Pilots and marriage?

[msmspilot]

Let it flow through you...

Money doesn't necessarily equal happiness, although a certain amount of money might be required for a basic level of happiness.

My point wasn't to "buy happiness." It was to have a job such that you can afford to fly, but not have to be away from home on a pilot's schedule. It's best for a marriage (most of the time) for the husband and wife to actually see each other.

 

[cmhumphr]

Unemployed.....

Sad but true.

 

[Ajax]

I just got engaged but I'm only a CFI. She also lives 100 miles away, and has for 4 yrs. I think we'll be fine, she's the best thing in the world.

 

[Cessnaflyer]

I just got engaged but I'm only a CFI. She also lives 100 miles away, and has for 4 yrs. I think we'll be fine, she's the best thing in the world.

That's shorter than my commute when I fly the King Air. Commute for the airline takes all day though going 2500 miles.

 

[chrisreedrules]

Well... Most of my friends that have married are divorced. Oddly enough I have many friends that have kids but aren't married and live very happy lives with their spouses. I think marriage is viewed very differently by the under 30 crowd than in generations past. Used to be, if you weren't married by the age of 25 to 30, there was something weird/wrong with you. Nowadays the entire dynamic and idea of the modern family has changed. People getting married around the age of 35 seems to be the norm. I don't think that marriage means the same things to people that it used to. A lot of women don't see anything past "the big day" because of the over-commercialization of marriage. Once reality sets in for many couples, they don't like it.

I sorta feel that America is in a transitional period both socially and economically. Socially speaking, young Americans are struggling to find an identity that defines their generation. And I don't think the traditional take on marriage is part of it for most people. Hence the 40 to 50% divorce rate in this nation. It is no longer feasible to have a "traditional" marriage in the sense that the husband works and provides while the woman raises children and perhaps works part time. Most families need two full-time bread winners to survive these days. The cost of living is way up and no one has seen a raise in years. I think having generally busier lives leads to less focus on making a marriage work. I also think that most young Americans have a childish view of marriage. But this is just all my .02. I don't have any concrete plans to get married and I've been living with the same girl for over 2 years now and sharing expenses. Knowing who you are and what you believe in goes a long way to picking a compatible spouse. ​

 

[MQAAord]

I think women have always been caught up in the "wedding" and their imagination doesn't carry them any farther than the altar. This observation is true, but it's hardly new. That same concept is mentioned in the book "Gone With the Wind" when Scarlet marries her first husband to spite the man she really wants to marry but who is marrying another girl.

Nowadays the stigma of divorce is gone. So people feel more free to get out of a less-than-stellar marriage that in years past they may have felt trapped in and stayed even though the unhappiness was still there.

Childcare is expensive. Horrifically so. If you don't have family nearby to help with the childcare paying for full-time care can negate one spouse having a job! They have to pay to replace themselves, and what they do with housework and childcare, and then bring home money on top of that to make it worthwhile. Believe me, I know this lesson all too well.

 

[SeatClutcher]

Well... Most of my friends that have married are divorced. Oddly enough I have many friends that have kids but aren't married and live very happy lives with their spouses. I think marriage is viewed very differently by the under 30 crowd than in generations past. Used to be, if you weren't married by the age of 25 to 30, there was something weird/wrong with you. Nowadays the entire dynamic and idea of the modern family has changed.

This is probably very true, and I think it's a welcome change. When marriage is too much of a focus, it becomes the only goal some people have. So, you get married...and then what?

I'd have to agree with Amber that a certain subset of women have been far more excited about/interested in the wedding day and the princess crap than in the actual marriage, or even in the fact that the day isn't just hers, but theirs, and should be something the couple shares in together. But, whaddya gonna do.

I sorta feel that America is in a transitional period both socially and economically. Socially speaking, young Americans are struggling to find an identity that defines their generation.

Really? That seems strange to me. I'm not trying to argue with you, it just strikes me as odd that a generation would consciously try to behave in a way that will come to define their generation. People usually are most concerned with themselves and what they're going to do with their lives, and the generation just sort of defines itself over time.​

​

And I don't think the traditional take on marriage is part of it for most people. Hence the 40 to 50% divorce rate in this nation. It is no longer feasible to have a "traditional" marriage in the sense that the husband works and provides while the woman raises children and perhaps works part time. Most families need two full-time bread winners to survive these days. The cost of living is way up and no one has seen a raise in years. I think having generally busier lives leads to less focus on making a marriage work.

It could be that stress has more to do with it than being busy (but, being busy might be a result of that stress...need money, have to work more, busier, and then stressed about the money while spending the little time together they have, maybe?). If the man was the only one working, he just had to work twice as hard to make the cash the family would need. Now, with both people working, they can both make money and ease the burden once carried by a sole breadwinner. ​

​

I also think that most young Americans have a childish view of marriage.

What do you mean by this? What's a childish view of marriage?​

 

[chrisreedrules]

I wasn't implying that people are acting a certain way to purposely define a generation... I just see a lot of people in my generation being "lost". There are no jobs... A college degree doesn't mean the same thing as it used to... Marriage doesn't mean the same thing as it used to... People are searching for the things that define them harder than they used to. It's just a bit of a bizarre time in American culture.

And as far as Americans "childish view" of marriage... We are a generation raised on Disney movies from an era of relative prosperity in America. Perhaps I should of said most Americans have an unrealistic view of marriage.

