Why Choose Aviation? (From a Pilot's "GF")

Izzy10 said:
Amidst all of this, he has said that his one main concern is that I won't be able to handle being with a pilot. That I'm not independent and self-sufficient enough to handle his absences and that I'll miss him too much.


-Izzy
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I don't know your boyfriend but these almost sound like excuses he's making up to convince you to not be with him. Maybe I'm wrong, and for your sake I hope I am. Ask yourself, do you feel like you can handle the absences and that you are independent and selfsufficient enough?

As for why someone wants to be a pilot, there's something about having control of a machine, being able to guide it through space and learning how to become one with it to overcome the laws of physics. It feels unreal. Why do people go for sunday afternoon drives through the mountains/countryside when they drive everyday? Why do people go to the gokart track when they already have a car and driver's license? Is there something within you that motivates you to write? I personally hate writing, and even though I was a literature major in college, I probably read an entire two books (thank goodness for clif's notes and good BSing skills). Most people find a passion that drives them, motivates them, gives them passion, and makes them feel alive inside.
 
Yeah. I guess my original question - the heart of it - was really "Why does he love aviation more than me?" Because that is what it feels like.

And you're right - you're exactly right - it is probably more important to him than I am. At least right now. But I guess I'm trying to get reassurance that somehow flying becomes less important with time. But maybe it doesn't. Maybe this is just how it is.

I don't know.

-goes off to cry-
 
Izzy10 said:
It isn't about choosing me or flying. It's about recognizing that having both of us is not going to be easy - and WILL require sacrifice on his part. It means actually calling when you say you're going to - and not getting mad when I want to talk longer than five minutes.

If he loves being a pilot so much that he's willing to be gone all the time, miss seeing me, miss being with me when I have something scary going on, miss cuddling or having sex, that's fine. But he's also supposed to love me... and when he spends all day with his other love, the airplane, it'd be nice to get a little attention (even via phone) at night.

(Ah, and the true issue comes out...)
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Keep in mind, I'm about the LAST person that should be giving relationship advice...

But I think you hit on the main issue there. It sounds like there might be problems even if he wasn't gone half the time. To me anyways, nothing that you've said in this thread pertains to his "love of being a pilot" vs. "his love of you". Piloting is just a job when all is said and done. For some people it is a job they are passionate about, and while it is something of a life style, it ISN'T life.

I would say all your issues are valid, but I'm not sure if you are looking at it the right way. You are asking a bunch of pilots how somebody can love flying so much that they can be willing to make huge sacrifices in their home life. Maybe you should be asking how somebody can love a person enough to make huge sacrifices to allowing them to do what they want.

As I said I'm not really a great respondent for any of this so sorry if it's rather scattered.
 
Sweetie, this is going to sound harsh, but no man is worth it! Find yourself someone who can balance a career AND a relationship. It's the least you should expect from a man. Being in a one-sided relationship sucks. I know it hurts, trust me, I know...but in the end, you'll be happier.
 
Just cling on to him and never let go. Control every facet of his life you can. It what he needs right now, strict control. Pilots love orders. They read checklists and are told by ATC what to do. He thinks he wants an independent girl, but what he really wants is for you to step up and show him how much he NEEDS you.

Go for it girl!!
 
Chris_Ford said:
Just cling on to him and never let go. Control every facet of his life you can. It what he needs right now, strict control. Pilots love orders. They read checklists and are told by ATC what to do. He thinks he wants an independent girl, but what he really wants is for you to step up and show him how much he NEEDS you.

Go for it girl!!
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Your sarcasm is really unnecessary.
 
Izzy10 said:
jet-dreams, I don't know if I'm clueless or what, but I always wish someone would explain that to me more. I just don't understand it. I always hear that it's in their blood and they just can't do anything else - but what is it specifically about flying that would make someone so willing to sacrifice so much to do it? The only thing I can think of with that kind of power is love. Is there any way you (or anyone else) can explain what it is about flying that creates that for you?
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Duh, Its the switches and buttons.

Sooooo many switches and buttons. Like, think of a DC6 cockpit and all the switches it has. ohhh u ughg ugh guhhh aha haaaaaaaaa!



get it now?
 
Izzy10 said:
sometimes there's a feeling that, given a choice, he would choose flying over me. And I know there's nothing I would choose over him. It just confuses me and makes me wonder how or where flying gets so much power. :shrug:
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I think the mistake a lot of people who are the "other half" of a relationship with a pilot make is to think that it's the airplanes that are coming between them and their pilot. The reality is most people have something that is as important to them or more important than their significant other.

You say there is nothing you would choose over this guy. If I told you your mom or dad had a severe illness/injury, and he wasn't where he could go (maybe you got the call while he was at work at a location you couldn't get in touch immediately), would you wait to tell him, or just leave a note and go?

If a publisher offered you a great book deal, but the deadline was a little on the short side and you had to put in some extra hours writing to get the book written, would you make the short term sacrifice of a week or so of evenings with the s/o to finish the book, knowing you'd have a lot of time when you finished? I know you already kind of answered that, but think about it. We're not talking forever. Just a couple of weeks. And you'll be able to pick the relationship back up. If he really loved you he'd be understanding and help you pursue your passion. Right?

