Lost fiancee, refound aviation

R

Radu38J

Well-Known Member
Tell me I did the right thing.

OK, I was engaged to a beautiful, faithful and loving woman. She also suffered from huge amounts of possessiveness "if you want to go to the gym, what would I do home alone? - come with me - but I don't wannna!", "thou shalt not talk to other females" and the such. I didn't even ind that all that much, or the fact that she frequently went into my phone to check my messages. I wasn't planning on cheating anyways, though I would have liked to be able to have platonic nonattractive friends of the female gender.

I agreed not to pursue a job with the airlines so I would be home every day, which I also want myself. I thought about paying for the wedding by myself, for her debts, for a vacation in Greece, for a second wedding in our home country. But I got yelled at when I said I also want to spend $5k for my CFI. What topped it all was that I have no desire to remain for the rest of my life in my current career, although quite lucrative. The words of 'school', 'career change' would get her mad, because she thought I had it all sorted out already and not going to change anymore (I'm 30). I feel like I need personal evolution along w/ a family life, and would always support her if she wanted a change, or anything that makes her happy.

So finally, I told her I feel she's not respecting what I think and want, and that there is more to life than just being together. She's going through some tough times in her family, so I didn't want to have this conv now, but I did. She was also pissed that I wasn't romantic as I used to be and felt neglected and not supported through her stuff. I can agree to most of that, because I didn't feel like being nice when I had all this on my mind. It ended that I am me being an for humilating her in front of her friends 2 months before the wedding (invitations sent, some presents received already):(. Never mind that I invited some of my own friends, although 5 times fewer than hers...

As I said, I need some encouragement words. I could take some advice into the form "go begging to have her take you back", or the contrary. Going to find a beer in the fridge, or a case. Please be over 21 if you give advice :)...
 
I've had to deal with that with my girl before and sometimes still do. We live together yet everytime I go to fly without her or head to the bar with my friends she pulls the I never get to see you crap. Or back when I was training for my commercial she would throw a fit saying I never get to go flying with you anymore you always leave me out. I was always like are you kidding me I'm getting ready for a checkride not going flying for fun without you. I dont know if she will survive this next summer when I'm gone alot teaching in airplanes and getting my CFI glider. Time will tell I guess. Another thing she does that drives me crazy is complain about the motorcycles all the time. I have two motorcycles, my dad has a motorcyle, and so does three of my uncles so we all go ride together alot in spring, summer, and fall. Well she throws a fit when I dont take her, but if I take her 20 mins into the ride she is throwing a fit she wants to stop because shes bored. It drives me crazy. I finally told her during last summer we dont stop for two hours at a time if you dont like that dont come. Ok now I'm done venting. Thought I was the only one with that problem.
 
If it wasn't flying, then it would have been something else.

A relationship shouldn't be a drain on you. If it is...you're in the wrong one.

In this case, it seems pretty obvious to me what the correct course of action was, and you took it. Don't go back. There are many fish in the sea....too many for you to settle with one that you are unhappy with.
 
Radu38J said:
Tell me I did the right thing.

OK, I was engaged to a beautiful, faithful and loving woman. She also suffered from huge amounts of possessiveness "if you want to go to the gym, what would I do home alone? - come with me - but I don't wannna!", "thou shalt not talk to other females" and the such. I didn't even ind that all that much, or the fact that she frequently went into my phone to check my messages. I wasn't planning on cheating anyways, though I would have liked to be able to have platonic nonattractive friends of the female gender.

.
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OK, you just posted THIS paragraph.....the first paragraph, mind you......and you're wondering if you did the right thing?

Are you serious?

Or just that blind?
 
You did the right thing. She wasn't your match. She didn't accept who you were; she was trying to change and control you to be someone else. It finally caught up with you. Just be glad it happened before the wedding.
 
I don't think you even needed to consider aviation for this one. You had plenty of other reasons. Sounds like she made you feel guilty for being an individual. That's a big no-no if you want your mate to be happy. Never try to make their decisions for them. There's a difference between disagreeing/compromising and being downright possessive.
 
Like Mike said, if you had to question it, and judging from how much you've already thought about it, yeah, you probably made the right decision.

I've only been married 3 years, but it's definitly a compromise. I've given up my dream of flying an airliner to be home more, but my wife also supports me in finishing my commercial and multi to try and go freight....

It sounds like your Fiancee was going to be doing a majority of the taking in the relationship.
 
Radu38J said:
Tell me I did the right thing.

OK, I was engaged to a beautiful, faithful and loving woman. She also suffered from huge amounts of possessiveness "if you want to go to the gym, what would I do home alone? - come with me - but I don't wannna!", "thou shalt not talk to other females" and the such. I didn't even ind that all that much, or the fact that she frequently went into my phone to check my messages. I wasn't planning on cheating anyways, though I would have liked to be able to have platonic nonattractive friends of the female gender.

