JT ATC
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X 2!!!!!!!!
Your best jokes about the other services
- Thread starter mjg407
- Start date
X 2!!!!!!!!
mjg407
Well-Known Member
A Sailor gets out of the Navy after Nam and lives his life like the
American dream. When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later,
He goes down to the local recruiting station, and tells the recruiter,
"I Want in, I wanna fight." But the recruiter says, "Sorry man, you're
too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there.
He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I
Want in, I wanna fight." But his friend says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too
old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!" So he goes out
and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Anchors
Aweigh My Boy, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again.
St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do To
stop this clown?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain?
It's the root of all thought." So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It
doesn't faze him. "Anchors Aweigh My Boy, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter
then says, "Now what?!"
God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all
emotion."
So St. Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Anchors Aweigh My Boy,
OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"
St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?!" God smiles and says, "Take His
gonads." So St. Peter lops off the guy's gonads.
The guy immediately stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around
in circles, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue
yonder..."
American dream. When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later,
He goes down to the local recruiting station, and tells the recruiter,
"I Want in, I wanna fight." But the recruiter says, "Sorry man, you're
too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there.
He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I
Want in, I wanna fight." But his friend says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too
old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!" So he goes out
and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Anchors
Aweigh My Boy, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again.
St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do To
stop this clown?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain?
It's the root of all thought." So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It
doesn't faze him. "Anchors Aweigh My Boy, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter
then says, "Now what?!"
God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all
emotion."
So St. Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Anchors Aweigh My Boy,
OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"
St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?!" God smiles and says, "Take His
gonads." So St. Peter lops off the guy's gonads.
The guy immediately stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around
in circles, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue
yonder..."
I had just finished taking a leak, tucked my junk into my pants, and was walking to the door when an Air Force Major, washing his hands at the sink, called out, "HEY! Didn't your mom teach you to wash your hands after you piss?"
I calmly looked him in the eye, deadpan-like, and replied, "No, she taught me not to piss on myself," and walked out.
I calmly looked him in the eye, deadpan-like, and replied, "No, she taught me not to piss on myself," and walked out.
mjg407
Well-Known Member
Engine Trouble
While cruising at 30,000 feet, the C-141 Starlifter shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and the Loadmaster couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed a package from under the seats and began strapping it on his back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Isn't that a parachute?"
The pilot confirmed that it was.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "I'm going to get help."
While cruising at 30,000 feet, the C-141 Starlifter shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
"Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and the Loadmaster couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed a package from under the seats and began strapping it on his back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Isn't that a parachute?"
The pilot confirmed that it was.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "I'm going to get help."
ozziecat35
4 out of 5 great lakes prefer Michigan.
http://www.pvtmurphy.com/archive.htm
Some good comics for any Army lower enlisted...Lots of good memories.
Some good comics for any Army lower enlisted...Lots of good memories.
staplegun
Well-Known Member
How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1. Buy a big dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand at attention in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3 pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day-you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ####cans over the fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel".
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea"
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
I haven't broken this one for about 2 years or so, but every time I read through it I laugh so hard tears come to my eyes!
Kevin
1. Buy a big dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand at attention in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3 pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day-you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ####cans over the fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel".
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea"
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
I haven't broken this one for about 2 years or so, but every time I read through it I laugh so hard tears come to my eyes!
Kevin
granlistillo
Well-Known Member
Not to leave out the coasties-
A guy is bummed out for failing his Coast Guard entrance physical for being of all things too short. Gets a call from his recruiter: "Sorry son, new policy. All recruits have to be 6' tall- you know in case the boat sinks, you can walk to shore."
A guy is bummed out for failing his Coast Guard entrance physical for being of all things too short. Gets a call from his recruiter: "Sorry son, new policy. All recruits have to be 6' tall- you know in case the boat sinks, you can walk to shore."
mjg407
Well-Known Member
After 9/11an old Submarine veteran asked the CNO to return him to
active duty and send him to the middle east. Of course the CNO
refused, and told the old submariner he had served his time on patrol
and should relax and enjoy his golden years. The 'ole Chief wasn't at
all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the Navy with the same
request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his golden years,
because this war was a young man's war and there was no place for him.
That really pissed him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart
wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should
be returned to active duty. Back came the reply almost word for word,
the same as the SecNav response....... The 'ole Chief was livid. He
went down to the beach in Norfolk Virginia, bought a rowboat, and
vowing to get to the Persian Gulf one way or the other, he set out
rowing his boat and singing the …”Anchors away my boys, Anchors away
" ........... and off he rowed for the gulf.
Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole CPO all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Chief displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this unwavering
old salt. After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be
merciful and take the Chief's brain, since that was the center of
thought, and he would simply abandon the idea about getting to the
Persian Gulf. Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Chief's
brain, St. Peter observed little if any change in the CPO's behavior.
He continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice "Anchors
away my boys, anchors away ".......
A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?" God said, "Well OK,
take his heart, because not even an old sewerpipe sailor can function
without a heart. So, that should end it." But when St. Peter had
completed his task, and removed the Chief's heart, he was again amazed
that little if any change could be observed in the Chief's behavior as
he continued to row his boat and sing " Anchors away my boys, anchors
away "....... at-the-top-of-his-voice.
Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.
This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
old boat sailor's testicles, since it's a well known fact that steely
eyed killers of the deep can't function without their testicles.
Otherwise, what would be the reason for submariners having the
worldwide reputation of having the balls to do the impossible?
Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Chief's balls. Again, St. Peter observed the submariner, this
time with his balls, brains and heart removed, rowing in a never
ending circle singing, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."
active duty and send him to the middle east. Of course the CNO
refused, and told the old submariner he had served his time on patrol
and should relax and enjoy his golden years. The 'ole Chief wasn't at
all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the Navy with the same
request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his golden years,
because this war was a young man's war and there was no place for him.
That really pissed him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart
wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should
be returned to active duty. Back came the reply almost word for word,
the same as the SecNav response....... The 'ole Chief was livid. He
went down to the beach in Norfolk Virginia, bought a rowboat, and
vowing to get to the Persian Gulf one way or the other, he set out
rowing his boat and singing the …”Anchors away my boys, Anchors away
" ........... and off he rowed for the gulf.
Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole CPO all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Chief displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this unwavering
old salt. After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be
merciful and take the Chief's brain, since that was the center of
thought, and he would simply abandon the idea about getting to the
Persian Gulf. Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Chief's
brain, St. Peter observed little if any change in the CPO's behavior.
He continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice "Anchors
away my boys, anchors away ".......
A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?" God said, "Well OK,
take his heart, because not even an old sewerpipe sailor can function
without a heart. So, that should end it." But when St. Peter had
completed his task, and removed the Chief's heart, he was again amazed
that little if any change could be observed in the Chief's behavior as
he continued to row his boat and sing " Anchors away my boys, anchors
away "....... at-the-top-of-his-voice.
Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.
This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
old boat sailor's testicles, since it's a well known fact that steely
eyed killers of the deep can't function without their testicles.
Otherwise, what would be the reason for submariners having the
worldwide reputation of having the balls to do the impossible?
Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Chief's balls. Again, St. Peter observed the submariner, this
time with his balls, brains and heart removed, rowing in a never
ending circle singing, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."