 

[SeatClutcher]

I wasn't implying that people are acting a certain way to purposely define a generation... I just see a lot of people in my generation being "lost". There are no jobs... A college degree doesn't mean the same thing as it used to... Marriage doesn't mean the same thing as it used to... People are searching for the things that define them harder than they used to. It's just a bit of a bizarre time in American culture.

And as far as Americans "childish view" of marriage... We are a generation raised on Disney movies from an era of relative prosperity in America. Perhaps I should of said most Americans have an unrealistic view of marriage.

Ah! I see. Thanks.

 

[KHanson]

I sense fear in you.

The force is weak with that one.

 

[ChasenSFO]

I'm not married, and I'm only 22, but if you and another person are 100% sure you want to be together forever, why does your career choice matter? Spend an afternoon watching the reality series on the History Channel and you'll see a lot of jobs that make being an airline pilot seem like couch-dwelling in terms of time away from home. Just depends who is waiting on the other side, if you want to be a pilot but think it would destroy your marriage, look at the marriage not the job.

 

[JordanD]

I'm sure it's hard for some people, but it seems like a cakewalk compared to what military families have to go through. More people should realize that.

 

[SeatClutcher]

I'm sure it's hard for some people, but it seems like a cakewalk compared to what military families have to go through. More people should realize that.

Yeah, but that's only during deployments.

 

[Pilotforhire587]

Yeah, but that's only during deployments.

This, I know I have posted this before but my wife and I have a number of "military family" friends. She doesn't understand how they go up to a year apart during a deployment. The military wives don't understand how my wife can make somewhat the same transition (though not as extreme) multiple times a month.

It all depends on the people involved. Your career of choice doesn't matter in a relationship, the people in it do. As long as your significant other knows what she is getting into before hand you should be fine. Certain personality traits certainly help but its far from impossible.

 

[Roger Roger]

And as far as Americans "childish view" of marriage... We are a generation raised on Disney movies from an era of relative prosperity in America. Perhaps I should of said most Americans have an unrealistic view of marriage.

Eh, maybe for the younger set...but by the time most kids reach marryin' age they've been fed all kinds of media that shows a marriage relationship where the husband is a doofus who sits around on his duff and makes his wife bring him beer, the wife is the only one who has a handle on what's going on in the family, and sex just doesn't happen.

It doesn't have to be that way.

 

[Autothrust Blue]

I'm not married, and I'm only 22, but if you and another person are 100% sure you want to be together forever, why does your career choice matter? Spend an afternoon watching the reality series on the History Channel and you'll see a lot of jobs that make being an airline pilot seem like couch-dwelling in terms of time away from home. Just depends who is waiting on the other side, if you want to be a pilot but think it would destroy your marriage, look at the marriage not the job.

There is also a lot of couch-dwelling involved too...just sayin'.

 

[TheLifeCrew]

I am a pilot's wife my self and we have been through ups and downs. we got married while he was training. It was not easy, not the typical married life ( as in settled in one place ect...). However, i am very happy very satisfied of our decisions so far. It does take an independent, strong, capable of dealing with all situations person to have a stable relationship. Whatever needs to be taken care of has to be taken care of. i never "blame" him for not being around all the time because flying is his dream and i encouraged him to pursue his dream. on return i appreciate all his efforts,understanding and strong will to provide. I think it is more about the individuals involved in the marriage, their understanding of each other and how far they are willing to go to make each other happy.

 

[MikeD]

I am a pilot's wife my self and we have been through ups and downs. we got married while he was training. It was not easy, not the typical married life ( as in settled in one place ect...). However, i am very happy very satisfied of our decisions so far. It does take an independent, strong, capable of dealing with all situations person to have a stable relationship. Whatever needs to be taken care of has to be taken care of. i never "blame" him for not being around all the time because flying is his dream and i encouraged him to pursue his dream. on return i appreciate all his efforts,understanding and strong will to provide. I think it is more about the individuals involved in the marriage, their understanding of each other and how far they are willing to go to make each other happy.

Much like married life in the military, with regards to the instability of separation, not living in the same location for more than a few years, etc.

 

[SeatClutcher]

Much like married life in the military, with regards to the instability of separation, not living in the same location for more than a few years, etc.

They are somewhat similar. However, I have to say, I much prefer Ian leaving for a month or so at a time and then being around with a "regular" job than, say, if he were to be gone 7 days, then home 5, then gone another 7, etc. The latter feels like we'd only be living half of our lives together. I could be looking at it the wrong way, but I remember feeling that way when he was thinking about being a career commercial pilot.

It's not that I couldn't have handled being alone - there was something about that set-up that just didn't appeal to me. But, as in all marriages, you figure out what kind of set-up DOES work for you. Some have a hard time being together all the time, some have a hard time being apart. It really all seems like it depends largely on personal preference.

 

[TheLifeCrew]

As long as when he is gone its not always during weekends, its easier to accommodate and create a routine around it ( that's for the 3-4 days away and the rest of the week home). I'd rather see him at least a few days a week than go a whole month not seeing him. We tried that (6 months) and (2 months) it feel like living double lives. by the time you get used to being alone, he comes back so your routine changes, you get attached to him being around. then he goes again. to me its emotionally exhausting. I'd rather have him around a few days a week then just not here for months.

Also, too many things change and happen when he is not here for a long time. i feel that creates distance. mainly because you have different friends, environments ect as well as you cant spend your day on the phone telling each other everything that happens.

But again its a matter of preference, lifestyle and how much you can be around each other without getting into "fight mode". I never get fed up of him being around, but the half week here helps us focus on our careers instead of fully on each other and in my opinion keeps the 1st days dating sparkle!