I agreed not to pursue a job with the airlines so I would be home every day, which I also want myself. I thought about paying for the wedding by myself, for her debts, for a vacation in Greece, for a second wedding in our home country. But I got yelled at when I said I also want to spend $5k for my CFI. What topped it all was that I have no desire to remain for the rest of my life in my current career, although quite lucrative. The words of 'school', 'career change' would get her mad, because she thought I had it all sorted out already and not going to change anymore (I'm 30). I feel like I need personal evolution along w/ a family life, and would always support her if she wanted a change, or anything that makes her happy.

So finally, I told her I feel she's not respecting what I think and want, and that there is more to life than just being together. She's going through some tough times in her family, so I didn't want to have this conv now, but I did. She was also pissed that I wasn't romantic as I used to be and felt neglected and not supported through her stuff. I can agree to most of that, because I didn't feel like being nice when I had all this on my mind. It ended that I am me being an for humilating her in front of her friends 2 months before the wedding (invitations sent, some presents received already):(. Never mind that I invited some of my own friends, although 5 times fewer than hers...

As I said, I need some encouragement words. I could take some advice into the form "go begging to have her take you back", or the contrary. Going to find a beer in the fridge, or a case. Please be over 21 if you give advice :)...
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You did the right thing. Congratulations on the reinforcement of your backbone and suddenly swollen testicles.

A person who expects you to support their hopes and dream with no regard to or at the expense of your dreams isn't a person you want to spend your life with. They're a parasite.
 
Here's my outlook:

Vajay-jays are like city buses...you miss one and another one will be along 20 minutes later.
 
Thanks for the thoughts and support. It's not that I was blind, just blindly hoping things would work out. She's a wonderful and loving [person, just I didn't feel like I can live my own dreams. Of course, now that it's over, I seem o remember the good rather than the bad. I guess it's a matter of time in the end. In the mean time, I'm hitting the CFI-ing books :)
 
Radu38J said:
Thanks for the thoughts and support. It's not that I was blind, just blindly hoping things would work out. She's a wonderful and loving [person, just I didn't feel like I can live my own dreams. Of course, now that it's over, I seem o remember the good rather than the bad. I guess it's a matter of time in the end. In the mean time, I'm hitting the CFI-ing books :)
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It's a normal reaction of our brain to remember the better things rather than having a logical recollection of why we left or ran from certain circumstances. Once you have the "old times" back, you'll go like:
"Holy Crap! Now I remember!!!"

Other than that, Dr. Hacker15 summed it up nicely.


Remember: Horse + Human = Fight or Flight.
 
OMG, that girl sounds N-E-E-D-Y with a capital N!

Anyone who whines that much is someone you do NOT need in your life. You did the right by canceling the wedding SOONER rather than dealing with a divorce later.

Run, don't walk, away from her, (do not pass GO, do not collect $200, and whatever you do do not look back) and I guarantee you a girl who is not so needy and possessive will come your way.
 
Oh yeah- the fastest way to get over the last one is to find the next one.

Go find somebody cute and get in her skirt. You'll feel better.
 
No such thing as a failed engagment. You either move on to marriage and enjoy life or you move away and enjoy life.

I know its hard, Ive been there but with a little time you will see its a win win. I ended up marrying a woman that had made me much much happier.

Either way its a win win. Like Hacker said it would have been something else had it not been flying.
 
You know, don't worry so much!

Go FLYING. Climbing out of 2,000 feet, you'll start to feel a lot better.

Some people need the world to wrap around them and don't realize that you can never completely "own" the other person's life. You're going to have different circles of friends, different responsibilities and different motivations and it sounds like if it wasn't aviation, it'd have been something else.

It probably sucks because it's fresh, but you deserve to meet someone who not only has an affinity for you, but also the little different and quirky things that make you "you" --- like aviation, the ability to make friends and understands that there's an ebb and flow to a normal, healthy relationship.

Go flying man, you'll feel a lot better.
 
Well, I guess in the end if we had doubts, definitely going forward was not the best idea. Of course, in hind sight I could have done many things differently as well. It wasn't aviation that was the main issue, but our lack of understanding towards each other's needs. Last time I broke w/ an ex I did some aerobatic training, I found out it works miracles to get one out of a depression. I should try that again :).

The funny thing is I learnt a lot about myself through the whole experience, know better who I am. Sounds cheesy, but I'm 30 and just now starting to discover new things.
 
Radu38J said:
Well, I guess in the end if we had doubts, definitely going forward was not the best idea. Of course, in hind sight I could have done many things differently as well. It wasn't aviation that was the main issue, but our lack of understanding towards each other's needs. Last time I broke w/ an ex I did some aerobatic training, I found out it works miracles to get one out of a depression. I should try that again :).
Click to expand...

Now you're talkin...

The funny thing is I learnt a lot about myself through the whole experience, know better who I am. Sounds cheesy, but I'm 30 and just now starting to discover new things.
Click to expand...

Yes, it's cheesy. :)
 
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