Just a thought. It's not airplanes. It's people. Some like airplanes, some like golf, some like the office. For most of the people on this board, it's airplanes, but the airplanes are a symptom.
 
Izzy10 said:
And you're right - you're exactly right - it is probably more important to him than I am. At least right now. But I guess I'm trying to get reassurance that somehow flying becomes less important with time. But maybe it doesn't. Maybe this is just how it is.
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I can attest to the fact that flying doesn't become less important with time....it's the type of flying that might become less important but not the actual "getting into an airplane and traveling" flying itself.

The reality is most people have something that is as important to them or more important than their significant other.
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I pretty much equate the "why is flying #1" to "why are babies #1" when it comes to the opposite sexes. There are a few people out there that can't answer the question of why babies are so important *to them*. just like pilots, they really can't answer the "why", it's just there. it's something inside that leads them....

when you want to have babies... he'll be asking you "why is having babies more important than just being with me?" and you'll have to answer a somewhat similar question to the one you are now asking (IMO). The question then become, will he be #2 as babies become #1? similar analogy...

flying is a passion to the guys that have the bug...from what i understand and know (through my own relationship), that "passion" doesn't disappear. So, to our guys....not only is it a career...it's also a hobby, a way of life per se, because of the passion.
 
This may sound kind of odd, but my wife would rather see me less and be in a career for the rest of my life that truly *completes* me (I know, corny as hell; can we get a Tom Cruise pic, please?) than to be doing something that does not make me happy.

It will get much easier for my family after we move to a base, but until then, we make the most of our time together. It's working...
 
Kristie said:
I pretty much equate the "why is flying #1" to "why are babies #1" when it comes to the opposite sexes. There are a few people out there that can't answer the question of why babies are so important *to them*. just like pilots, they really can't answer the "why", it's just there. it's something inside that leads them....

when you want to have babies... he'll be asking you "why is having babies more important than just being with me?" and you'll have to answer a somewhat similar question to the one you are now asking (IMO). The question then become, will he be #2 as babies become #1? similar analogy...

flying is a passion to the guys that have the bug...from what i understand and know (through my own relationship), that "passion" doesn't disappear. So, to our guys....not only is it a career...it's also a hobby, a way of life per se, because of the passion.
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Kristie,
That's exactly what I was trying to say:D

Thanks!
 
Where to start? Let me start by saying that flying is my passion, but it is only part of who I am. If flying as a career ever came between my spouse and I, I would definately find another way to satisfy that need to fly. And you deserve the same. If your guy doesn't understand your needs or is in a different place (emotionally) than you are, do yourself a favor, and end the struggle, because it will be a never ending battle. But just like you, he needs someone who understands him as well. It is my belief that a relationship will really only be sucessful when both people truly want the other to be happy, whether they understand why or not. I have no idea why my husband loves what he does so much...(which is not flying). To me, his profession would be unthinkable. He puts in 80 hour weeks and a lot of worry, to get paid beans. But we have made sacrafices in our lives because he loves it, and I want him to be happy, whether I understand why or not. And he does the same for me now that I have quit my previous career to pursue flying for a living, because he wants me to be happy, even though he doesn't completely understand why flying makes me happy.

So why does it make me happy? It's difficult to explain 'passion'. I had a very stable career as a teacher, which I have since given up in order to fly. Why? because I wasn't passionate about teaching. Teaching is fine I guess, I like it alright. But it didn't offer me that deep intuitive feeling that I was doing what I put here to do. And I wasn't having fun in my life. It didn't play to my strengths, and that 'just alright' attitude transferred to my students, and manifested itself in other areas of my life. I was miserable at work and I brought it home, which of course affected my realtionship with my husband, family, and friends. So why Aviation? I don't know your bf's "why". Why anything? Why medicine...1st year interns work insane hours for no pay and never see their families. Why be an electrician, farmer, or teacher? All have their good parts and bad parts, and it's the same with aviation. Sometimes you've just got to do what makes you happy...you've only got one life and have to make it count. Sorry I'm so long-winded, I hope my perspective helps. And good luck with your writing...If it makes you happy you have to pursue it.
 
Izzy10 said:
Amidst all of this, he has said that his one main concern is that I won't be able to handle being with a pilot. That I'm not independent and self-sufficient enough to handle his absences and that I'll miss him too much.
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Sorry to say it, but he's trying to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, and he just doesn't know how to say it.

Keep talking about it with him. If it is meant to be, you can, and will make it work. He can bid reserve to be home more, or just not upgrade and bid the best FO schedule.
 
I just want to thank everyone for your thoughtful responses! You've actually done a good job of explaining something that's probably very hard to put into words - and I do feel like I have a little more insight now. In the two years since I've known my pilot, I have been as supportive as I could be - I learned the NATO phonetic alphabet for fun, I speak pilot-ese quite fluently now, I've had a ride in a flight simulator, I've helped him study, and I've had him teach me things on a VFD. But, at the end of the day, I can only do so much - and right now, some of you are right, my relationship has become very one-sided. So now I guess I go off and think about everything everyone has said - and decide if this life - and this pilot - are really right for me.

