Just here to vent about an unjust event last night from my half-brother

Oxman

Oxman

Well-Known Member
A little back story. My parents were divorced my entire life so I didn't see my father's mother who lived in Washington State for 30 years. I grew up in NYC. Well, fast forward 30 years I went out to meet her and catch up and meet my half brother again. I kept going back to visit over 2 years. I drove her around to see things she hasn't seen in a long time. Her husband past away years before. She was enjoying herself and even told me food was tasting better. Well, she past away and I flew out there for everything. It was me, my two half brothers and my father to tend to the affairs, sell the house etc. She left my brothers and I in her will to split everything.

My half brother that still lives out there and doesn't have much. He lives in a small, dirty old travel trailer, an alcoholic and growing up our father gave him Special Forces beatings. Our father was a career Green Beret in Vietnam. So I try to help out when I can. I've sent him (via Amazon) new pots and pans, clothes, kitchen glasses, kitchen utensils, a damn BBQ grill, food via Amazon, and last week he said his pillow disintegrated and there were feathers all over. So I sent him new pillows and covers and really good vitamins because his diet is terrible.

Well last night he posted this on his FB page saying he "saw this when our grandmother died".
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He actually said to me in that post that I was one of the "Vultures" he was talking about. After years of sending him things to make his life easier he said this to/about me. I was hurt, mad and disappointed. Still am. I think it's time to just take a step back for a while. I showed my wife when it happened and said this is why I don't go running to people. She was hurt for me as well. Let's see what happens next.
 
I’m sorry to hear this. You are a good son. You did the right thing taking care of him, but now are publicly shamed.



I won’t get into then story now, but my maternal grandma (only alive grandparent now) betrayed and broke my mother’s heart. I have no doubt the ordeal has taken 10 yrs off my mother’s life. When my grandmother passes, that is one bereavement leave I won’t be taking.




Feeling betrayed and hurt by family, when you did everything right, is a special kind of hellish treatment. I’m sorry you’re going through this.





And wardogg isn’t wrong. Deleting my FB over 10 yrs ago was one of my better life decisions.
 
That is sad man. You went above and beyond to help and YOU know that. Some people will never see that and it's a shame.
 
GroundPilot said:
That is sad man. You went above and beyond to help and YOU know that. Some people will never see that and it's a shame.
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Thanks. I'm removing myself and not participating anymore (at least for a long time). I don't know what his perspective is but, apparently it is one sided.
 
Having seen a lot of death and the strangeness that the intersection of differing economic statuses, emotional distance, inheritance, expectation bias and emotion is, and having seen this sh— before, don't take it personal. I know it's weird to suggest, but be friendly, almost professional but don't take it personal. I mean, of course it's tremendously personal, but sometimes people get so rooted in their own stories that they stop accepting reality.

You appear to have been helpful, kind and patient, but his story is that he has dealt an unfair deck of cards, no one cares, etc etc etc so when you extend him help, time or make an honest attempt at maintaining a relationship with him, he's firmly emotionally entrenched with his own story and there's not a lot you can do about that.

Family, at this point in your life, are both family and friends you've curated over the years… your chosen family. I have a fairly large family (aunts/uncles/cousins/etc) and I probably speak with 15% of them, if even that much because I don't fit into the metaphorical 'box' they'd like me in and honestly, many people I'm related to treat me like crap because many assume I'm anywhere from snotty to raging egomaniac which manifests itself into simmering anxiety and a massive issue with "imposters syndrome" so I had to cut them out of my life for my own mental health so my fiends ARE my curated family.

If you have to cut him out of your life, it's ok and it's normal.
 
derg said:
Having seen a lot of death and the strangeness that the intersection of differing economic statuses, emotional distance, inheritance, expectation bias and emotion is, and having seen this sh— before, don't take it personal. I know it's weird to suggest, but be friendly, almost professional but don't take it personal. I mean, of course it's tremendously personal, but sometimes people get so rooted in their own stories that they stop accepting reality.

You appear to have been helpful, kind and patient, but his story is that he has dealt an unfair deck of cards, no one cares, etc etc etc so when you extend him help, time or make an honest attempt at maintaining a relationship with him, he's firmly emotionally entrenched with his own story and there's not a lot you can do about that.

