Twas the Night Before Christmas

tonyw

Well-Known Member
I didn't see this, and it's kind of a tradition for me to post this, so I figured I'd do my flyby and post

Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.
The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.
When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.
He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.
He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!
With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?
While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."
He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."
He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.
His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.
He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.
And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"
And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"
He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed through the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."
 
I worked up a freight pilot version tonight after a DPA turn and several beers. Apologies to anyone who believes in Santa or from whom I may have unwittingly stolen. I didn't mean to. Honest.

'Twas the night before Christmas, wings covered in ice, when all through the skies
Not an airplane was stirring, not even airline pukes asking about rides;

The load manifests were tossed on the floor without care,
In hopes that an open bar soon would be near;

The cargo were nestled all snug under their net,
While visions of overtime danced in my head;

And the autopilot on 'heading,' and I in my David Clarks,
Had just settled down for a long leg over the Ozarks,

When on the TCAS arose such a clatter,
I looked up from my crossword to see what was the matter.

Gazed out the window I did like a flash,
Dimmed the panel lights quickly and hoped to not crash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When what to my fatigued eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight turbine reindeer,

With a little old pilot, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than FedEx his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Pratt! now, Whitney! now, Ramp check and Garmins!
On, Piper! On Prist! and approaches to mins!

To the final approach fix! To the edge of a stall!
Now max power! Max power! Max power all!”

As dry leaves that before the virga fly,
When they meet with an obstacle departure procedure, mount to the sky,

So up to the inner marker the coursers they flew,
With an overweight load of cargo, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on CTAF,
The sighing and whining of each powerplant.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the glideslope St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in polyester, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with PT-6 soot;

A bundle of hazmat he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes – how they wandered! His demeanor so sorrowful!
His cheeks were like roses, he'd been drinking most powerful!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was covered in blow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the crack smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a huge round belly,
That shook, when he puked like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A blink of his eyes and a twitch of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had a future in freight to dread;

He spoke not a word, but staggered straight to the FBO
And grabbed all the muffins, even the dough,

And laying a C-Note aside of his septum,
And giving a nod, blew fire from his rectum;

He sprang to his craft, to his team started with a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“All traffic get the **** out of my way, I'm late as hell tonight!”
 
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