as well stay clear of that airspace.
Click to expand...
The only thing I know about the OP's situation is what he has posted but I don't think I'm generalizing at all. I DO agree that communication is the key to most success stories (in careers and marriage). In the case of your Captain, the job isn't why he got the divorce and his kid won't talk to him. And the fact that his ex is land-blasting him with his kids have nothing to do with the JOB! His issues started long before his divorce and the stress and bitterness over events during the marriage is why people torch each other after they separate.

All too many times we (husband/fathers) try to "provide a better life for our kids than what we had". We do this out of self-validation and ego. But that's not really what they want or need. MOST kids would rather live in a smaller house and eat Ramen than to have their Dad gone all the time working his butt off. You stated it yourself when you wrote this:
BigZ said:
...........she gave the whole nine yards about her friends husbands who made it work the same or better while staying at home every night and participating in all the social functions and overall did her absolute best to make him feel as a failure........
Click to expand...
She (and your Captain's kids) wanted him HOME and to participate IN their lives. I'm guessing that he was not a failure to provide, his was lacking in that it appears that he didn't take notice of what was important to his family. Maybe when he was "bending over backwards" he was bending the wrong direction; maybe he didn't need to do that in the first place...

There are just as many stories of pilots that are successful in BOTH family AND career as there are this story. To me, the answer isn't "Oh well, you'll meet someone new", it's find out what's important to you and figure out how to make THAT work.
 
.....furthermore......

The title of this thread almost comes across as though the price we have to pay ("The Toll") for a career as a pilot, is a divorce. As if we just accept that we fly a lot, pay the toll by getting a divorce and sacrificing our kids, and then go look for someone else to share our life with.

The thread title just struck me wrong, I guess.
 
Where are you that only gives you 8 days off a month? If it's an issue of commuting, move somewhere close enough to alleviate having to use a day off to commute. The pilots I know who are divorced blame themselves or their partner for being too lazy and selfish to find an adequate solution to fix the marriage.
 
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Being married and working in this industry is certainly playing adulting on "expert" level. This isn't a job, this is a lifestyle. Some people can hack it, some people can't. The tough part is that you don't know if you can until you try. In my experience, communication is key. Both the pilot and the person at home need to sit down regularly and have a discussion about "how's it going?" This allows you to catch dissatisfaction at a lower level and address it before it grows to an unmanageable level.

Pre planning also helps. Almost two years ago I took a job that will have me on the road (and often out of the country) for 17 days each month. We knew going into it that it would be a challenge, but like I said before, you don't know if you can do it unless you try. Before I took the job, we had many long discussions on whether it was a good idea and working out plan B (move closer to her family) and plan C (seek other employment) if it turns out we can't hack it. Thankfully so far it has actually been really good for us. The 17 days get long, but having large chunks of time off between trips allows us to actually go do stuff together vs. my old job where it felt like I was always unpacking, doing laundry, and going back on the road again.

No judgement on OP, just a couple pointers from someone who has been doing this for a while.
 
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