Family, at this point in your life, are both family and friends you've curated over the years… your chosen family. I have a fairly large family (aunts/uncles/cousins/etc) and I probably speak with 15% of them, if even that much because I don't fit into the metaphorical 'box' they'd like me in and honestly, many people I'm related to treat me like crap because many assume I'm anywhere from snotty to raging egomaniac which manifests itself into simmering anxiety and a massive issue with "imposters syndrome" so I had to cut them out of my life for my own mental health so my fiends ARE my curated family.

If you have to cut him out of your life, it's ok and it's normal.
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You appear to have been helpful, kind and patient, but his story is that he has dealt an unfair deck of cards, no one cares, etc etc etc so when you extend him help, time or make an honest attempt at maintaining a relationship with him, he's firmly emotionally entrenched with his own story and there's not a lot you can do about that.

You are correct. I say all the time that he has been given a raw deal. Because of my father's abusive behavior he is an alcoholic on anxiety meds. He will barely leave his town and surrounding area. I understand that this behavior can lead to a distorted/limited/one sided perspective on things, so I try to understand and cut him some slack. He has called me when he was drunk and all I say is tolerant "Goodbye, talk to you later".

Because he has plenty of free time for a part time job, I have suggested to him that he get a part time job somewhere/anywhere for extra cash for things and to occupy his time in between repair jobs from his steady customers. (He's a freelance auto mechanic). But he wont. He stays in his comfort area so I've almost given up on trying to lead him to do something to help himself.

But acknowledging what I want in my life to occupy space in my brain is something that I should establish. I am the one in my family that no one calls to say Hi. They call when they need something.
 
Oxman said:
But acknowledging what I want in my life to occupy space in my brain is something that I should establish. I am the one in my family that no one calls to say Hi. They call when they need something.
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This hit hard because it’s also my situation as in I haven’t gotten a call or email from anyone I’m related to “just to shoot the sh—“ that wasn’t coupled with asking for money for years. Are you sure we aren’t related? :)
 
derg said:
I mean, of course it's tremendously personal, but sometimes people get so rooted in their own stories that they stop accepting reality.
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Yup.

People largely do not care about you - it's tragic, but there is going to be a close inner circle who will have your best interests at heart, maybe your folks, maybe your spouse, some close friends, but largely, a LOT of the people you associate with and care about will not reciprocate.

Again, it is tragic, but they *cannot* understand - it's too... well, your situation is not real to them and they cannot completely comprehend it. It is completely out of their wheelhouse. My parents lost a child when they were in their 20s, and with it, they lost almost all of their friends and many family members abandoned them. I grew up in the wreckage of that - they were good folks, but they are still emotionally stunted from that and I've grown up watching nobody understand them at all, even though if you know about their daughter the reasons for their behavior becomes immediately obvious. Hell, I got sick in my late 20s, early 30s, and with it, most of my friends evaporated and many of my family members •ed off. I have maybe 4 friends who would call and check up on me while I was undergoing treatment? I had maybe a 10 that would text once a year? Most people (tragically), dgaf about you and are the star of their own movie - or as you put it "are rooted in their own stories," which is an excellent and poetic way to put it. They simply cannot understand and cannot see the world outside of their own experience of it and are unwilling to acknowledge that other people are having experiences too.

I'm not sure if it's social media, or the culture war, or weaponized solipsism, industrial scale indifference, or just the natural result of a culture that prioritizes "me" over "we" in nearly every circumstance, but the amount of people that are unaware that others have experiences is alarming and it seems to be growing daily - but that may just be my media diet.

Regardless, in any interaction with others there exists simultaneously 3 versions of "you." There's the version you think you are, there is the version that the other person thinks that you are, and there's the version that you *actually* are - like a platonic ideal of what it means to be "you." With the good, the bad, and all your history and experiences without any sort of filter of it. The version of you that you percieve and the version of you that others percieve is often times completely incongruenuous with that idealized version. I believe it's part of our journey's to actually figure out who that "real me" really is, and cultivate the version of "real me" that we want, but I digress. Regardless, this is a long-winded way of saying, "don't worry about it, they may think they know you, but they probably don't know the real you. Hell, do you know the real you?" Their image of you isn't the real you.
 
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