Thank you all soo much for indulging my questions and responses. :)
 
Izzy10, relationship issues with pilots are challenging to say the least, especially early on when the significant other tries to make sense of things. One of the most mistaken notions is believing that pilots are people who just happen to fly airplanes either for a living or for recreation. There are certainly some who dabble in aviation and can take or leave it; but, for the purposes of understanding, let's talk about those pilots (myself included) who seem to be unable to walk away from a lifestyle that seems to an outsider to be a life full of undesirable things like you mention. After all, what kind of man would prefer to sleep in a hotel room alone than be home with you? What kind kind of man, given a choice, would prefer to have a job that he knows will result in him missing important family functions on a regular basis? You see these as legitimate questions and are frustrated that he seems to choose "it" over you. Pardon the juvenile attempt, but I would like to use an analogy that may make this all easier to understand. I would propose to you that your boyfriend is not a guy that happens to be a pilot, but a pilot that happens to be a guy. Your guy could work at Home Depot but inside, he will still be a pilot. He is not likely to ever lose this core identity, which is very difficult to accurately define or quantify. Regardless of what he does, he will always be this person you struggle to understand. You wouldn't want to have a giraffe try to live the life of a lion would you? The trick is to appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of the giraffe without making him feel bad that he is not a lion, because he never will be. If you learn to love a giraffe for their beautiful colors and patterns, the graceful beauty as they run and their long necks that allow them to reach into the heavens, you may come to understand that they don't have to be a lion for you to appreciate and love them. The gritty reality that you may not want to accept is that you may actually prefer lions over giraffes - there may not be the compatibility you wish for. It may be that your guy is tired of you trying to figure out why he doesn't behave like a lion. He could stalk prey at night and chase gazelles and little water buffalo, but you would have to admit that the outcome would be comical and unrealistic. You simply have to decide if what he is is what you want. He won't change and you shouldn't want him to. Pilots for the most part like being with women who are somewhat independent and they want someone who can happily exist in their absence. A happy and successful relationship in the aviation industry will almost always consist of two very happy but independent people who recognize that the relationship works based on partnership, not dependence. A relationship where one partner fails to develop and grow independently is a relationship that it not destined to last in my opinion. I think self introspection is in order here. I think where the relationship goes from here is more up to you than him. He likely will never turn into a lion, so I suppose you need to decide how much you like giraffes and your willingness to accept and support the things that come with being a giraffe. Again, very sorry for the silly analogy. I never claimed giraffes were literary giants.
 
Wow Calcapt,

You're really puttin' it down! I should be copying and saving 99 percent of you post for future references.

Izz,

I think that it will take compromise on both your sides.

He might like for you to show him that you're more independant. One of the biggest things I'm looking for in a potential mate is that she is self sufficient. I know that I'm not around that often and I need to be assured that she can hold down the fort. I'm a guy and his may come across as insensitive, but I believe if she did fine before we were dating, she should be able to carry one when I'm gone for a few days.

He could do a better job of communicating with you when he's gone. If not by a call, atleast via text message, email, IM, and all that jazz.
 
KLB, he and I just had an hour+ phone conversation about that. (I called him.) I talked a lot about what everyone has been saying on here, just trying to help him understand where I'm coming from. At first, his impression was that I was trying to convince him not to be a pilot. :( That's not at all what I'm trying to do. I literally am just trying to understand how much it means to him and why.

I think I've figured out that it's not my lack of independence that makes it hard to deal with him being gone. I'm actually pretty good at dealing with it most days. The trouble arises when I get the feeling that he just doesn't miss me. And that happens when he doesn't call or just drop a quick line. I think it is hard for all significant others of pilots because, at the end of the day, they are going off to do what they absolutely love and we can't share that with them. We stay behind and hold down the fort - if we're lucky, we get to do a job we love too. But I think we always, always miss them, no matter what. And all I want to know - all I need to know - is that he misses me too. I want him to have fun while he's flying, to see sights, and to hang out with the crew... but I also want him to stop every now and then and think about me and wish I was there - or wish he was here. I guess I don't think it's too much to ask. Anyway, I think (hope) he understood.

But I just worry that the transition and the adaptation I have to go through - and the roadbumps along the way - will be too much for him. He gets very impatient with me sometimes and the way I deal with things. But I just wish he could understand that I'm trying to understand and deal the best I can - and I will get there. Because I love him - giraffe that he is. I do. And I want this to work. But I want him to understand that he needs to give a little more too - so I know I'm not forgotten while he's away. Is that stupid?
 
I just flew a small plane from Palm Springs to Spokane. I got my butt kicked all through Nevada by moderate turbulence. I paid 5.50/gal for gas in Ely. I remember thinking to myself "what am I doing here in this little plane" at least 10 times during the six hour flight. The GPS didn't work. And I had to pee.

After I made it to Spokane, though, I had a grin on my face I won't soon forget.

If your guy is a pilot then it could just be that flying is a pretty big deal to him. It might not make sense to you, but it could be that he's already married to the sky (don't mean to sound poetic). It's just something you'll have to work around if he means that much to you.
 
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